To get close

For me to get close to someone means I will eventually get hurt.

What does it means to you?

nightdream

Nightdream ~
Sometimes I say its true sometimes not.I guess I always like to hope for the bestand try to stay as positive as possible. Guess this is all I have to say right now . Take care ok? Thinking of you!

Hugz~
Bethy

Yes sweet nightdream, that has been mostly my experience as well

With my former therapist too

Although there have been some exceptions like with my husband and a few friends (I am not sure if I am close to them though, probably not.... depending on what you mean by close!)

I think sometimes I hope for too much....
(And care too much as well)
(And sometimes the harder I try the more I "fail" ...)
There are lessons to be learnt though....
Yes, healthy boundaries.... I believe they are possible for almost everyone... eventually.... so long as we try.
But there are a lot of scraped knees and even broken hearts along the way for some.

I know your pain

Love,
Fuzzy

Yes, NIght, the same holds true for me.
I've given up the quest for a loving male partner, and now focusing on my own well-being. Too much hurt and too much time recovering.
Seeker

Yeah, I'd have to agree with you...you always get hurt when you get close to someone!

For me getting close is protecting myself from leaving myself too exposed, to maintain enough distance so that it doesnt hurt as much if it ends, like creating a space that you could 'thereotically' retreat to. But i crave the feeling of oneness that you get with somebody you like and care about, like there are no boundaries between you, freedom to be yourself and be loved for it, whatever that may be. So getting close to me means a conflict.

Yep pretty much the same night dream. Just hope for different.

nightdream.....i want to add a little something positive to this post as my experiences have been mostly positive....getting close to someone for me means the fun of getting to know someone new with all their joys and quirks.lol....making new friends.....having no expectations but learning from anothers life experiences...getting close can be a good experience.....

my friend, dale, and i are very, very close. we tell each other everything. he is in his early 40s and if he was 50, i'd go for him. he wants children...i'm out!! we tell each other all of the bad stuff and then all of the funny stuff too. it is delightful for me to have someone that i am that close to.

I don't think I ever get really close to anyone. I have a couple of life-long friends, & my husband, but I never give away much of myself, and I try to keep people from becoming too close to me, giving me too much of themselves. It's not that I fear getting hurt, more like I don't want the burden of someone else's problems, the burden of co-dependency, even if it's positive co-dependency. I don't like to 'need' anyone for anything, and I don't want anyone to need me.

I don't approach other people, either, or initiate conversations - I let people who are interested in me for whatever reason come to me.

One of my friends said that I'm kind of like the hermit who lives on the mountain-top, and you have to go through all kinds of hardships, making your way up these sheer cliffsides, fighting off rabid wombats & badgers, & once you go through the pitch-black, snake, bat & scorpion infested cave, cross the lake of lava & swim the River of Death, I laugh at you hysterically when you ask me your question & reply "Know thyself" before I start throwing rocks & spiders at you.

It allows me to get to know someone else - someone unique in this world. To find out whether they enjoy my time with them or not. For me to learn new things from them and expand my life. For me to eventually decide whether they will spend a long time in my life or not as a friend or aquaintenace. If the person will leave my life, I will enjoy saying goodbye and wish them a pleasant journey.

I agree with you night............it means being hurt and feeling the pain again.........but my T tells me that the price you pay for love is grief......dont really get it yet......... I hear what he says but my heart and mind say stay away from people and avoid the pain

I agree with Bonaire. From the responses to this thread, I must be one of the few that has positive experiences with getting close. The fact is that I can't get to know someone without getting close. It is the time when I get to figure out if I am compatable with the person (male or female), & they get to figure out the same about me. If they choose not to make me part of their life, they have the same options I have with them. They take the same chance as I do....there fore I don't get hurt if their decision is different than mine.....it is not right to force myself into someones life if they don't want me there...& I really don't want them in my life if I am not compatable with them. What is the difference?

By not getting close, it would put me into a position where I don't grow & learn from others, even if it is for a short time....by protecting myself, I leave myself in my own little world.....without growth....without being inroduced to new ideas & feelings.....basically sheltering myself from the good & bad that can come from getting close to someone. As for needing.....I hate to need someone....I am independent & can take care of myself & I sure don't want to have to take care of someone else....that is a flag of a bad relationship & when it becomes noticable.....the end of the relationship.

Getting to truely know someone should be a positive experience....if I look at the good things that I can come away with by knowing the person rather than dwelling on the possibility of being hurt. IMO if I keep the positive attitude with me, I may actually find someone wonderful.....if I never take a chance, it will never happen.

Kinda like winning the lottery....If you don't play, you can't win.
Debbie

the joy of discovering what makes Dale tick, is something i wouldn't trade for all the tea in China. getting close to people, to me is a gift. they can take me or leave me, but we both will be enriched. pat

I agree with you, Faye and Eskie, that there is enrichment and discovery in meeting and getting to know new people. But, there is getting close, and then there is GETTING CLOSE!!! I have close friends, male and female, who enrich my life, and I wouldn't trade them for the world, and it trust them. But to fall "in love" with someone who cruelly rejects you is painful. Yeah, think that your life is still enriched for having met them, but the painful aftermath of recovery leaves one wanting to be self-protective.
Seeker

falling in love is a different story, for me..nightdream. not ready to try that again. too much hurt.

I have no problem forming friendships and value the close relationships in that genre. It's in the category of loving intimate relationships with a man where I seemed to have failed repeatedly. I am now thinking God has been watching over me to prevent a disastrous union with someone who was ill suited to me! Concentrating now on "solo bliss!"
Seeker

For me I am talking about friendship. Falling in love for me is a different story. This last one, I hope, I will not fall into.

Thank you!
nightdream

Good thread, thanks for asking this question!
Some great replies here
Rock on,
Fuzzy

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
But to fall "in love" with someone who cruelly rejects you is painful.

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I hear you but don't actually know for sure if I've experienced this. To fall in love with someone who cruelly rejects you - to me this is a blessing in disguise. Getting rejected has opened me up to new things in the past - at the time I didn't realize it. We are taught that rejection is supposed to hurt. What if it didn't? I sometimes find it is a bit cold - but look at salespeople. They are rejected time and again and keep things positive. That's not love but it's trying to get something they want (the sale). Now, what is love? It's allowing yourself to feel good in the presense of someone else. Seems like "making the sale" to me. What is hard is maintaining quality love, not falling in love. If you don't feed a loving relationship, it atrophies into tough times... So, Love is like opening a restaurant. You have to keep on cooking, keep on ordering new food to prepare, make yourself (the restaurant) clean and shiny to attract the customers in to eat your good food and come back time and time again. Imagine opening a restaurant and never cleaning, forgetting to order the eggs, not weiring a good waitress costume, not greeting your customers with a smiling face, smoking while cooking, farting while taking orders, cursing, complaining... How many customers want to eat at your restaurant? Love - gotta clean the restaurant daily to keep it going.

The alternative is dark. Not allowing love into your life means that the only person you can fall in love with and share your life with - is you. It's hard to change this but what I've tried to do is to search for the cause of the pain and understand that it's not me they are rejecting - it is actually they are looking for that love in their life that they really need to be with. I am not that person. I am me. What I open myself up to is the ability to allow many into my life and love openly but let them go to where they are destined in their lives. I cannot let them define me.

Love everyone, some will love you back. Love no one and you'll have a hard time even loving yourself.

But if you avoid falling it love, you won't know that you're living. And that is the best of all.

When you found a good partner,dear Lisa, this can be true. But I will not take that chance again.

I saw your other post and I'm glad for you that you did found love again.

Thank you for replying!
nightdream

This is a story about my mom.

I was adopted by my mom/dad when they were 45 and 62 respectfully. My dad, a drinker and smoker, died when I was 6 (he was 69) because of his health. My mom then took care of me from that point forward. She also took car of her mother (was in her 80s and 90s) as well.

She didn't look into a male relationship at all during this time. She felt that they were not going to bring anything to her or would be out after her money. It is the hermit style life that were mentioned here in a few posts. She's 85 now, living alone. I moved out after college in 1987 and live about 400 miles away.

I asked her the other day "what if I wasn't with you - would you have gotten re-married?" She said yes, she would have. I was slightly put-off by that - I needed a father figure and would have enjoyed that myself. I also would think she might have been able to find someone a bit more appropriate for her than my dad was. She definitely deserved it but chose not to get close after he left us. She rarely showed signs of missing him or being lonely.

This had rubbed off on me, of course. My relationship skills are limited but I do get along with many people. I just don't reach out for them. They come to me, I give them time and they enjoy my time. But I don't push myself on others. It really comes down to how I learned to "be with people" from being raised as a single child with a socially limited mother who didn't nurture my bonding skills. She was "fine" on all fronts except for helping me learn to be a nurturer.

Fast forward to today. I'm married, two great kids, biggest marital problem is my ability to get close, to give my personality fully to my wife. On top of that, I end up feeling judged quite a bit by those close to me (as my mom did).

Learning to get close without fear of being hurt seems to be to be based on how comfortable you can be in becoming vulnerable. Some ideas to work in this area include:
- go shopping and intently talk to strangers
- get a 1-hour hair appointment going and talk with the stylist the whole time
- go to club and organizations you enjoy
- go to a nude beach and talk with strangers
- get close with friends, talk about intimate things
- allow for others to love you for you, start with dating but make sure you have boundaries which help define how you manage your end of the relationship
- allow to be hurt but don't take it personally
- enjoy everyone out there -- even those who hurt you
- give more than you receive &amp; enjoy giving
- forgive others

- John

Bonaire, you write with such clarity and eloquence...worthy of printing and rereading to remind myself that loss is an opportunity for growth. I do speak from a different perspective that yours, however, since you are happily married with a partner and children.
Seeker