[lady_hawk]

It's a very long post so please bear with me.
I am not sure what to start with. Maybe a little background....I've been married for the past 11+ years. For the past 5 or so years I've been dealing with the relationship problems and recently I dont know how to deal with the issues anymore. I am also finding it hard to deal with my feelings of betrayal. Those 5 years ago my husband started lying to me about his daily activities like job, what he's doing etc. he started some business, nothing illegal of course, but it didnt work well, eventually leading to major financial difficulties and bunkrupcy in the end. I felt extremely betrayed as he never brought to my attention exactly what he was up to and how he' s managing the financial side of life. At this time we took some marriage councelling that was actually my idea. I think I just needed some stranger to tell him that I'm right with how I feel, that he should have been communicating to me. After all we've been married for quite some time. It seemed like everything was going ok, still having some small issues, but nothing major. ...or maybe I am wrong...during this time my sister pased away of cancer. She's been in another country, I visited her before she passed away, but wasn't able to attend a funeral. I think at this time I felt a little emotionally abandoned by my husband not offering me much support dealing with the grief....I think that feeling still lingers there... fast forward to this year ....While I was 9 months preggo I started having a feeling that there is something going on with him, like he was completely unattached to family. Before he was happy that I am pregnant, but then it seemed like suddenly he stopped caring .... After all I was right, he got into a relationship with his female coworker. They spent long hours on facebook. When I complained that he talks to her on facebook all the time instead of me it seemed like he eventually stopped. Silly me.... They started doing this on the phone. I found out about the phone conversations long after our child was born, HIs bills got in my hands. It was heartbreaking..... A few hours aften the baby was born he told me because he's tired he will go home leaving me in the hospital. He could stay there with me overnight as the hospital allows the spouses to stay in the private room. Instead he got home and spend over 3 hours with that girl on the phone....he was telling me he has to stay at school until 10pm but instead he was finishing classes at 9 and them spending this time with her on the phone... every time I wasn't around he was with her on the phone, plus of course the work... I feel so betrayed....so betrayed...
If now I bring this topic back he apologizes but deep inside I feel he was in love with her. Although he says it was just talking not a romance it still hurts.
I feel so depressed. The man that I loved so much, betrayed me. I was trying to fight for this marriage, this relationship but I think I am running out of resources. I cant cope with the feelings of betrayal. I have noone to talk to...I am comming from a home where the parents never talked about feelings, where it was wrong to show any weakness, where there was no emotionall involvement of parents. I ve never heard from my parents that they love me. I was always scolded by whatever I did wrong as a teenager. I know I could never count on my family support, as very early in life I learned that I must count on myslef and never ever ask them for any help...
I felt so unloved and abandoned as a child and then teenager. I married early just i guess to get out of that situation...but we were in love, we have built everything together. I really thought we've been a good family, I thought he will love me and cherrish and respect. I know that there are ups and downs in every relationship but right now I dont know what to think and do anymore.
I have tried to look for some outside support but I am not sure if I have enough strength. I took a great deal of courage for me to tell my OB at that six week postpartum visit that I feel depressed, but to his advice it was better for me to speak with the family doctor. But since the fam.doc retired this year I am finding it hard to look for someone new. The old doctor knew the family, I had no problem bringing up stuff to her, but now I dont know what to do. I think I need some help, someone to help me cope with my feelings. Sometimes I am so down that I am thinking about the worst. I have been suicidal as a teenager but then again nobody cared.... somehow I got on with my life and got better. But now everything is coming back....I cry and cry.... I feel guilty that I should be happy for my children but I feel like I have been robbed of that great time of enjoying my maternity and motherhood. I just dont know what to do....

[Perna]

I would try to find a new doctor that would check and see whether you have some postpartum depression or a combination of lifestyle and postpartum problems? How about the marriage counselor from 5 years ago? Could you call that person and ask for help?

It does not sound like your husband is being very thoughtful or supportive. Do you have any friends of his or male relatives of his (father, brother, etc.) you could sic on him to help him get his act together, see what he's wrecking?

[Naturefreak]

I just needed to read the first sentence and it sounds like something very typical . You are not alone .....
If it isn't resolved however , whenever , it may be very hard on you.
I would seek some kind of counseling and hope that improves your situation.
You need to make a decision ,,,,,, I hope it works out for the better.
Many hugs to you

[BAPearl]

Hi lady_hawk and hugs of support and care to you ,

I am so glad you found PC and posted about your depression and relationship concerns. Sometimes even expressing yourself as you have done here helps to relieve some of the built-up pressure within, and can give some help with working out the many mixed thoughts in your head as you try to work on a decision.

I agree with Naturefreak and Perna aabout counselling, both for yourself and joint marriage counselling, if your husband is willing. Lady_hawk, I do understand what it is like to have a husband turn to another woman, and the sense of betrayal is so very intense. It also affects one's sense of esteem, and it is natural for you to be experiencing depression with a new family and a lack of support from your husband. It is so vital that you know that his choices are not your fault, and that you need to care for and look after yourself so you are okay, and that your children are also okay. To make a decision for yourself, your children, or your marriage when you are feeling so very down is tremendously difficult, as it is hard to see yourself and your strengths clearly. And it is obvious that you have strengths or you would not have been able to seek help and express yourself so well here on the forum.

Lady_hawk, I strongly encourage you to get individual counselling so as to help yourself with your depression issues and with issues of esteem relating to how you have been treated, past and present. And I would encourage your husband to seek out marriage counselling with you if he is willing. If he is not willing, I hope you will not let his choices reflect how you see yourself, as you are a beautiful individual and his poor choices do not have anything to do with who you are as a person. I know it is hard to separate ourselves in close relationships and to not despair at times like this, but I pray you will find encouragement in Psych Central and are able to get a counsellor for added support.

With hugs of support and care for you,

BAPearl

[brittfly]

i am so sorry u r going through this!!! I think finding a t would be very good for you to have ur own person to talk to and express all this. Ob and Docs are fine but at t u would have 50 minutes to youreslef to figure things out. Even if he isn't doing anything it sounds like an emotional affair... u with the baby.. u need support especially after having a baby. i wish u strength and send u hugs during this hard time.