[Pete]

I'm having a hard time being objective about my mother's communications. I got a letter from Mom today. She seems to be doublespeaking and I can't figure this out. What is she telling me? What do her words and phrasing tell you about her/me? Here's a nutshell for you:

She was emotionally hurtful to me in my childhood, being very controlling, and I've learned to distance myself from her to avoid her imposed guilty feelings. I've tried in the past to be more open to her, but she hurts me every time by cruelly twisting my words in response. It's not worth it to me to remain in her company, and I rarely initiate conversation in any form. I do love her, and although I have forgiven her for the hurt she has caused, I just can't forget it. If it helps, I can paint in a little more information:

I'm 35 and she's 54. I'm in Texas and she's in California. She's still a Christian Scientist and I've renounced that faith in favor of an individual sense of spirituality. We'd been through three divorces together before I was 10, and she went through one with my younger brother without me. I've been married almost ten years to my first & only wife. I'm trying hard to keep from over-disciplining my 4-year-old daughter, but it's a constant battle for mental and emotional restraint. Mom was very effective at guilt-tripping, and I catch myself doing that sometimes to Zoe. Anyway,...

I don't know if you answer these kinds of queries, but thanks for listening. It's good to say these things "out loud" regardless of the result.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Pete (Letter follows)

Dear, dear Pete,

It occurred to me to let you know that I am mentally, spiritually striving for not just the sense of human forgiveness (for only God, good and truly forgive) but for the strength to grow towards a renewal of affections. I daily ask to be shown the tools of renewal that I may identify them and use them. It takes great moral courage not to bring the gloom of the erroneous past into the bright goodness of today. It has helped me to think spiritually of God, good as your true and only Mother, that makes you Her good son and frees you from my mortal mistakes.
But I take the responsibility for my part.
I hope something I have written you today will help the renewal of affections.

Love loves you, and I love you, kiss your babies and dear wife for me,
Cheryl (mom, not Mother)

[curlyq]

Hi Pete,
I, too, am very familiar with guilt feelings that have sent me running away from my parents. Then they make up reasons they think I stay away and they are wrong in that reasoning. Mine really hate it when I bring up things from the past even if I do it as tactfully if I can. Maybe they are full of guilt feelings, too, I'm guessing. Mine also think it is not my place to ever question anything about them or many things. I think that is ridiculous. I believe it comes from their religious indoctrination that the "child" should never question the parent. I have struggled with this for so many years and the pain of never being heard. Them refusing to hear. Been ignored forever for questioning them or telling them my feelings. I know that it hurts from my experience.

My parents actually think just because they are the parents that always makes them right! That has made me practically beat my head against the wall (not literally-well, maybe once!).
I think that many times beliefs such as the "child" should be seen and not heard get in the way of relationships between the parent and child. I think mine firmly believe that.

From your mom's letter I think she is trying to convey her love and how she wants the two of you to have affection again. I'm not sure but she seems to be trying to cultivate forgiveness somehow. She seems to want to grow and is trying to find out how to. It also appears she does not want to either bring up the past mistakes of her own or yours. She says she takes responsibility for hers.

Maybe she wants to be closer to you and forgive and forget the past? But she also wants to do it on her terms and I can see the control factor there.

I think that if she wants to grow as she says she does then she needs to be able to accept that you may have things to say about how you feel, too.

A few weeks ago I told my dad that when he kept telling me something over and over and over I felt guilty and then more so as he kept repeating it. He totally misunderstood my point and told me that when people say things to me I should always just say "okay, that's nice." I felt that was telling me not to tell him my feelings or ideas on anything and just to agree with all he says. I think, too, it stems from his beliefs and his need to be in control, too.

Can you see the similarities? I relate a lot to your concerns. Hope to hear more from you.


<font color=purple>"Shared joy is double joy; Shared sorrow is half-sorrow." Swedish Proverb</font color=purple>

[splash]

hi Pete,

i just want to state a couple opinions. first, i applaud you for recognizing that the way your mother raised you -- heavy handed? -- is not the way you want to raise your daughter. i have a just-turned-five-year-old nephew, so i know how they seem to pick up everything that's said and done. also, if you and your wife have agreed to discipline your daughter consistently and fairly, and you both stick to that plan, then it might be easier to remember not to over do it if that's not part of the plan.

regarding the letter from your mom: well, it sounds to me like she's apologizing. at one time in my life, i belonged to a spiritual group that had some members talking and writing in the same style as your mom is displaying. it also sounds like she wants you and her to have a closer relationship. because she's writing all "flowery," it may be hard to see. has she always written this way? has she been a Christian Scientist for a long time?

maybe your mom has a hard time directly stating what she is feeling. maybe she's afraid of the outcome, that you won't forgive her or want to be close to her again. sometimes people, as they get older, and more spiritual, feel the need to renew ties. maybe something's happened that has given her new insight into the past.

if she were to write more direct, the letter might sound like this:

Dear Pete,
Please forgive me. I know God forgives. I would like us to be close again, but I don't know how to do that. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I'd like us to start over. It helps me to think of God as your real "Mother" so that you, as "Her son," will not make the same mistakes as I. But, I want you to know that I feel responsible if you do (make those same mistakes).
I hope that this letter helps bring us closer.
I love you, kiss your babies and dear wife for me.
Love,
Mom


Pete, is it your mom who wants to be called "Mom" and not "Mother" or do you insist on calling her "Mom?" just wondering...

i hope this makes sense and helps. write back and let us know how you're doing.

take care,

splash

[Camelot]

First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your marriage, child and your strength in trying to parent differently than the manner in which you were parented. It takes a VERY strong person to not mimic what was modeled by parents/ caretakers. It takes a VERY strong person to remain married for a decade, and it takes an incredibly strong person to find a partner after you observed three of your mother's marriages end in divorce. I know plenty of people who would pay to inherit your strength and will to change "the only way I've known."

If your mother divorced three times, does that say something about her decision-making? Is your mother modeling the same behavior she learned from her parent(s)/ caretaker(s)? Did she "grow up in" a different generation when kids were expected to obey, no matter what? DId she "grow up" during a time when parents were more likely to mention what kids didn't do "right?"

A lot of children don't like the way they were parented. The problem is, many of these children will "grow up" to parent exactly as their parents. Many children become angry with their parents, separate and then learn forgiveness...after the children better learn to protect themselves and "get their needs met."

Some people consider Christian Scientists as a cult which blocks independent thinking. Cults "love bomb" people, give those people PLENTY of homework to occupy their minds and then teach them to obey (without question). Has your mother learned to obey and stop questioning? Does she expect you to do the same?

What would you say to another guy who told you this same information about his mother? Pretend you know a 35 year old guy who said his mother was behaving in this way, and his mother hurt him during his childhood; what would you say to him?

Could you approach your mother, shake her hand, and say "Hi. I'm Pete. I'm 35 years old. I am an adult with a wife and daughter. I would like to get to begin as if we were strangers, and we just met today. In order for me to do that, I need to begin anew. When you say something, I may need to stop and think about my response. I may need to tell you if it feels hurtful. We may need to talk about things more. I would appreciate if your response wasn't angry, and I won't react as if I am a child. I am an adult now, and I have a right to tell you things which make me feel bad. Old rules and ways may change. If that's okay with you, we could start today to try and find a way to communicate which allows me to feel okay and for you to feel okay. Would you like to try?"

Other alternative: Send yourself a letter to yourself from your mom. Say all the things you would like to hear your mom say to you. Pretend that's your real mother, or send her a copy.

...just some ideas