[melinda84]

Hello. My bf who I have been dating for 6 months (living with for 1 month)and I are very much in love and things are mostly great, except for the fact that it seems like I do most of the talking and I take charge most of the time in our relationship. I would like to feel more like we're a team, but most of the time I feel relatively alone. I have talked to him about these feelings before and he apologizes for his actions and agrees to try to improve things, but this is kind of an issue that continues to get me down. The thing is that I don't really know if things are really better than I'm perceiving them to be and it's just other things getting me down or if it's really his lack of communication. For example, when i'm talking I usually go on a lot about a certain topic and then he only responds when he feels necessary, but there's times when I'm talking that I find it difficult to tell if he's really listening and it really hurts. I told him directly that it would really help if he just nodded or told me if he agreed or didn't agree with things I said. I am not talking about one conversation in particular. I just mean I would like to know his perspective on everything when we're talking. Sometimes he will tell me that he agrees or feels the same, but I always have to ask how he feels first. He doesn't disagree with me very often either, he usually just goes along with what I say or feel. I think that is how he honestly feels and that is okay, but he doesn't really add anything to the conversation to make it more interesting and include himself. I hope you understand what i'm saying here. I really want us to communicate better so we can have a great lasting long-term relationship. Do you have any tips for better communication? I really don't think this is something he is doing on purpose because he has had a very tough and sheltered past (the same goes for me, but I came out of my shell a little before our relationship). He has never had a serious relationship with anyone before me and he is 29 years old so sometimes I think he is just not familiar with how to communicate in a relationship.

[madisgram]

your last sentence may be true...his communication skills may not be as up to snuff as yours. how about limiting what you say and see if he opens up? he may just be a more introverted person and that's ok. i'm a 'chatty cathy" and my husband was more reserved. so i tried to tone it down a bit and it helped. plus you could ask him questions about what he's interested in to make him feel more comfortable talking. and being a good listener helps too. i really had to restrain myself sometimes cause i was so enthusiastic about so many things. my hubby was too, just quieter. you can help create more of a balance in your conversations.
hope this helps.

[LifeIsHot]

My experience is a bit like Mdisgram's.
I would add that each person has their own timing, sometimes it's worth the wait...
You can always remind yourself of how interesting it is to be single, sexually free, yummm, but I for one quickly remember how hard it is to adapt to someone else's idiosyncratic habits lol and remind myself of all the positive aspects of his personality.
Hope it helps.

[LifeIsHot]

Madigram's insight is a good one, that's what I did with my husband.
I try not to push and to respect our different timing.
At the same time I always remeber the wonderful person that he is with me. The good thigs. Focus on the good things.
Thank you

[melinda84]

Thanks, guys. I will definitely try to take your advice. I see what you're saying, madisgram. It is important to be a good listener as well and that's where my problem lays. I have a hard time staying completely focused sometimes when somebody else is talking, but I love to talk and I usually end up dominating conversations by doing most of the talking. I also have a tough time relaxing which is quite frustrating. It just seems like my mind is overworked cuz I am always full of thoughts and ideas. I have seen a therapist before and I thought I might have ADD, but my therapist didn't test me cuz she didn't seem to think that I have ADD. She thought I had anxiety issues though and she wanted to put me on anxiety meds, but I don't want to be on meds cuz of all the side effects. I would like to get another opinion and see a different therapist, but the copayments are a bit too pricey for me to afford. They are like $40 a visit which turns out to be $80 a month.

My boyfriend has told me that he is just a quiet person and that is okay with me, but I just need him to communicate a little more to me. When I'm talking and he's listening, I'd appreciate if he would start to nod or tell me his perspective on what is being said at least to show that he's listening. I am pretty good at showing that I am listening to him or anyone else at least, but it's just like difficult for my mind to grasp what's being said at times if that makes any sense. It feels like it takes a little time for me to understand things.

[thine_self_untrue]

LOL My bf is the chatty one but for a long time he kept it on the surface. We both have trust issues, so it's taken us a long time to even get to the level where we are now. I ask him questions and that seems to help him open up. It's like he doesn't know how to ease into deeper discussion, but he'll follow my lead. Basically, I give him little nudges and then shut up and listen. The more outright and blunt you are the more likely the person you're talking to is to respond in kind. To be trusted, you have to trust and to expect honesty you have to be honest. You could say something like "I feel like you're having trouble talking to me. Is there a reason this is hard for you and is there something I can do to make it easier?" Just do little things to shift the focus unto him in ways you can both be comfortable with.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Melinda,

In 99% of relationships there is a more dominant personality who will take over things while the other will allow this to be done so that they basically don't have to do anything.

It can get stressfull at times, and it can get very tiring and annoying but it has to be done. If it bothers you just hand half of everything to him to do and then you'll have something to talk about.

I really wish you luck on this one because once habits are formed they are very hard to break.

[freestyl_er]

Hi melinda my partner and i started out similarly (conversationally) and the way she got me to open up a bit, was to strike up a conversation about my interests. If its appropriate, maybe a bit of sex talk. Likes dislikes fantasys etc. Or if thats a no go try speaking about somthing you both dislike. government policy, celebrities, sports etc im sure theres somthing in that area best of luck.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by melinda84

I have talked to him about these feelings before and he apologizes for his actions and agrees to try to improve things...

I'm wondering if he might feel that he'll get in less trouble for saying nothing, even if he ends up having to apologize for it, than if he were to tell you something you didn't like to hear. He might, for example, think he's a lousy conversationalist and not want you to find that out till you've had more opportunity to discover his other fine qualities. He might be wishing he could talk to someone about something that he's pretty sure you wouldn't be interested in. He might might even expect you to think badly of him for being interested in it. (Quantum physics?! What kind of geek would want to talk to his gf about quantum physics?!) Or else: if he wanted to be left alone for a while to read the paper, watch the game or think about quantum physics, would he expect to be able tell you that without, say, hurting you?

[RomanSunburn]

My boyfriend and I started out very similarly too. I just want to mention that you've only been with him for 6 months, which isn't a huge amount of time, especially to get used to someone and get into a pattern with them, if you know what I mean. You can't force them to change or anything, especially over night. Over the course of several years and many, many conversations, my boyfriend and I have found a rhythm for our communication. He started out very quiet, not always responding, and we were on the phone! I constantly felt like he must have fallen asleep. But eventually he began to fell comfortable enough with me to really be a part of the conversation. Granted, I had to tell him what I wanted from him and give him specific examples, but really, it's just a slow process of getting closer to each other and as comfortable with the other person as you are with yourself. Also, what Fool Zero mentioned is a very real possibility. If I let myself get too frustrated and my boyfriend would see it as me yelling at him and being angry with him, and that would make him clam up more. It's got to be a slow, gentle process of getting closer in all areas of your relationship, not just communication.

[melinda84]

Thanks for your advice, guys. I can see what you're saying about the possibility of him clamming up because he's afraid I might get upset. I have been getting upset at him often it seems lately. As much as I try, I often can't control it though. I have really gotten upset over some stupid things such as the fact that I found out he likes a lot of different movies than I do. Deep down inside, it feels like I don't have as much to share with him so that's partly why I get upset, but also because I just don't like having such extreme differences sometimes.

I wish I knew how to cope with my anger. I have really been having a lot of trouble with that. It seems like I also could be taking my depression out on him, but i'm not sure that is the only issue. I have been very depressed because of the cold winter weather (which I hate cuz it keeps me indoors all the time) and I've been depressed cuz of Christmas (I really don't like it. Too many negative memories it brings).

I don't want my bf to stop communicating with me cuz of this though. We need to communicate to keep the relationship strong.

I've thought about counseling, but the more I think about it the more I think that it'd be a waste of money because I have been to a therapist before and she really didn't seem to help. All they do is listen to you talk about your problems instead of give a resolution to your problems most of the time and it might not be the right resolution I need.