[Elana05]

Something in my relationship has changed and I feel so let down and stressed. It is not a very outward or noticeable thing but I sense it very strongly. My partner is pulling away from me and as a response I am doing the same. I feel the utter need to protect myself and truly feel like running away.

Because of past trauma, I am unable to sleep in the same bed as my partner. I simply can NOT fall asleep and will remain awake staring at the ceiling until 4 am. It has been this way for three years (as long as we have been together). Over and over again I try, with different attempts at noise machines, earplugs or over the counter medicines or herbal remedies (I have sort of a fear of the pharmaceuticals). But nothing works. Over and over I believe the next thing is sure to help but over and over I have to get up at 2 am and retreat to the couch or somehwere else. Or do what I often do which is to shut myself into another bedroom for the night. For three years this has been very stressful for my parter who feels triggered into thinking I am leaving as a form of dislike or rejection. We have talked about it and on the surface she always says "it's OK." I suppose we just each have our triggers to deal with but I am always left feeling that it is my fault. If only I were normal and could fall asleep like a normal person.

And now I suspect my partner has had it. I have commented that we don't have any romantic time together anymore. I feel my partner moving away from me. At first I would say things like, "is it me? Is there anything I can do? Don't you miss having romantic evenings?" But my parnter has said this has felt like pressure. Now I don't want to say anything anymore. I just want to pull away. It is the only safe bet. I feel like I have ruined everything. I try to tell myself not to be so co-dependant, try to get on with my life and making new friends and working on myself. But at night like this I begin to feel lonely.

We are, I have to add, already in couples therapy. It is helping. But I don't know. I simply hope we make some connection again. I can't help but to keep beating myself up.

[sarek]

I know what this must feel like for your partner. Sleeping in each others arms and waking up in the morning lying next to the one you love is gold. And every time I get that rare chance, it is the best moment of my day. I savour every precious second with her, but this is the best part. I am not saying that everyone feels that way, but I know that I do.

I wish I had an answer for you. My gf has many issues that cause similar problems. And while we are long-distance as yet I feel this will become a big issue later on.

Intellectually I know that its her issues that are doing it. But my emotions tell me a different story and its almost impossible to overcome one's emotions. So I keep saying 'its ok' too, while both of us know its not ok.
Your mind tells you its not meant as a rejection, but your subconscious says that it is, and that is so much more powerful.

I think sooner or later you will have to figure out how to face up to and deal with the root of the problem. Whatever traumatic experience it is that is causing these problems. But I can imagine that you are reluctant, because the thought of ever seeing my gf go through that process petrifies me.

[PleaseHelp]

I don;t know if this will help, but this is something we do at my house. I go to bed earlier than my bf. So when I'm ready to go to bed, he comes in lays next to me and we talk for awhile. Then he says good night and goes plays computer games or whatever. I go to sleep (with the dog next to me ) Then when he is ready for bed he comes up and goes to bed. Sometimes I feel him get into bed, sometimes I don't. He doesn't like to be cuddled during sleep, so we stay on our own sides of the bed. in the morning when the alarm goes off, I get one snooze to cuddle up against him before I get up for the day. Just a suggestion.

And I agree with Sarek, sooner or later you'll have to figure out what the traumatic experience was and work on it - so NOT an easy task. I wish you luck.