[Jenn1fer82]

I have very conflicting feelings and I am having a very difficult time understanding myself and what I should be doing. I've posted on here once before that a old friend had contacted me and we havent seen or spoke to one another for over 3 years. He sent me an email telling me how sorry he was for what had happened to our friendship and how much pain he had caused me.

Years ago we had gone out with our friends just like any other weekend and that night I had too much too drink. He is usually the friend that I trust to take me home because he hardly ever drinks. We ended up having sex and I woke up the next morning in shock, feeling anger, betrayed and even used. I just couldn't believe it that he would have sex with me knowing that I was so drunk. To this day I can't remember what exactly happen. I have images of that night and I don't remember me fighting him off of me but based off of my feelings the next morning I knew I never wanted to have sex with him because I never felt like that towards him.

I feel that as a woman I should stand strong and hate him for the rest of my life. As time past I reflect about that night and I begin to think that maybe he just made a horrible but selfish choice. For those years I felt I was date raped because thats what most people in society would describe what happened that night but when I reflect back and knowing how good of a friend he was to me, I begin to think that he made a bad choice and maybe I wasn't raped. I just dont know how to describe it, I'm not sure even what I'm feeling. I want to move in life thats all.

He told me that he was misled and thought that I wanted to have sex with him also but he should have realized that I was too drunk to know the difference and he should have had more self control and walked away from the situation. Our friendship ended for many years and now hearing from him again I dont feel as angry especially when I've been able to talk to him, hearing his remorse it's also helped me get some closure. Even though I dont remember how exactly things happened that night but I doubt myself and wonder maybe at that moment I was willing but I wasn't in my right mind because I was drunk. All I know was that I woke up the next morning feeling bad about myself and mad at him. So now the doubt has made me think of things differently of that night that happened 3 years ago.

My conflicting feelings are that should I stay angry at him? Should I stand by all raped victims and no matter how remorseful he feels I should never forgive him. When I describe to other people what happened everyone tells me I was date raped but at times even I dont know what to think of it because when I know him as a man as my bestfriend of the two years we knew each other he has a big heart and wouldn't want to hurt me. It was just so complicated to deal with and I felt so much hurt because he was my bestfriend.

[Leed]

I'm gonna get flamed for this, but I'm going to say it anyway. LOL

It seems to me that it would be very difficult for another person to know exactly WHEN you've had too much to drink TO THE POINT of not being able to make good, sane decisions. Yes, you drank too much and weren't in a place to make the decision of whether to have sex or not --- but how would HE know how far the drunkeness had gone? He may have gotten a certain vibe -- it's hard to say. He was WRONG regardless.

I'm NOT saying that what happened was YOUR FAULT by any means. He should not have made any moves on you at all !! What he did was rotten -- and very selfish!! And it could have had very tragic results, i.e. pregnancy

But since you're having such conflicting feelings about whether to stay mad at him or not --- maybe you should see a counselor about this. He/she could be more objective about this. One thing to your "friends'" benefit is that he's remorseful about it. He SHOULD be -- and I'm glad he feels bad about it!!

It's just that continuing to stay angry is just going to make YOU sick. When you carry that kind of anger around, it can manifest itself in ways that aren't too pretty. It's OK to forgive him -- but that doesn't mean you have to be "friends" with him anymore. You just need to get rid of this anger, and move on.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best. Be careful about drinking tho -- it can lead to worse things. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

I have very conflicting feelings and I am having a very difficult time understanding myself and what I should be doing. I've posted on here once before that a old friend had contacted me and we havent seen or spoke to one another for over 3 years. He sent me an email telling me how sorry he was for what had happened to our friendship and how much pain he had caused me.

Years ago we had gone out with our friends just like any other weekend and that night I had too much too drink. He is usually the friend that I trust to take me home because he hardly ever drinks. We ended up having sex and I woke up the next morning in shock, feeling anger, betrayed and even used. I just couldn't believe it that he would have sex with me knowing that I was so drunk. To this day I can't remember what exactly happen. I have images of that night and I don't remember me fighting him off of me but based off of my feelings the next morning I knew I never wanted to have sex with him because I never felt like that towards him.

I feel that as a woman I should stand strong and hate him for the rest of my life. As time past I reflect about that night and I begin to think that maybe he just made a horrible but selfish choice. For those years I felt I was date raped because thats what most people in society would describe what happened that night but when I reflect back and knowing how good of a friend he was to me, I begin to think that he made a bad choice and maybe I wasn't raped. I just dont know how to describe it, I'm not sure even what I'm feeling. I want to move in life thats all.

He told me that he was misled and thought that I wanted to have sex with him also but he should have realized that I was too drunk to know the difference and he should have had more self control and walked away from the situation. Our friendship ended for many years and now hearing from him again I dont feel as angry especially when I've been able to talk to him, hearing his remorse it's also helped me get some closure. Even though I dont remember how exactly things happened that night but I doubt myself and wonder maybe at that moment I was willing but I wasn't in my right mind because I was drunk. All I know was that I woke up the next morning feeling bad about myself and mad at him. So now the doubt has made me think of things differently of that night that happened 3 years ago.

My conflicting feelings are that should I stay angry at him? Should I stand by all raped victims and no matter how remorseful he feels I should never forgive him. When I describe to other people what happened everyone tells me I was date raped but at times even I dont know what to think of it because when I know him as a man as my bestfriend of the two years we knew each other he has a big heart and wouldn't want to hurt me. It was just so complicated to deal with and I felt so much hurt because he was my bestfriend.

Don't worry about standing by "all raped women". you have to be comfortable with your decision.

If he knew you never wanted to have sex with him in the past. plus you'd been drinking enough that you'd needed a ride home. obviously your thinking and judgement were impaired greatly. And you said you woke up feeling angry, betrayed and used and you couldn't believe he would have sex with him while you were so drunk...

it sounds like your friend definitely took advantage of you in a big way - just because you don't remember "fighting back" doesn't mean you weren't raped - you were with someone you trusted at the time.

Why is it ok 3 years later that he had sex with you when you were so drunk? Would it be ok today?

Of course he is remorseful - He is feeling guilty, so he is trying to get your forgiveness. Why did it take so long for him to get back in touch with you? He should be sorry - he violated your friendship and your body.

In the end it is your decision whether you forgive him but in friendship a big part of it is trust, and I don't know how you could ever think of trusting him again....you might want to forgive this guy, but could you really? Saying he's forgiven may ease his mind, but what about your peace of mind?

[mgran]

I agree with Moonbeam. What is most important is that you stand by yourself.

[Perna]

Manufacturing anger, on principle, because you think you should be angry, is not a good idea. If you do not feel anger, you do not feel it!

Whether you were raped or not does not sound like the question here: The morning after you did not like what had happened the night before, but your friend did not get you drunk, you did that to yourself! Your friend might have thought you were okay with sex, not all drunk women who have sex are victims.

Just because you were drunk, does not absolve you for your part in whether or not there was sex. That you do not want to have sex with someone when you are sober, does not mean that person is "in charge" of you when you drink or even that you do not want to have sex when you are drunk.

Too, the other person gets just as much right to like/dislike sex (with you or another) as you do. Your friend wanted to have sex with you and you do not appear to have said "No". I don't think you were asleep or passed out and that's pretty much the only three reasons why he should not have had sex with you.

I would work on my own drinking problems so I do not behave in ways I feel are against my own principles (if that's how you want to live; some people get drunk specifically because it lowers inhibitions and is more "comfortable" and leaves them less anxious and "up-tight"). I would be friends with this man, especially since he apologized for his actions (which says what sort of man he is, not whether his actions were "wrong") since they appear to have upset you. I would have a very specific conversation with him about sex between the two of you and what has to be happening (you actively initiating or, not drunk, etc.) before it can take place.

[SoupDragon]

Maybe he did make a horrible selfish choice which he is now very sorry for. The label for this? What is the definition of rape? Does the label change how you feel?

I think in terms of forgiveness, this is a real personal choice and no-one can advise you whether you should or shouldn't. However when we say sorry, is that because we want to benefit the person we wronged, or to relieve our own burden of guilt. So all I would throw in is if you do decide to forgive, make sure that is for your benefit and not for him to relieve his guilt.