[vintageromance]

I have clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. On top of that (which is being managed - for the most part - with medication), I'm going through a lot right now. My mom has been very sick for months (which has made me her caregiver), my dad has just been sentenced to 50 years in prison, my mom and I are fighting to pay the bills and buy other essentials, etc. That's what I'm dealing with.

My husband is busy dealing with his family, which annoys him to death. They're constantly coming over and wearing out their welcome. Because they're always over, he feels like he never has time to himself. He's just sick of all of them. Lately, he's been a little depressed and withdrawn because of them. Despite my needing him because of my own problems, I've been trying to give him the space that he needs.

It's been hard for me this week because he's wanted to be alone so often, but today is the last straw. I really need him. I need to be comforted and supported; especially because of my mom's illness. Unfortunately, he's feeling very tired and anti-social today. I told him that I really need to talk to him, but you can tell he isn't up to talking to anyone at all.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I've stretched myself thin giving him the space he needs. I've been putting all my feelings on the back burner for a few weeks now and I feel like it's my turn to be given what I need. I try to remember that people can only give what they can give and that it's unfair to expect or demand more, but it's still frustrating. I have no one else to talk to. No friends, no family, no therapist.

What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to be fair about this, but I don't feel like I can handle anymore, all alone. I need his support and, as unfair as my feelings seems, it makes me angry that he can't pull himself out of his mood to comfort me. Should I just continue to give him space or should I just put my foot down and tell him that I need him and that he should be there for me? Any advice you have is greatly appreciated.

[danii24]

the stress your under with been a care giver is going to put u down. unfortunately with some1 like use (clinical depression) this kind of stress will trigger another bout of depression. im really sorry to hear that your mother is so sick and that your fathers in prison.

I dont tink that your husband is being stand offish with you but hes under pressure to from his family. i no u say he cnt pull himself out of his mood but ive to expect people to put up with us when we cant pull ourselfs out of it, maybe he needs a little bit extra time. i no its frustrating but dnt let others ruin things between u's 2.

i no u said you tried to tlk to him but he wnt tlk bout it. is your husband suffering from depression 2 that might be why hes closing himself off.

I no in my family if my dad was challanged about how he felt he would give my mam the silent treatment because he was brought up as a tipical irish man that didnt tlk bout his feelings. some men find it hard to chat bout that kind of stuff. some see it as a weekness. sorry this prob isnt very helpful

[shezbut]

(((vintageromance)))

I'm sorry that you're both going through such hard times right now. It is great that you are taking some medication, to help you work through the problems. Still, that's only part of the solution. One on one counseling is a big part of the solution.

Even if your husband wasn't stressed to the gourd, talking with him probably wouldn't give you what you need. You need a therapist. Maybe picking up the phone, and calling one of those phone centers on your really stressful times is an option to get you through.

Different people do have different ways of working through their emotions. Have you tried various exercises to help battle the anxiety that you're struggling with? Exercise is my personal favorite to let that extra energy out in a healthy way. Like: 6 mile power walks on nature trails ~ the nature trail re-boots a better sense of identity for me. Six miles because it gives me a sense of accomplishment, and it takes some time to work through my emotions & then finally begin to enjoy the nature surrounding me.

Hope that helps you. Gentle hugs sent out to you.

[vintageromance]

Originally Posted by danii24

the stress your under with been a care giver is going to put u down. unfortunately with some1 like use (clinical depression) this kind of stress will trigger another bout of depression. im really sorry to hear that your mother is so sick and that your fathers in prison.

I dont tink that your husband is being stand offish with you but hes under pressure to from his family. i no u say he cnt pull himself out of his mood but ive to expect people to put up with us when we cant pull ourselfs out of it, maybe he needs a little bit extra time. i no its frustrating but dnt let others ruin things between u's 2.

i no u said you tried to tlk to him but he wnt tlk bout it. is your husband suffering from depression 2 that might be why hes closing himself off.

I no in my family if my dad was challanged about how he felt he would give my mam the silent treatment because he was brought up as a tipical irish man that didnt tlk bout his feelings. some men find it hard to chat bout that kind of stuff. some see it as a weekness. sorry this prob isnt very helpful

Thank you for your condolences. Your reply is a relief to me. It's good to hear that he's not being stand offish and at least I know how to respond fairly and appropriately now. I'm not very good with relationships, so this sort of insight into normal behavior is helpful to me. I will definitely try to give him as much space as he needs and let up a bit with my own neediness.

He hasn't been officially diagnosed, but as someone with depression, I know what it looks like and I do think he is depressed; most likely situationally-so, not clinical or long-term. He is tight-lipped about his emotions (although over the years he has gotten better about opening up), but I think his initial and natural reaction is to close up and withdrawal.

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((vintageromance)))

I'm sorry that you're both going through such hard times right now. It is great that you are taking some medication, to help you work through the problems. Still, that's only part of the solution. One on one counseling is a big part of the solution.

Even if your husband wasn't stressed to the gourd, talking with him probably wouldn't give you what you need. You need a therapist. Maybe picking up the phone, and calling one of those phone centers on your really stressful times is an option to get you through.

Different people do have different ways of working through their emotions. Have you tried various exercises to help battle the anxiety that you're struggling with? Exercise is my personal favorite to let that extra energy out in a healthy way. Like: 6 mile power walks on nature trails ~ the nature trail re-boots a better sense of identity for me. Six miles because it gives me a sense of accomplishment, and it takes some time to work through my emotions & then finally begin to enjoy the nature surrounding me.

Hope that helps you. Gentle hugs sent out to you.

I have been seeing a therapist since May 2010, but she has proved to be very unreliable, so I'm searching for a new one. As of now, no such luck. I can't afford a therapist it seems and even the therapists who are there for low-income individuals still charge too much for me.

I agree with the exercise. I do work out for an hour 5x a week. It's a struggle to do it sometimes because of the depression, but I think it does help manage my anxiety and depression. My husband has even become interested in exercise and plans to start jogging in August. Maybe it'll help relieve some of his stress as well.

[danii24]

its good advice n theory but i dnt do relationships myself. 4 some reason i cn advice others on their relationships but ive nvr been in 1. the "in sight into normal behaviour" made me laugh (in a good way) because no1 evr said that 2 me b4 normal behaviour usually my behaviour isnt normal !!

[RomanSunburn]

It's kind of funny to me that you posted this thread, because honestly, I was thinking about posting something almost exactly the same!

My fiance and I have been going through some very stressful times right now. He's in the process of changing jobs (not by choice...) and I'm getting a third job. I have GAD and clinical depression also, though since we moved out here a year ago, I've been fairly under control without therapy or meds. Unfortunately, with all the stress that's been coming to a head, my anxiety and depression are starting to flare. My fiance has never been diagnosed either, but I can tell he's been depressed for months and tonight he had a panic attack.

My recommendation would be to definitely look for a new therapist. I would also check your local NAMI branch to see if they have any support groups. The one in my county offers free support groups for both sufferers of mental illness and another for family members. They might also have a list of therapists in your area that take sliding scale payments.

Tonight my mother gave me some good advice. I'm not sure how helpful it is, but she said "Sometimes he's going to be the rock for you. Other times, you're going to be the rock for him. And at times, it's going to be slippery." I know it's hard. I honestly have no idea how to be the rock for him since he's been taking care of me for the past 5 years. We have to do our best to take care of ourselves first, and try to be there for our significant others when they need us. Maybe when you're both upset, the two of you can just hold each other for a little while without talking about anything -- that way you have at least physical reassurance that he's there to support you, and you him.

I wish I had better advice for you, but I wanted you to know you're not alone. Personally, I'm terrified. I know we'll get through this, I'm just not sure how...

You can also check out the caregivers support forum here at PC, if you haven't already.

Take care. Try to take care of yourself as best you can.

[vintageromance]

Originally Posted by danii24

its good advice n theory but i dnt do relationships myself. 4 some reason i cn advice others on their relationships but ive nvr been in 1. the "in sight into normal behaviour" made me laugh (in a good way) because no1 evr said that 2 me b4 normal behaviour usually my behaviour isnt normal !!

Well, I'd say you do give good advice and I'm sure your behavior is quite normal.

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

It's kind of funny to me that you posted this thread, because honestly, I was thinking about posting something almost exactly the same!

My fiance and I have been going through some very stressful times right now. He's in the process of changing jobs (not by choice...) and I'm getting a third job. I have GAD and clinical depression also, though since we moved out here a year ago, I've been fairly under control without therapy or meds. Unfortunately, with all the stress that's been coming to a head, my anxiety and depression are starting to flare. My fiance has never been diagnosed either, but I can tell he's been depressed for months and tonight he had a panic attack.

My recommendation would be to definitely look for a new therapist. I would also check your local NAMI branch to see if they have any support groups. The one in my county offers free support groups for both sufferers of mental illness and another for family members. They might also have a list of therapists in your area that take sliding scale payments.

Tonight my mother gave me some good advice. I'm not sure how helpful it is, but she said "Sometimes he's going to be the rock for you. Other times, you're going to be the rock for him. And at times, it's going to be slippery." I know it's hard. I honestly have no idea how to be the rock for him since he's been taking care of me for the past 5 years. We have to do our best to take care of ourselves first, and try to be there for our significant others when they need us. Maybe when you're both upset, the two of you can just hold each other for a little while without talking about anything -- that way you have at least physical reassurance that he's there to support you, and you him.

I wish I had better advice for you, but I wanted you to know you're not alone. Personally, I'm terrified. I know we'll get through this, I'm just not sure how...

You can also check out the caregivers support forum here at PC, if you haven't already.

Take care. Try to take care of yourself as best you can.

How odd that we're going through such a similar problem! I hope everything works out for you guys. If you stay strong and stick together, I'm positive that everything will come together sooner or later.

I just checked my local NAMI branch and did find a few close support groups. I'll probably check a few out. There are only a few therapists in my area who take sliding scale payments, but it's still too expensive for me. To be honest, I'm only able to afford $5-10 right now and that just isn't flying with any of the therapists I come across (except the one I've been seeing).

Your mothers advice makes a lot of sense. Like you, I'm not always sure how to be the rock for my husband because I'm so used to him taking care of me. I like the idea of just holding each other though and I'm sure it'll bring us both comfort and reassurance when words don't. I think that's definitely something we need to incorporate into our lives.