[PrincessStarr]

Last year, after a terribly long and hard previous year, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. This past year has been riddled with radiation, chemotherapy, doctors appointments..yadda, yadda, yadda. I am my sole bread winner, so in addition to all of this i have worked through this entire time and it hasn't been easy. I have a colonoscopy scheduled Nov 3, because I have some really heavy rectal bleeding..which is scaring me. Whatever is going on is not normal and none of this was happening while I was undergoing treatments...so the fear is that we are on the doorstep of more cancer forming...and they have already told me that if this happens, that there will be nothing that they can do about it. My employer has been really good to me. I have been so blessed by having their support and I want to make it clear that I realize how fortunate and thankful that I am. Im writing here,today, because I am so angry at my employer...and I feel so guilty..for feeling the anger. I am in retail sales and I work on a sales floor with about 9 other people. With the slow economy it has been very slow at work so they are a little overstaffed. They hired 2 more people 2 weeks ago and my supervisor, while complaining about them hiring new people informed me that when she made the new schedule that I would be working 5 days a week instead of 4. I told her that with my doctor appointments that I didnt think that it would work for me and went into more detail about it. when she made the schedule Im sure she felt that her compromise was enough. She gave me three days off as I said I needed, but the schedule is so crazy that I get exhausted just thinking about it. One week I work a day.. off a day. work another day... off two days. The next week is the same, just shifted days. My schedule before was Friday thru Monday, oFF Tues, Wed,Thurs. This was easy for me because I could make doctor appointments months out...and know my schedule. I could work 4 days and go home and really recover. Trust me, after 3 days of working Im nearly catatonic...so the recovery time did the trick. My employer is SO greedy. I am the number 1 writer at the store. I work 32 hours a week and write more than the others at 50 hours a week. The reason that i have been able to maintain this, is because my schedule has allowed me to take care of everything...and rest... recover. With this new schedule I just dont see it happening. In addition to this... I work 100% commission and when my work schedule is topsy turvy then my customers cannot figure out when Im there and i end up losing half of my income because if Im not there when they come in...the sale either gets stolen from me or I only get paid 1/2 . With the other schedule it was very easy for peope to remember.... I work Friday, Sat, Sun, Mon. Anyway... I am so damn angry about this schedule change. They tell me it is because we have 2 people that they cannot depend on... so they need to schedule around them so that if they call out, they will still have coverage. I want to scream..."this is not my problem." Why does my world have to be turned upside down instead of them addressing the issue with the people that are the PROBLEM! I am just not ready to have my world turned upside down. I need to have harmony in my daily pace and I know that even If u have no health issues...a retail work schedule with crazy inconsistencies makes a person just not feel their best. God.. Im getting angry just typing about it. I can barely look at my supervisors and bosses. IT makes me so angry. On the other hand I know how blessed I Am. How fortuante I am, I have a job that Im very good at. I can work 32 hours a week and manage to make about 35.00 per hour. I have good benefits and am just plain blessed to have a job at all. Last week a man came in to fill out an application and he was crying...can u imagine this? Am I spoiled? What is wrong with me that I cannot shake this anger? I even have fleeting thoughts of looking for employment elsewhere. I feel so guilty...angry...ashamed...sad...mad....the all of it.

[lonegael]

No, you are not spiled dear. you are most probably frightened. I know I would be. When your life is going to be turned upside down again, or seems like it will be because of your symptoms, you can't help but be anxious. Then you are not really back to your normal strength, your work rythm is changed, your income is threatened,.... That would have me very anxious. A very normal reaction to low grade anxiety is anger, persistant and intense rage. I mean, look what you have already gone through! My word!
Are you seeing a therapist or someone that you can talk to? It might be a good idea, not because you are mentally ill, but just to help sort out your reactions and feelings right now. A lot of times there are a lot of very intense feeling sthat are hard to separate out and on top of that, if your not feeling well, your body is also stressed and you just don't have the physical strength to put into coping with all the emotional upheaval. Getting a handle on the emotions might make coping with the other stuff a wee bit more doable.
Sorry to hear that things look so bleak right now, and I wish there was more i could do than just write. HUGGS, and good luck dear.

[sunsetsunrise]

Princess star, I am angry reading what you wrote !!! Its horrible. I am sorry this is happening. Also, I gotta say I would be angry and scared re the cancer. Trying to take care of yourself. And not getting the cooperation you need to take care of yourself and make a living against great odds. That is very anger proviking as far as I am concerned. Also when I feel powerless over a situation it can cause me to feel anger. sounds like you are having less power than you are asking for, regarding taking care of your body while making a living.

Would a well written letter to your top boss help at all? Written without anger of course. Just stating your situation. I would guess that if your boss had any ethical values at all she would be completely embarassed for what she has asked you to do.

Sending huge safe hugs for you (((((princessStar)))))

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Perhaps a therapist could help you safely, efficiently, and properly, dispose of your negativity.

Have a good one.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Princess Starr

How terrible all of this is for you You have had enough to deal with and you don't need any more to think about

This schedule is obviously crazy for you and is less than helpful for you but in the long run there is the possibility that it will be better for you If you are found to have further cancer you will need time to work out what you want to do

Also I am sure you are aware that you could be angry and afraid at the possibility of having cancer again which would scare and anger anyone specially since you have been through it so harshly already

I truly and sincerely hope that you do not have cancer

Sending you blessings

((((( PrincessStarr )))))