[riseandconquer]

Hi!

I'm brand new here, but of course, looking for advice. Apologize because this will most likely be long. Bear with me, and thank you.

Started dating a really sweet, charming man 2 years ago. We were like best friends right away, and as we got to know each other, things seemed to get better.

After about 7 months, we moved in together, and some real trouble started happening. He suddenly became extremely withdrawn, had a lot of anger/rage issues, and really closed himself off from talking too deeply about anything bothering him.

This lasted for about 7 months off and on, and when it wasn't happening, he was great. It was VERY Jekyl/Hyde, nearly to the point of baffling. He would even accuse me of saying/doing things that never actually happened, as if his brain was reconstructing arguments to augment whatever problem he was having.

Skip forward to November. He had asked me to marry him in July, and we were to be married in November. His anger had all but gone, and he was happy and sweet most of the time, so I figured maybe it was a phase of some kind.

However, something was bothering him greatly in Nov (not to the point of anger, but he was sad), and he confessed some things to me:

1) when we first moved in together, he attended a convention alone and met a girl he thought he may have interest in. He didn't do anything, but did remain friendly with her on fb, and continued to worry about having interest in her for a few months until one day he looked at her pics and had no idea why he'd ever thought he had interest in the first place.

2) He masturbated to thoughts of exes/friends, sometimes purely out of spite and anger at me (to mentally cheat, that was intent), and sometimes not. But all of these people were "less then" - meaning these thoughts were about domination/control of something less than him (they're really unattractive, some were profoundly overweight, one literally smells, I know who they are - most of them in real life hurt him or placed him in a position of control - one was a student - he was a professor in reality at the time). Each time he did this, he'd be finished, only to feel absolutely worse than before.

3) Everywhere he went he not only mentally undressed pretty much all women, but thought/visualized himself having sex with them, to the point where he was freaking out.

He then told me that those issues began to go away once he found he could trust me, and here's where the real issue lies:

As a child, he was abused and abandoned. His father was verbally/emotionally/physically abusive, and his mother was passive to it. He'd never had a protector, and was often left alone. Throughout his teen years, he did nothing but play games and watch porn, which is where he learned about sex because no one in school or home discussed it, other than kids.

He went to an all boys school and learned from peers that to be popular, you had to get girls to give you something sexually, anything. So that's what he learned to do.

However, in doing that, he chose girls with the same issues he had, who ended up doing worse to him. One woman he chose in his 18-23 range was one who showed him interest only when he tried to make her jealous by dating other women - this went on for 5 years.

After that instance, and many more with friends doing some backstabbing things, he literally viewed the world as "no one is who they say they are. no one is honest. everyone will eff up at some point and hurt me."

When he met me, he was recently out of a 1 year R with a woman who claimed honesty and love and cheated on him, which badly scarred him.

After all this came out, he began to go to therapy to figure out what these symptoms were actually rooted from. In these 4 months, we figured out together that: a) sometimes he thought he hated me, when in reality he carried around that "inherently flawed" feeling that no one would ever love him, so he was projecting his self-hate to push me away

b) his disconnection was out of complete fear, and his having girls around (mostly again on FB) was to make me think he's more desirable and to try and "keep me" - KWIM? Because of what he was taught

c) in order to protect himself from the pain he absolutely "knew" I would cause him, because no one could be as good as he believed I was so he couldn't trust me, he would attempt to put focus on other women, but found it to be unsatisfying and miserable (it would take 5 -10 of these women to even work).

He's also called this "predator/prey" and feels he had this while dating unhealthy women - not looking for a connection, looking for a conquer, which he says he never felt with me - which was odd for him also.

He lived with anxiety of me lying, cheating, or simply being someone I'm not every day, but had also learned as a child to be "robotic" and deny/suppress his feelings so well, it was to the point of surface level only.

When in therapy, it came out that he had been suffering from depression and self-hatred all of his life because he felt controlled and unaccepted in his own home, and by the women he chose (hence the domination of "less than" people in his head, which he felt was the only safe place to be, so he'd lived there a long time).

All in all, he's working SO hard now to eliminate these things from his life, and he's been incredibly dedicated to healing and having a loving life with me. He credits my love as the first real love he's ever seen his whole life, and credits me with saving him.

My questions are: is this something common from abusive backgrounds? I also had emotional abuse, but I had a safety in my grandparents he didn't have. Can these things be healed? Can I help? What kind of disorder is this, if it fits into a category?


Thank you very much!

[Evening]

My advice would be very careful before making the decision to marry him. My abuser was very Jekyll and Hyde, he could be the funniest person you could meet, making promises of all the things he'd do for my mother and me, and go out of his way to help people (once he spent until 2am fixing my aunties car even after they'd gone to bed), or he could have the most DEMONIC anger and scream for half an hour none stop. He was also abused as a child and had nobody.
It sounds as though he has some serious trust issues, that could go a number of ways, including him becoming manipulative or controlling. A lot of abusers do what they do because it gives them the power and control they've never had, they can only 'trust' someone if they manipulate everything the other person does. They can do the whole 'I have nobody, and nobody understands me but you' thing, and then say and do generous things, only to suddenly erupt into anger/abuse. That's to confuse you, so that when you think the anger was wrong, you remember all the 'good' things they did and figure they mustn't be so bad after all, it must be a phase, or an outburst only 'you can understand', so you stick around.
Of course all this may not be the case, but it is a possibility.
If you trust him and want to stay with him, he needs therapy. It could get worse over time, and any mistrust or hatred of himself he has will more than likely be put on you.

[IceCreamKid]

Do you seriously want advice? Here it is. Move out and forget about this man. Find someone mentally healthy and take your next relationship very slowly. Don't rush to move in with anyone and don't rush to get married. Being married to an abusive person is a living hell. It's better to be alone than to be tied to an abuser.

[hippiechick]

Wow!

The man is in therapy, actively working on his problems and has opened up to her about some very painful and troubling issues. Maybe he isn't "healthy" but does that mean that "unhealthy" people don't deserve to be loved or can't offer more good than bad in their relationships?

I don't have the clinical answers to your questions, Riseandconquer, but I do know that being in a relationship with someone who has emotional troubles is a lot of hard work. So is being in a relationship with someone who is untroubled. It's just a question of how hard that work is and how willing you are to do it. I think that you should try and get the answers to your questions and perhaps also try to come to terms with the limits of how much work you're willing to do, how patient you're willing to be and what is the lowest point you're willing to set the bar on the expectations you have of your partner. Once you figure those things out, the next step is making an agreement to yourself to identify when those limits have been stretched to the breaking point and be willing to make some changes. Whether those changes are to yourself, your situation or your expectations is up to you. I just think those are the only things you can actually change. The changes your partner might make are completely out of your control.

If you can live with that and manage your expectations, I think you'll be okay. Sometimes, loving someone takes a certain bravery, doesn't it?

Best wishes to you for a successful and happy outcome.

[jenkins09]

We all have issues of some sort. NO ONE has come from a perfect family.

I was physically and sexually abused as a young boy. I can identify with a lot of what you said your boyfriend is and was going through. I have been in therapy for a little over 3 years and the difference is night and day.

You can have a good relationship with him. YES, he is going to have MAJOR trust issues, that is to be expected given all that he has gone through, but to dismiss him because of that would be tragic.

Here is the good part. You could be a real blessing to him. It is probably because of you that he sought therapy which is awesome. You can help him to heal. You dont need to own his behavior or accept his abuse, but you can help him to heal from his childhood.

I wish you the best and people do come out the other side better. Maybe you can go to one of his sessions sometime? Does he discuss what is going on in therapy?