not sure how to make things better

my boyfriend of 6 months and i had a very intense romantic beginning. and then of course reality set in. he wasnt so long out of a 10 year relationship (less than a year). at some point i saw signs of him not being over it - photos of her still up in his house, the way he would talk about her, etc. and he told me during the holidays he wanted to spend thanksgiving with her and her kids, of course he retracted this after seeing my reaction. at that point i told him hey i've been through it so i understand but im backing off. we'd planned a trip together before that and though i had mixed feelings bout going, i wanted to. the night before we left the country, the ex showed up and was so surprised i was there she threw a tantrum. i'm going to assume she didn't know about me. i told my bf that i shouldn't go on this trip, but i really want to go on vacation and we can talk afterwards. let's just go have fun. and i was able to, but during the trip, i really backed off a lot. to a point that hurt him. so we finally talked and i said i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't available. and you aren't. so i broke up with him and left to go home early. he freaked out and was kissing my *** for a few weeks. i said ok i would like to keep it open, and i just need some space to deal with my life and figure some things out too. and i was being kind of cold and overwhelmed by his need to convince me otherwise. i finally gave in probably right before he was ready to give up. now he is what feels like having his revenge. but i don't know if that's what it is, or if he just doesn't want to do this anymore. like my coldness made him back off so much he finally got what he was trying for and now doesn't know if he wants it. i'm not sure what the best way is to behave towards him. my kneejerk reaction is to say forget it! and run out. but i really want to try it out if i we can get to a cleaner slate. i just didnt' believe that he was over his ex even though he was saying he was. and i wanted to save myself the heartbreak...

Are you sure that he is NOW? Are the p ictures of the ex down at his place? Does she stilll show up whenever she feels like it? Where does she stand in his life? Cause if nothing has changed there, then nothing has changed - get my drift? A guy who has been in a 10 yr relationship isn't going to change very quickly. I'd be a little leery of it, and probably trust my knee jerk reaction.
Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck. God bless. Hugs, Lee

So, your heart is telling you to let him go, but your head is telling you that it might work and to give it more time?

Your intuition says it won't work.

Your ego says it might.

Your ego can lie to you and often does.

Your intuition always speaks the truth to you.

Always.

well, yes he did take all the pictures down and went really out of his way to be nice to me even when i told him i needed space and didn't know if this was something i wanted. i broke things off and he convinced me to try again. but it was almost like the reaction he had was so extreme that i didn't believe all of it. maybe it's less about me and more about him being left with no one? now that we've been seeing eachother again, he's the one being very distant. i don't think he's been seeing the ex, but i'm sure it's because she's angry and i don't know if it's permanent. i sent him a note saying i'd like to be able to start fresh and i wont be a jerk anymore but i need to be convinced that there isn't a part of him that's holding out hoping to get back with his ex. and for me that's the bottom line. i want to trust what he says and hope that he is able to tell me the truth w/o being extreme and over the top. i know it takes time to get over long relationships. i've been divorced too. there's a part of me that just doesn't buy it.

i mean, i think i'm a pretty open person. i'm friends with my ex of 10 years, but it's a real friendship where we talk about dating and life very openly and i really want him to find someone to be happy with. we split up over 6 years ago. with my new bf and his ex - i feel like they're not friends the same way. even if it's platonic, there's some other expectations happening there and she wants to get back together very much.

i do believe that he made efforts to start putting things in the past - like taking all the photos down, throwing stuff away, etc. i don't know for a fact that he hasn't been in touch with her. but his reaction was so extreme that it was hard to believe that it was true. like it felt like ok now suddenly he wants a future together, suddenly i'm the only one for him blabhlahblah, when i know what it's like coming out of a long relationship. i wished that he was more real with me about it.

i accept my responsibility for being a jerk, but i didn't think or want to stay together until i changed my mind at the end. i'm still not 100% on board, but i am open to try. he said he wanted to get back with me, but i'm thinking he's changing his mind because it's been too much work. but i think that w/o me leaving, he wouldn't even be dealing with putting his past to rest.

do you think is a not worth the energy, like it's a losing situation? i really fear investing myself in something that is stamped for failure. its almost like i'd rather run out and be on my own than be in something this messed up so early on. but i get sucked in because i fell in love, we have fun together, etc.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much uncertainly about what to do.

It's no fun to feel like you are fighting a battle inside you own mind, with you arguing both for and against something at the same time.

As I re-read what you've said here, I can't help but noticing that you've already told yourself, many times in fact, what you really want to do. It just seems that you aren't ready to trust in your choices or believe in yourself yet.

I wish you certainty and happiness!
Dan

I'm sorry you're going through this. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he is over her. You said he went to spend Thanksgiving with her and HER kids. They aren't their kids? I would totally understand if the kids were between the two of them, but if not, I don't trust that either.

I especially don't like that she was surprised to see you. If he was serious and just wanted to be friends with her, he would have talked about you. The fact that she didn't even know sounds like, to me, he's trying to work his way back with her. If they were really DONE, he would be open about a relationship (I would hope).

I actually left my ex bc of a situation just like this. He was still friends with his ex and they had dated for like 3 years. He lied to me about going to her house. He would hide texts and kept a pic of them kissing in his dresser drawer. He did throw away the pic and even introduced us (still hated her guts) so I would know that she KNEW about me. But I just couldn't do it. People say they're okay with their SO being friends with exes but, personally, I cannot do it. And luckily my bf feels the same way.

Now I am friends with exes whom I haven't seen in years. They are with another person and so am I. And it's hardly a friendship. More like an acquaintance. But less than a year apart after a 10 year relationship....there's no way those feelings are done. I'm sorry but I would probably get out.