[Kawai]

Hi, I've been broken up with my girlfriend for almost 2 months now. I went through the emotional grief already...or so I thought, and then suddenly a lot of things came back (feelings of whether or not I did everything I should have, or the right things...and so on).

I broke up with her...but after so many ridiculous issues and putting up with emotional abuse (started bringing the worse out in me)...I couldn't take any more.

So here's my dillema. For some reason I keep thinking about one particular situation back in Oct 2010. This was a long distance relationship, so there was a lot of flying involved (my treat ). Anyway, I had flown in from Denver to Phoenix. Two weeks before she had started a new job at a clinic (she had been out of work for about a year...so she was happy to be working again). I flew in on a Thursday night, the next day she takes me to the clinic to meet the new people she was working with and show me her new work space...I was really happy for her and to see her self esteem lifted.

The week before though, we had an argument (more like a discussion...I remained really calm) because starting on day 2 of her job she kept mentioning "this doctor" who never talks to anyone, but he started talking to her. I listened to similar stories every day about how this doctor was warming up to her and being friendly. Honestly, I didn't think anything of it for 3 days until on day 4 she tells me that she went to the break room to make tea and he wondered in there. They had a short conversation but some how this included her telling him that her aspirations were to become a medical doctor as well (she just graduated medical tech college to be a med asst...has not taken a single college course and is 26 years old. I realise if you don't know her this may not say much, but just the week before she was telling me she wanted to be a psychologist. There's so much more, but I don't think there's enough room to type it all...it's stupid).

For the first time since I've known her, she then tells me that "a friend" invited her to an office dinner next week...in fact, next Thursday, the day I'm supposed to fly into and she's suppose to pick me up. My first thought is, "Who the hell is 'a friend'", and my past experience tells me that "a friend" is normally a guy. So I ask her if she was invited by the head med tech (the lady who was still over seeing my gf trial period and reporting back to her technical school). She simply said "mmmm-mmmm" in that affirmative way. I took this as a way of her not having to lie to me.

At this point I mention that I'm feeling jealous. I said it just like that in a very caring, calm, "I love you"-type voice. Inside I was pissed off, but know that gets me no where, so I decided to be forth coming with her. It really didn't seem to make much difference as she still treated me like the jealous boyfriend. Her reply was..."He's married". I didn't ask, but I wondered, "How did you find that out so soon? Why would you know that so soon?", and "What difference does that make, married doctors cheat all the time with the hired help."

Anyway, I told her that I had no real reason to be jealous, but it sounded like her and this doctor were becoming aquainted a little unusually quick...it was her 4th day on the job. To avoid a real argument I told her it was my problem and that I needed to sort myself out and that I would figure out my emotions that night. I dropped it and never brought it up again.

At this point she tells me that she only said "mmmmm-mmmmm" because she knew I would respond this way. I couldn't figure out why she would do that to me...I felt like I was being set up.

Fast forward to my visit. It's friday the following week (her second week on the job). We get to her job, I shake hands with different people...everyone's nice, and everyone is commenting on the dinner from the night before, so indeed there was an office dinner, and "everyone" attended, no biggie. We get around a corner and she runs up and hugs this doctor (he's about 34-35ish). It's a both arms around the neck hug. I'm honestly shocked and don't know what to say. She introduces me as her boyfriend and the two of us shake hands, but it's awkward.

I act like nothing happend. In fact, I never mention this in fear of how things went the week before when I was honest and concerned and without anger.

I take the car and visit my best friend who I haven't seen in a year (guy friend) while she's working.

She gets off work at noon, so at 11:15am I roll out to pick her up. The roads in Phoenix are constantly changing and I got lost so I was running a few minutes behind. She calls me at a quarter till and I tell her I'm on my way, she's content. At noon she calls me again asking where I am, I tell her I got lost and that I'll be there in 10 min, and I apologize.

She asks, well where did you go? I tell her, and she says, "well I thought you would have gone back to my place. We didn't discuss you going to your friend's house." Okay...I'm 36 years old, she's 25...I'm a grown man, and I was only gone during the hours she was at work. This was my second visit to Phoenix since over a year ago and this was the first time I went to visit him. In fact, the first time I came into town, he picked me up from the airport and dropped me off at her house (since she didn't/doesn't own a car...this was a rental this time around)...and so I felt it would be rude to use him like that...he's like a brother to me (known him for 15 years).

So now she's saying that as a couple we should have discussed this. I was confused. I picked her up, and she's clearly angry with me. We don't talk for about 2 hours. Finally I ask her if we can talk and she tells me that she acted that way because she thought I might take the car and go visit ex-girlfriends.

Okay, so here's my confusion: How could she think this way after she ran up and hugged someone from work she only knew less than 2-weeks...and in front of me after I flew 1000 miles to see her?
Why would she do that, and then flip out about me seeing my best friend?
Why wouldn't she be concerned about the ex-girlfriend thing before hand rather than after everything was said and done and "I didn't go see any ex-girlfriends"?

None of this makes any sense...Thanks

Please understand that I'm fully aware that I should've already moved on...I'm working through this, but I still think about certain situations and wonder if there's anything I could've/should've done different...I don't want to screw up the next relationship.

[Soul Quake]

My guess is that she started questioning the relationship, and meeting this doctor was either when the doubt began, or it just exacerbated what was already beginning. She probably liked the new found attention, especially in receiving that which was given to her alone.

As for her jealousy regarding your friend and ex-girlfriends...that's her insecurity coming into the picture. She might have been afraid that not only she was uncertain, but maybe you were as well, and the knee-jerk reaction was to become suspicious without reason.

Conjecture isn't really worth much. The only important thing to know is that she was inconsistent, controlling, and hypocritical. Not at all worth your time.

[impulse]

The way I clear my head, yes something if we're breathing we all go through.

Find some time and space where I can just "observe" the mind chatter as it arises. Accept it for what it is, emotionally connect and experience whatever feelings are involved. Just sit with them and feel them fully.

Then I pick out something in the here and now. Get out of my head and go do it!
Give it my full attention. Interestingly, those thoughts and emotions might arise again. Rinse and repeat. Eventually they subside.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Kawai

Hi, I've been broken up with my girlfriend for almost 2 months now.

Nothing in your past relationships are germane to your current/future life except what you thought and felt (since it's your life). No way your ex-girlfriend's words or behavior can be analyzed without her being part of the conversation. Who knows why she said/did whatever the way she did? Only she does.

There is no "should" about length of time to move on. It is okay to remember and wonder about situations but not very helpful when you find yourself doing so; I would shift your focus when you find yourself wondering about past relationship(s) since you can only do things differently based on your own behaviors.

It's never "neat" when one person in a relationship finds/starts seeing another person; they don't know how to make the transition easy for themselves or the old partner. It's not like a job where you can turn in a letter giving two weeks notice, they throw you a party and wish you well, and off you go into your future life.

You miss her quirky little self; you were emotionally "invested" in her and it takes time to reclaim that part of you you gave her so you can move on; that's what grief/loss is. However you work on reclaiming, whether trying to figure her out or concentrating on other things in your life now or moving toward new things, it is all right, it is your way and there is no "best" way, just your way. I'm sorry she treated you this way, she does not sound very mature to me (and, given her age, is not all that experienced). But her words and behaviors are hers and in no way your fault! You couldn't have done anything differently and you'll never meet another woman like her; we're all individuals :-) From your description, it sounds like you did the best you could and I don't see anything I would have changed.

The only thing I, myself, would have done differently is not to have had a long-distance relationship or expected much to have come from one since the odds/percentage of time with the other person is not great enough to make them work very often, in my opinion.

[Kawai]

Originally Posted by Perna

The only thing I, myself, would have done differently is not to have had a long-distance relationship or expected much to have come from one since the odds/percentage of time with the other person is not great enough to make them work very often, in my opinion.

Thank you Perna. The only reason I ventured into this relationship is because I had known her for 4 years (almost 5) and we use to live in the same city not long ago. She contacted me on Facebook once I left and we began discussing thing neither one of us realized the other had in common.

Ultimately...this scenario along with a few others in a very short time frame painted the truth of who she was. During the year and half that we did not have contact, she had divorced and then turned to drugs (Ecstasy) and the Rave lifestyle...both of which she never struck me as. When we reconnected, she was done with both, so I was none the wiser...in my mind it was as if nothing changed.

It wasn't until we had gotten deep into the relationship that I realized she was not who she claimed to be. While she never appeared to lie to me or cheat on me, she did play a lot of emotional manipulation games to try to make me jealous.

I'm sure she was still trying to recover from her divorce and childhood problems. I recently spoke to my ex-wife (we're actually good friends). We divorced 7 years ago and she told me that it took her 2 years to stop obsessing over our relationship, but up until a year ago she simply wanted to hurt every man she dated. Now my ex-wife is depressed and lonely.

I realize this woman's problems are not mine to deal with. When we broke up, the final straw was that I had asked about her when we could sit down and discuss our long-term plans as far as moving in together. At this point, she had already said she wanted to move here and wanted to have children with me, so it didn't seem so far fetched.

Apparently my timing for that question was off. I recieved a text & phone lashing about how selfish I was and that I was giving her what she needed. I asked her what she meant...she simply said "good night". She ignored me the entire next day as I sent text messages telling her that I'm here for her and would discuss whatever the problem was.

We spoke that next evening for 5min and her voice/personality was very flat. I almost feel like I was talking to a cardboard cutout. We exchanged I love you's and I told her I would call before going to bed. That was the last I heard from her as she turned her phone off. I left a message breaking up with her...so no, there was no adult break-up or mature detachment.

I've never tried to contact her as my pride is simply too strong, but being human, I've tried to figure out if she had a personality disorder or if the previous use of Ecstasy depleted her Seratonin. I only say this because when we reconnected after 18 mos I recall thinking that she didn't smile much...not at all in any photos, and she wasn't the vibrant person she once was. I summed it up to life circumstances and pressed on.

She also suffers bouts of depression, I had to constantly tell her she was doing well and moving forward, she was having jaw clenching problems, and anxiety attacks (even at her new job). I read up on Ecstasy use and there are people posting that they have these issues even years after sessation from the drug, plus various psychosis similar to PDs. These people were once very happy and normal.

Anyway. I've read all the posts to this point and I appreciate everyone's input so far and advice. I'm doing far better today than 3 weeks ago. I guess my curious mind always needs answers and I've finally ran into something in life where I may never get "the answer". I have to be alright with that.

Further input is always welcome.