[misrable]

Its been five years and I still won't let go of a relationship that hurts me. No effection, no respect, no trust. We clearly both care for each other but we are just not happy but I can't let go. Some peopl tell me..."I can't fix everyting" but i just keep trying...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello miserable,

Welcome to pc. I feel for you. Have you tried couples counselling? Therapy? It is possible that you will either find each other, or you will realise that you should be somewhere else.

Either way I hope that you find the strength to decide what is right for you and freedom to be able to choose your own path and be happy on it.

[LookingforCalm]

You just know. You really do. You get fed up, especially if the other person doesn't try. You go to counseling, the other person doesn't. You really just know. It's hard, and it's tough decision to make; but you really know when enough is enough.

[mgulsun]

I know how your feeling. I feel the same way even when she stares at you and says leave me alone you just cant let go.. What we do is we put them in the center of our lives and without them its just to hard to go on. Weve been fighting for the last 2 hours. I feel stupid sometimes the way she makes me feel. I dont feel the courage inside to say enough because it gets harder without her. Im clinically depressed i feel like only time when i have fun or when i enjoy life is when im with her and apperantly this is too much for her. I just cant differentiate if its love or obsession thats keeping us together or does it really matter which one it is as long as were together. Its not about letting go its about how to keep it that way with less pain.

[madisgram]

often times we know something intellectually but we allow our emotions to override logic. i think that's what's going on with you. i stayed in a marriage 15 best years of my life that was unfufilling. i knew this about 4 years in. but i chose to stay in something that wasn't going to work.

perhaps your situation is different than mine. if that is true i'd ask him to go to couple's counseling. if he says no, mine did say no, then it seems he thinks there is nothing he wants to change perhaps for the better in your relationship with him. you go regardless. it may help you untangle all this and find a decision that will work for you.

and welcome to pc!

[Perna]

How do you know you care for each other? I would concentrate on trying to blow those sparks of feelings and actions into a nice warm flame, ignore the seeming lack of affection, respect and trust for a bit and see what happens. If you get too much ash in your eyes and no fire, you'll know it's time to move on.

[Fairylover]

Yes you do know when enough is enough, I unfortunately stayed too long as well, have been so unhappy for many years &only happy outside the home & out of my husbands company, you do know as I do now, this life is to be lived & you only live once I have found the courage from somewhere & am scared of whats infront of me but truly know that there is more, than this constant barrage of abuse that still goes on in my life...

[Mariet06]

I myself would like to know the answer to your question. I recently found out from my husband that he has been unhappy for awhile and no longer wants to work it out. He tells me this now after 11 years of marriage and 14 years of being together. I also for a period of time did not feel happy especially when he cheated on me previously. But I didn't want to give up, I wanted to succeed as a family and gave him a chance. Now after having our second child well she's a little over one he decides to be open about his unhappiness..ugh sucks because I want to let go just as easily as he is but I find it hard. In the long run I feel it has to end but what a twist and stab to my heart and soul. I guess the fact that he has found someone else at his job too should be enough reason for me to let go..but it's so hard.

[series0]

For me this question has a clear answer.

It is simply fear.

There are two main categories of fear that keep people in realtionships that are bad for them:

1) Fear of loss - You're going to lose the comforting history and measure of certainty you have developed.
2) Fear of lonliness - You're going to face having to find another relationship and you are worried you do not have what it takes.

These two fears conspire to keep you "hoping" things will work out and never facing directly the mounting and obvious truth of how bad things are.

If you become paralyzed with fear you have to use optimistic thinking to escape the trap. Pesimism can keep you in the bad cycle indefinately.

Examples of how pesimistic thinking let fear keep you trapped:

1. This relationshiped failed and its my fault - ill just ruin the next one to.
2. Im worthless and I should feel lucky I at least have this terrible relationship.
3. I dont want to be alone and its too hard to find a person to be with.
4. I dont like anyone so I might as well keep this bad relationship.
5. Life is too short I cannot build as meaningful a relationship with someone else in my remaining years.

Use constant little optimistic steps to break the cycle.

Explain to your partner what your needs are and what your limits are on their behavior. If they dont respect your needs or their behavior breaks the rules you should have clearly planned responses designed to help you seek counseling, limit your support for them, and finally begin to seek terminating the relationship. Be optimistic for yourself (and them to if they change for the good) Be faithful to yourself. Carry out your plans despite fear. If they disrespect your needs constantly then in short order you should be seeking a breakup and taking steps to secure yourself away from your partner. Just act like its an unchangable plan. You ll get a lot more respect from them and from yourself by not giving into fear and sticking to the planned separation/breakup steps. At some point they will realize you are serious and the inertia may change. if it doesnt then good ridance! Get yourself free and breath and start a new relationship with the same strategy. Keep repeating it until you find one that works.

[23Michele]

Hey, If your both clearly miserable then it's time to let go. If you have support and the resorces you can do this. Some times poeple have to stay in an uncomfortable situation because theres no where to go.

[fairyrings]

I came looking for a chat because I am going through the same thing. And it is complicated because I don't think my partner knows what to do with me anymore. I was diagnosed with bipolar about 6 months ago after a pretty bad breakdown. And now when I am 4 weeks stable, I feel like I am in this constant test and if I fail he is going to leave. He says he does not know if he loves me anymore, that something is now broken. I never thought I would stay in something after someone said that. I can't believe I am finding it so hard to let go.