[jennalynne]

I don't know if it is me, or if it is just a guy thing, so any help from a guy's point of view would be helpful. My boyfriend of almost 3 years is totally addicted to porn! If your girlfriend was in bed would'nt most guys want the real thing over some stupid computer screen! I just don't get it! I am 5'6'' 130lbs red hair blue eyes God damn I could be a porn star! WHY DOES HE CHOOSE THEM OVER ME????? It is the most insulting and DEGRADING feeling to me. I put up a really great front on being little miss happy sunshine but I am compleatly dying inside. I don't want to sound conceided (cause trust me all my self-esteem has gone down the drain) but i am not some wreched looking girl who does nothing but sit around all day I do everything for him that I can to keep him happy. Please someone out there answer me WHY!!.........

[whereislife]

Know exactally how you feel. It amazes me how we can allow men to determine our self worth. I just don't know how to make the bad stuff (in your case the porn) go away and keep the good things.
No ideas for you here, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone!!!

[poison]

hey jennalynne....well, i'm a guy, but not your typical guy because i can't c myself doing that!!

why does he do that tho? i'm not sure when you said "he chosses them over me" what do u mean? (i don't mean to be arrogant)....ie: you're both in the mood, but he chooses the tv? or after you both (u know) he's still horny?

from what i can tell (and how you say u could be a porn queen) being a guy....I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!

....if you haven't told him though how u feel yet, it might be a good idea???

PS...not all guys are like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really hope you know that too though!!!!!!

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."
-Paul Tournier

"While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior."
-Henry C. Link

[neo111]

Hi
I had the problem as you are describing once. I loved porn and my g/f went nuts over it. We set off for relationship counciling to get it resolved. To her surprise, my g/f was who the women centered on and not me. The advise to her was to stop focusing on it as a problem and instead see it as an opportunity to learn more about each other. Jay, my g/f did exactly that. She sat with me and we looked at the porn together. She pointed out the stuff she hated, the funny stuff, the yukky but interesting stuff and on and on. Our sex life went through the roof and our relationship improved incredibly. I no longer viewed her as a stuck up prude old cow and began to see her as funny, intelligent and sensitive. She began to understand that guys get off on what they see as opposed to what they feel. It was great! Try it. As for the guy trying to take away your self esteem. I think that you are giving it up rather than having it taken from you.
Just some thoughts. Hope it helps

[DocJohn]

This is not the first time I've heard of this happening, so it must be a pretty common thing that is happening to a lot of couples. It is strange, but I think there's an easy explanation for it.

What we have right now is known. I'm in a relationship with Ms. Z and I know everything about Ms. Z. If I've explored her personality, we've been intimate for years, etc. etc., there's little left to the imagination or that remains unknown. That's how, I think, a lot of and maybe most guys feel after a time in a relationship.

But when it comes to the movies, or pornography, or other escapes like that (books, etc.), it can be more interesting and exciting because the person is fantasizing and imagining what things might be like with that other person, in some other environment or world. There's no worrying about the daily concerns of a relationship, or really, of worrying about the other person as another human, feeling adult.

Fantasizing and imagination, in the right context under the right conditions, are wonderful, super things to do and be able to do in our lives. But when we choose fantasy over reality, that's when there's a sure sign of trouble. As in your situation. Your boyfriend would rather prefer fantasizing with other women than the real woman in the bed right now. That's probably or could be a symptom of something wrong in the relationship, whether it's not communicating very well, or something.

But it should be a wake-up call or a sign to you that maybe this guy isn't worth your time any longer. Or, if he is, that he'd better get his act together and you two need to talk about this and how badly his behavior makes you feel.

Good luck!
DocJohn

[Camelot]

Some other things to consider is that some people self-medicate with sex/ pornography. Additionally, sex offenders/ sexual predators as a group are more likely to "be addicted to porn."

[joepuccini]

I'm a guy who is not addicted to porn, though i can't say what is clinically considered an addiction. I would say that if he prefers looking at porn on a computer screen, as opposed to the real thing, if you know what i mean, he might be addicted. Maybe you could discuss this with your therapist and see if he/she has a solution. If the problem persists and is degrading your mental health i would say find a new guy. I know I prefer the real thing.

[joepuccini]

I would add that in regard to porn, sometimes a girlfriend and i would watch a little porn as a prelude to foreplay and coitus. She enjoyed it as much as me. The plot lines are superb (just kidding).

[jennalynne]

Thank you everyone for you info and advice! It means alot to have people to talk to. I guess my problem is that I hate the fact that he even looks at these girls. On 2 nights a week I work till 10pm and he gets home @ 6pm so I know he is online "doing what it is that he does" so when I get home and he tries to be affectionate I can't even think about it cause all I have in my head is that he just got off looking at these girls. He does love me very much I know that, I just can't take it anymore my nerves are shot! I can't confront him on it I just would'nt know what to say.
I have also found out that he is in chat rooms which is even worse cause those are real live girls he is talking to not just some pictures. I just don't know what to do anymore. When I first found out about all this I was phisically sick for a couple of months, I lost about 7lbs. I think I have just become numb to the whole thing but I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life