[Auqinu]

So I've been married for 7 years, have two beautiful children with him. Last year he beat me up twice, not to mention he likes to hit, shove, twist fingers and be menacing when he's angry. I forgave him the violence. I understood we were both in awful places mentally. I was barely functioning and yeah I know it had to be hard on him.
The end of may I started talking to him again, he told me he still loved me and wanted to be a family with me. We had a pretty good summer, as far as summers go. He didn't really move back in with us but he was here a lot. I tried to give him room and myself time to forgive each other and talk and spend time together. In September I started asking him if things were ok. It seemed something was off with us. He always replied things were ok. It just seemed things were getting to normal, I was sick, the kids started back at school. It was just wonderfully normal functioning family crap. Turns out he didn't want to talk to me because his time was given to a 19 year old online at night while I was sleeping who he works with.
This came as a surprise to me, just a little bit. This is the man who says he loves me, is still sleeping with me, often. It comes out because first he says he's leaving me. He blames it all on me... things I am doing. He must leave because I am going downhill.
I accuse him of everything under the sun I don't understand, he just slept with me the other day, he just told me he loved me. How can things change so quickly? He says he will stay if I quit smoking and start doing yoga again. That I have to be awesome for him. That it is all my doing. The problems in our relationship. I am all bipolar and crap wondering when he's going to leave. What is the next thing I do that will make him leave. Will it be because the floor isn't mopped, if I yell at the kids, if I don't make him dinner. Not a fun place to be. Then it comes out that he has told this 19 year old that he will leave me and our kids for her, that he will do anything to be by her blah blah blah she is the sunshine he can not live without. All of this communication happens while I am sleeping. Can you imagine what my sleep turned to after that? Yay me. bipolar paranoid and by this point more then a little crazy. well turns out she said no and he wants to work on our relationship and stay together blah blah blah. I tell him ok but that I need some time to get over this crap, I will work on forgiving him but he needs to stay away from her. Why you say? I love him, I love him with everything in me. I can never stay mad at him for long. I always understand him. He's so funny and freaken smart. We have so much fun together when things are ok. I love talking to him watching movies with him when we actually can get out I have so much fun and he's my husband of 7 years and the father of my children I don't want to throw this away. I know people can get past this kind of crap, I know they can and do. So we go along. He's telling me he loves me and of course sleeping with me. Then I find out his little promotion at work was to go work with her she also got the promotion a little earlier. I find out he's taking breaks with her, going to lunch with her and working everyday 8 hours with her. He didn't exactly lie, but the whole omission crap when I asked him to stay away from her and give me time to get over it. well this doesn't seem to be what's happening. So now lol I am his jailor, he cannot stay at work for lunches, cuz it drives me insane. Well it drives me insane to think of them working like that everyday and he adores her, she is his sunshine. I cannot ask him to quit his job, this promotion also includes quite a bit of money, he's happier, due to the fact that he's working with her or the actual position who knows. The job itself is better for him then his previous position. So he has to come home for his lunch hour. So I know that he's not spending that hour with her. lol Sounds like so much fun for me huh. Then it comes to light, well he logs on facebook in front of me and he has messages so he logs out super fast. Well why would he log out. haha yeah these messages are from her and to her and yeah the staying away from her part is not working for him, giving me time to feel a little better yeah, Im even more of a jailer, he wants to be married to me, work on our relationship but cannot even stop sending fb messages to this child. So now I am not able to sleep wondering what's going on between them in facebook. I get his password from him and make him delete her as a friend and send her a little message of my own. Basically to leave my husband alone. At this point I am thinking he's not going to be able to stay away from her, he doesn't want to. Otherwise there would be some proof that he could. The whole action speaks louder then words huh.
What do you think
?????

Wow...

I would leave him I couldnt stay with him he is wrapped up in her and has been violent towards you.

This is all very wrong.

[Yoda]

You do what is right for you and your family but if it were me I would pack his belongings and send him off to his young friend.

You and your children deserve better. No relationship can survive without trust and he is not trustworthy.

[lynn P.]

I agree with Tishie and Yoda - because there's physical violence, this isn't a workable situation. There will always be stressful events in a relationship, so he'll most likely lose it again. The fact that he's tempted by this other woman is another red flag. Sometimes we love the wrong people. You don't need this degree of stress and he's unhealthy for you.

[madisgram]

i was in an abusive marriage-physical and mental. in a support group i joined i learned that statiscally there is no "cure" for these types. that statistic is very much like a child predator, no "cure". so i hope that gives you credence if you doubt.
you say you love him, etc. that was another thing explained to me...i was really just in love with the notion he would change. NOT. i was in love with what i wished it to be. i resisted this thought at first...but learned they were right. it was not love in the true sense of the word.
if it were me i'd leave this loser. there are nice guys out there that would truly respect you not control you. he's already proven to you he is not committed as you are, girl on facebook. what other evidence do you need? there is no percentage in staying with him for all these reasons. imho the abuse is the scariest cause i was warned, stayed, and was almost killed by my hubby.
i hope you will ponder over my post and the others. abuse to another human being is never acceptable. it doesn't have to be physical to call it abuse. your description of your relationship is frightening to me.
stay safe.

[Auqinu]

Thank you all for your thoughts, between the stress of the situation, the fact that I feel like a jailer and everything else involved I am not doing very well. It helped just to write it out in chronological order like that.

he's beat you up twice in the last year?? and he's cheating. if you can't kick this loser out for yourself then please do it for your kids. he is a horrid role model for them besides treating you like garbage. you deserve so much better than this man can ever give you.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I stopped reading at "I love him I love him, I love him with everything in me. I can never stay mad at him for long. I always understand him. He's so funny and freaken smart. We have so much fun together when things are ok. I love talking to him watching movies with him when we actually can get out I have so much fun and he's my husband of 7 years and the father of my children I don't want to throw this away."

It's let your children see you beaten up and treated like dirt teaching them that to be beaten up is ok and it's ok to use you as a backstop when others reject him? This is very dangerous for your kids and bodes ill for any relationships they enter into.

I really hope that you will gain some self esteem and self respect and kick him out of your life. Sure let him see the children if he is interested, but leave it at that. Be friends even but to allow him to stay in your life as a life partner is asking for trouble until he meets the next woman he wants to leave you for, and that will happen.

Please understand there is no mean words here at all, I am just flabberghasted and trying to explain what I see. Lifting a hand just once would be enough for me to say "I love you but this isn't on...goodbye", no turning back.

I do hope you are ok

[knty_lws]

I would leave him even though its hard if he's stressing you out causing you to feel like a jailor and that's something you don't want to do then you should quit him because with all that stress and everything going on with the situation you might develop a serious health problem
Hope evverything gets better

[getolife]

I'm pretty sure that you already know that his behavior would need to change dramatically for him to be acceptable material for a husband or a father. You need to understand that this is entirely in his power and that no matter what you do--you could keep the spotless house, prepare great gourmet meals, have the figure of a Barbie doll, and whatever else he claims that he wants from you and none of it would make one iota of difference. It's not about you.

That said, if he decided that he wanted to change, it would be hard, but not impossible. My husband was abusive early in our marriage and although he had a serious undiagnosed mental illness, he still managed to get the abusive tendencies under control and with the help of a counselor, he stopped all of the abuse--physical and emotional. It can happen, but HE HAS TO WANT IT. I'm afraid your husband doesn't want it badly enough, but you can find out.

Pick up whatever is left of your self-esteem and take a deep breath. You might want to write some of this out so you can sort things out--that's what works for me anyway. Write down what you believe would make this relationship work in terms of things that he would have to stop doing and of things that he would have to start doing. It may be a long list.

These "things" are your boundaries--they are the point at which his behavior can harm you in some way. We all have boundaries, but we don't think about them often because they get taken for granted. Sometimes in a bad relationship one person oversteps those boundaries so freely that the abuse becomes the thing taken for granted and at that point you have to make a point of reinforcing your boundaries to stop that abuse.

Make a list of things that are absolute deal-breakers for you. These are things that if they happen, you will KNOW that you need to separate. I know that he's already walked all over some of these, and if looking at your list clarifies your thinking to the point that you can walk away without feeling bad--by all means, do so. If not, make a plan for what you will do if these boundaries are broken.

Make lists of lesser boundaries--the things that hurt you, but that aren't as serious. Make a plan to stop those things from hurting you. For example, if he raises his voice, you can leave the room or the house if necessary. There are books by Cloud and Townsend that you can find in the library--"Boundaries" or "Boundaries in Marriage"--that explain this all in detail.

Start looking into options for a separation. Many women stay in bad situations because they are afraid of the alternatives--find out what the alternatives really are. You might be surprised at how unterrible they can be. Call a local domestic violence hotline and just get information. Just in case.

Good Luck--you'll need it.

Bonnie

Originally Posted by Auqinu

So I've been married for 7 years, have two beautiful children with him. Last year he beat me up twice, not to mention he likes to hit, shove, twist fingers and be menacing when he's angry. I forgave him the violence. I understood we were both in awful places mentally. I was barely functioning and yeah I know it had to be hard on him.
The end of may I started talking to him again, he told me he still loved me and wanted to be a family with me. We had a pretty good summer, as far as summers go. He didn't really move back in with us but he was here a lot. I tried to give him room and myself time to forgive each other and talk and spend time together. In September I started asking him if things were ok. It seemed something was off with us. He always replied things were ok. It just seemed things were getting to normal, I was sick, the kids started back at school. It was just wonderfully normal functioning family crap. Turns out he didn't want to talk to me because his time was given to a 19 year old online at night while I was sleeping who he works with.
This came as a surprise to me, just a little bit. This is the man who says he loves me, is still sleeping with me, often. It comes out because first he says he's leaving me. He blames it all on me... things I am doing. He must leave because I am going downhill.
I accuse him of everything under the sun I don't understand, he just slept with me the other day, he just told me he loved me. How can things change so quickly? He says he will stay if I quit smoking and start doing yoga again. That I have to be awesome for him. That it is all my doing. The problems in our relationship. I am all bipolar and crap wondering when he's going to leave. What is the next thing I do that will make him leave. Will it be because the floor isn't mopped, if I yell at the kids, if I don't make him dinner. Not a fun place to be. Then it comes out that he has told this 19 year old that he will leave me and our kids for her, that he will do anything to be by her blah blah blah she is the sunshine he can not live without. All of this communication happens while I am sleeping. Can you imagine what my sleep turned to after that? Yay me. bipolar paranoid and by this point more then a little crazy. well turns out she said no and he wants to work on our relationship and stay together blah blah blah. I tell him ok but that I need some time to get over this crap, I will work on forgiving him but he needs to stay away from her. Why you say? I love him, I love him with everything in me. I can never stay mad at him for long. I always understand him. He's so funny and freaken smart. We have so much fun together when things are ok. I love talking to him watching movies with him when we actually can get out I have so much fun and he's my husband of 7 years and the father of my children I don't want to throw this away. I know people can get past this kind of crap, I know they can and do. So we go along. He's telling me he loves me and of course sleeping with me. Then I find out his little promotion at work was to go work with her she also got the promotion a little earlier. I find out he's taking breaks with her, going to lunch with her and working everyday 8 hours with her. He didn't exactly lie, but the whole omission crap when I asked him to stay away from her and give me time to get over it. well this doesn't seem to be what's happening. So now lol I am his jailor, he cannot stay at work for lunches, cuz it drives me insane. Well it drives me insane to think of them working like that everyday and he adores her, she is his sunshine. I cannot ask him to quit his job, this promotion also includes quite a bit of money, he's happier, due to the fact that he's working with her or the actual position who knows. The job itself is better for him then his previous position. So he has to come home for his lunch hour. So I know that he's not spending that hour with her. lol Sounds like so much fun for me huh. Then it comes to light, well he logs on facebook in front of me and he has messages so he logs out super fast. Well why would he log out. haha yeah these messages are from her and to her and yeah the staying away from her part is not working for him, giving me time to feel a little better yeah, Im even more of a jailer, he wants to be married to me, work on our relationship but cannot even stop sending fb messages to this child. So now I am not able to sleep wondering what's going on between them in facebook. I get his password from him and make him delete her as a friend and send her a little message of my own. Basically to leave my husband alone. At this point I am thinking he's not going to be able to stay away from her, he doesn't want to. Otherwise there would be some proof that he could. The whole action speaks louder then words huh.
What do you think
?????