[BrokenNBeautiful]

My mood today says "b*t*c*.

It's because I am really frustrated with the way people seem to be toward me and I don't know what it is or why.

When I seem to make a friend anywhere, or think that I am finally connecting with someone, they LEAVE or stop talking to me!

I have been making it clear what I will and will not tolerate in relationships. when someone tells me they are going to do something, I now expect them to follow thru. When someone says I mean something to them, I expect them to act like it.

But it seems like they still don't do that.

I try to be nice about it.

I do.

I just tell them how I feel, I don't attack them.

But how do you get ppl to treat you right?

To do that give and take thing?

Billi

[NuckingFutz]

Treat them like you would like them to treat you. Empathise with them. Good luck!

[Soul Quake]

People who are worthwhile don't need instruction on how to treat another person. When you come across someone who doesn't treat you in the manner you prefer, there is no use in trying to change them (it's impossible anyway). They clearly aren't the right fit in your life.

Having no expectations helps.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Treat them like you would like them to treat you. Empathise with them. Good luck!

I do that and they still don't come thru.

but thank you.

B.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Soul Quake

People who are worthwhile don't need instruction on how to treat another person. When you come across someone who doesn't treat you in the manner you prefer, there is no use in trying to change them (it's impossible anyway). They clearly aren't the right fit in your life.

Having no expectations helps.

I think expectations are okay---to a degree.

B.

[nonightowl]

I agree with Soul Quake, and I keep my expectations low. That helps. If someone turns out to be phony, I drop them as fast as they would have dropped me. Life is too short for this. It pisses me off.

People say, "Send me an e-mail anytime." I do that, and I get no reply. Then WHY did you SAY to send you a &*%^$#@* message? Happens on this site, happens in the "real world".

[Perna]

I don't really "care" what people say they are going to do, just what they do. If I ask someone to do something and they say "yes" and don't do it then I keep reminding them until they do. Otherwise, someone saying they'll give me something or do something (like call me, take me to lunch, etc.) is what they want to do and they can do/not do whatever they like, it's not about me. I have enough trouble figuring out what I want and think I should be doing.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty.

I feel the same as nightowl.

why do ppl do this?

I am going to email a person on here and give them closure.

I will tell them "If you don't want to talk to me anymore, fine. I will miss you and I had hoped we were going to keep connecting. But I won't push."

Just seems like every time I even THINK someone is my friend, they leave!

Ugh.

Billi

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

ty.

I feel the same as nightowl.

why do ppl do this?

I am going to email a person on here and give them closure.

I will tell them "If you don't want to talk to me anymore, fine. I will miss you and I had hoped we were going to keep connecting. But I won't push."

Just seems like every time I even THINK someone is my friend, they leave!

Ugh.

Billi

Story of my life!!! On this site, other sites, and in the real world. Yeah, give people another chance, since you don't know what's going on with them. But the idea of closure is a good one. Thanks, I'll keep that in mind for next time. Your comments should be posted on a "sticky note" on these forums.

I had a "friend" in the real world for almost 20 years who decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore just out of the blue. People suck, Billi. They're two-faced and phony a lot of times.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by Soul Quake

People who are worthwhile don't need instruction on how to treat another person.

IDK - in my 42 years of life I have found that some people just need a little guidance and then they can learn.... we have to remember that some children are not taught how to behave or the proper way to treat others when they are young, therefore, they have to learn as an adult... and to learn they usually need a teacher.

[nonightowl]

It is true that respect is something taught, but the person learning that has to put it into practice as well. Maybe that old saying, "Do onto others" is no longer taught. It's just like businesses posting signs like "NO SMOKING" with a picture of a cigarette with a LINE through it. It doesn't help if people don't COMPLY. (And I've seen people doing that right under the sign....)

To me, silence can interpreted in many ways, even in the wrong way. But a "go to h**" is very clear. Still, there is a diplomatic way to say it instead of leaving people hanging....

Billi, if people continue to ignore you, ignore them. Add them to your ignore list or don't respond when they send you a message. If, after giving a second chance, they still give you BS, then give it back. Don't waste your time. Gosh, this pisses me off.

I'm sorry this happens to you, but I'm also glad it's not just me.

[Envision]

As in any relationship of which I include a friendship, I think its best to go slow. Expectations have a tendency to exceed the reality quite often. Trust must be earned to be valid IMO, and that takes time and still is not a lifetime guarantee. Best of luck.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty for your continued feedback.

I really appreciate it.

It's working out with my friend now.

It's because I set those boundaries!

B.

[nonightowl]

Bumping thread...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

what? (confused)

[Berlie]

(((HUGS))) Im sorry people tend to suck. I too know how this feels. It used to really hurt and bother me. But now I let it go and let them be rude. I never opened up to anyone. Until bout 3years ago to 2 dear friends. Last week both of them turned on me and wants nothing to do with me. That hurt so bad....but lesson learned, I just cant trust anyone. Friends at a distance is good enough for me. I too email people that tell me to E anytime and get no reply....I just think of them as fake and move along. One day.....maybe.....in my make believe world....all of the people who wants true friendship will all come together and live in peace knowing there are people out there who really care.

Peace be with you Billi!

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

My mood today says "b*t*c*. It's because I am really frustrated with the way people seem to be toward me and I don't know what it is or why. When I seem to make a friend anywhere, or think that I am finally connecting with someone, they LEAVE or stop talking to me! (emphasis supplied) I have been making it clear what I will and will not tolerate in relationships. when someone tells me they are going to do something, I now expect them to follow thru. When someone says I mean something to them, I expect them to act like it. (emphasis supplied) But it seems like they still don't do that. I try to be nice about it. I do. I just tell them how I feel, I don't attack them. But how do you get ppl to treat you right? To do that give and take thing? Billi

Dear Billi,

Two separate issues. In red, about losing "friends," in green about people not being consistent in their words and actions.

As to losing friends, the red language gives me the impression that you're talking about new "friends:" "When I seem to make a friend anywhere ..." and "or think that I am finally connecting with someone." So, if they're new friends, how can you be sure that they're good friends? It takes a reasonably long time to determine whether a person is a good friend. And even then you can't be sure. People do unexplained things, strange things. Even very strange things.

It doesn't matter how they dress, talk or live. They're like cats: very predictable in some respects, unpredictable in others. Haven't you ever had a sleeping cat suddenly jump a foot in the air and scream at the same time? People aren't too far from that. And people are always changing, sometimes getting closer, sometimes growing apart. So, with regard to relatively new friends, you still don't know what they're really like, and they still don't know what you're really like. You may be defining other people as friends before they have defined you the same way, regardless of what they say.

As for the green language, you think people ought to do what they say and act like they say. Hmmmm. You know the old saying, "talk is cheap?" That's why there's so much of it. Follow-through is a completely different kettle of fish. If you want, you can dump all your follow-through failures. There's nothing wrong with that. But it will substantially thin out not only the crowd of your friends but your family too. My own nearest and dearest are follow-through failures, which I've come to expect! I'm bowled over when somebody actually DOES what they say they would! In fact, if I dumped all my "follow-through failures," I think I'd be alone! Take care!

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

My mood today says "b*t*c*.

It's because I am really frustrated with the way people seem to be toward me and I don't know what it is or why.
When I seem to make a friend anywhere, or think that I am finally connecting with someone, they LEAVE or stop talking to me!
I have been making it clear what I will and will not tolerate in relationships. when someone tells me they are going to do something, I now expect them to follow thru. When someone says I mean something to them, I expect them to act like it.
But it seems like they still don't do that.
I try to be nice about it.
I do.
I just tell them how I feel, I don't attack them.
But how do you get ppl to treat you right?
To do that give and take thing?
Billi

hi billi,
a good thought provoking post!!
what works for me-

i never expect others to have the same value system as me. if i do, i usually will be disappointed.

move cautiously in a new relationship to get to know the other person.

learn about "red flags" that can alert you to keep a healthy distance from ppl who don't have your values in friendships. this doesn't necessarily mean cutting them off. it just means your setting some boundaries.

being aware that they may have something else going on in their life that may be distracting them. this keeps me from taking a lot of things personally. it may not have anything to do with me.

cherishing the good friends i have found along the way. for that i am blessed.
may you find some too.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

This is such an old thread who bumped it and why?

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

This is such an old thread who bumped it and why?

Hi, Rhia!

What's "bumping"?

Take care.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Hi, Rhia!

What's "bumping"?

Take care.

Hello Ygrec,

Bumping is when a thread has been buried under lots of other threads over time, someone fishes it out and posts in it to bump it back to the top for some reason....usually though they post a reason for bumping it this one doesn't have a reason

Take care you

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty.

I am learning that for me, it's more about coping with disappointment than lowering expectations.

I am disappointed that ppl don't act like I would like.

I need to let go of feeling like it's about me all the time.

Yes, I agree that new friends take time to be made.

It takes a lot of work and commitment if it's meant to work out.

Both ppl have to give.

I did give.

They stopped.

But I will be more careful from now on.

Billi

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I really understand billie. Recently I worked my guts out in a friendship and had those same guts kicked because I wasn't working hard enough (never mind that I spent every waking moment supporting them). I found something very important out though. I care too quickly and often get disappointed just as rapidly.

But people are who they are and they will meet someone just like themselves later on in life and the same will happen to them. I know when I was young I was hard work. I was damaged goods and even though I don't like him now, the only one who persevered with me was my exhusband. But I got better despite him, his work extracted a price I could no longer afford.

And now my partner DJ who has always been there for me and I feel that this relationship is 900 years old and we know each other so well. I am thankful for being able to change certain things about myself when I recognised they were damaged and though there are the occasional flares they are nothing what they used to be. Take care billie

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hello Ygrec,

Bumping is when a thread has been buried under lots of other threads over time, someone fishes it out and posts in it to bump it back to the top for some reason....usually though they post a reason for bumping it this one doesn't have a reason

Take care you

I didn't know I was supposed to post a reason.

Threads get buried quickly on this site, and I bumped it to see if anyone else responds since it died out so quickly.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

okay, now I understand "bumping".

And I appreciate, again, all your feedback, old and new.

Very good points.

I will use them!

Billi