TRIGGER warning/Wolf

Wolfsong.......the dearest darling heart.....this is going to sound brutal, but you know I do not mean it to......

What is your legacy to yourself? What is your legacy to your children?

In your heart of hearts.....you are protecting at the COST OF YOURSELF......your safety, your spirit, your very loving soul.....

This is not the legacy for your children. There is a difference between sacrifice and self destruction. DO NOT destroy yourself to protect your children or your husband. If your children found out, and they inevitably will, it will hurt them, what was and is done to you, beyond measure. Everything that they have achieved at the cost of their mother will mean NOTHING if they knew how much you suffer.

I am not judging your husband or you or your decisions. If he threatens you and plays his misplaced and inflated ego to overpower you, walk away. You may leave with nothing, and you may leave with something. KNOW that you have the power "to cease and desist" and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be, for the consequences of staying are much greater than walking away.

You are a brave and caring person who needs to take the power back. How you do that will be filled with danger and fear and trepidation.......but at the end of dangerous terrain, there is FREEDOM and most importantly of all......

SANCTITY of your very precious spirit.......NO man or woman can ever take that away from you.

Be safe, approach with water, fluid and without anger, but be like rock,

bend and sway like the leaves but stand like the sturdy trunk.......

You have the power........I guarantee it.

You are loved beyond measure......

Michah

Hell yeah, Michah! and we've got your back...as much as we possibly can Wolf.

I just don't know where to go.I would have to leave in my truck and camper.or, what ever I do i need to ring a lawyer.I am working on it.I am.I really do appreciate everyones support.I just dont want to injure anyone.I am working on it.~W~

(((Wolfsong))) do whatever you need to do on YOUR time schedule, not OURS.

• There are women's shelters you can go to.
• A lot of lawyers will give you a free consultation, and they give you a lot of information in those sessions.
• If you look online for a mental health hotline or a rape hotline, you might be able to get some answers from one of those places from there as well on what you can do to protect yourself
• You need to feel safe.

Please don't feel pressured by us - i think we all just want to help so badly and stop you from hurting.

Wolfsong...first and foremost, I send and ask for you courage, strength, and a clear focus. Jadedmoonbeam suggested women's shelters...it's a very good option, and would contribute to adding more options for you at this point. Most good shelters have counselors and case managers that will be loaded with resources. Consider that this option may do more to address safety(your safety)and give you some space to consider the next step. If you chose to seek a shelter...also ask yourself is there anything you might take with you...in other words...any documents, any legal things...or other items you want to keep close, that would be hard to replace. And I don't mean to make this complicated...heck, just get up and go if need be....NOW! There may be some point where you would be able to return to retrive all your belongings...and with protection to do so...but going to a shelter is a first step.
I'm suggesting some of this because in the interium you will not have access to your belongings...and only you can gage his emotional stability in regards to your leaving(if that's possible to predict). Dang, just saying if you have space and time...PYA!
Didn't read everyones post here, but was thinking that your son in college surely has some inkling that things aren't right in your life...but I would assume he would want you to be safe, unconditionally, and then find you thriving in a good situation. He will be ok...especially if he knows you're ok.
I see this alot, so I will just say a little...so many women will find the courage to remove themselves from an abusive situation...only to return, wanting to believe the relationship has changed for the better...be very careful with that.
Well, everyone is sending you good energy, trying to add light...jadedmoon, good advice! It's hard to think when everything seems heavy...consider this path...do what is good for you, and either directly or indirectly it will be good for those who truely love you. Many Blessings!

(((((((((((((((Thank you....all of you)))))))))))~W~

I totally understand not wanting to injure anyone but I wonder about the injury being done to you.

I trust that you are doing what you can right now so I am not going to offer any kind of suggestions. You have likely heard them all and are doing what you need to or what you can right now.

I know I am not right there with you but perhaps I should come kidnap you one of these days and take you out for coffee or drinks or something, anything to remind you that there are still decent humans in the world

My thoughts are with you

Dearest Wolf.......

No more push or pull on self. The answers will come. Look within.......and breathe......

Know that you are safe within the danger.

A little story for you.........to breathe to.

"His Spear Against His Shield

A man of the state of Chu had a spear and a shield for sale. He was loud in praises of his shield.
"My shield is so strong that nothing can pierce it through."
He also sang praises of his spear.
"My spear is so strong that it can pierce through anything."
"What would happen," he was asked, "if your spear is used to pierce your shield?"
It is impossible for an impenetrable shield to coexist with a spear that finds nothing impenetrable."


產生 (to yield)
是強的 (To be strong)
All things in duality…..be like the force of water in the rapids, but yield to the rocks……and a destination will be reached, in safety.

No time, no pressure, no finality.........only love for self and all else will follow.

Do without doing and everything gets done......


Michah

Michah....whisperings of wisdom.....as always.....Thank you so much...Wolf

Hello Dear Wolf,
I have only just scanned what has been written since last post but there is a world of support here!
Your youngest son cannot fail to be aware of the trauma you are suffering; lacking detail no doubt, but no doubt aware. Saving yourself from this monstrous abuse will send messages of courage and determination to him.
You say you haven't earnt the money... but you have! Who has facilitated the family life, who has made sacrifice after sacrifice of personal respect and nurture so that your cohabitant does not "upset the apple cart" for your kids?
Why must you carry the entire weight of mitigating his broken-ness or incompleteness?
Do not doubt your value, do not deny the trembling power of your soul to stand firm.
A bully, who is a coward, will never have the strength to stand against real strength; and this you have, inside. Be the poet, the sculptress, the loving and protective mother, the mystic, the seeker; all these things are you, with or without Him.
I like what Micah said.. You do have a safe place in this, and the place is you!
Solutions come in time...your awareness has built slowly; trust your intuition..
"And to Believe" was not just about being in love... it was mostly about being truly ALIVE.

(((((((((((((((((Wolfie)))))))))))))))

i am sorry you live like this wolfy,its a very hard situation. how long have you been married.and how long has this gone on? since your children were born,and now off to college? that is a looong time. if he is violent,controlling,whatever,if you fear then find a womans abuse shelter. search for them online to see if any are near you. make sure.. that you deleate your browser history when u finish.if he checks your computer he will know u are up to something. to often the men in our lives,the man who is supposed to love and cherish us has a whole different outlook on our personal space and boundaries than we do.believe me, i know, i have posted my own story here in the same forum. stay calm. if you are on the bank account you can request your own card. have it mailed to a friends or ask to pick it up at the bank. if you have checks,write your self a check as long as its a joint account he is powerless to stop you or do anything if you take money and leave. pack an over night bag with what you need, birth certs,medication,clothing,personals,any cards or paper items. note book with phone numbers and addresses.then keep it some place other than your house. at a friends,at work,rent a locker at a train station where ever,so long as u can get to it when u need it. then plan your escape carefully. if you are going into shelter then tell him you are going to the store. do it at a time u normally would. if you have a vehicle make sure its in your name. you can change your name at the dmv as long as you sign a paper stating you are not going to defraud anyone by doing so. leave state ,take what u need out of the bank then set up residency far away,chnge your name at the courts(simple process) dont tell anyone,not even your son. if u have a cell phone with a company with a monthy bill.. leave it. by a pre paid one,dont give out the number to anyone but the shelter if they need it. not ur son,not friends ,no one. believe me. if you are afraid ,and know that even the man who is just controlling has a good chance of taking that next step.battery comes in many forms wolfy,not just a blow. be safe. No does mean NO and if he doesnt respect No when u are hurting and healing,he never will. rape is rape.

I haven't replied in proper for a bit.I have been just struggling really.I mean trying to figure out what to do.I tried three times to send a thread on why I can't go.I am so scared I can't make it.I think he is right.I am not stable in my head.My emotions swim in swirls of color all in an hour.I am afraid.I know after the overdose I was supposed to be left in a nursing home.I know I can't find my car in the parking lot a good few times.Once I walked all around the parking lot ...the size parking lot of a grocery store.....for like 20 minutes.I couldn't find it.I walked home...it was dusk...and I felt like such a target.I was looking for the wrong car.I hadn't brought my green bug,I drove the silver crown vic.Same happened at the mall....god that one was bad.took a couple hours to get home.
What I was trying to post last night was erased and redone and erased like 4 times.I realized the stress was making my head swarm.Yesterday I could make no sense out of anything at all.ugghhh.

*JULIA-that has been a reason for me too.I have a schizophrenic son ,a son with crohnes,and one in college...that one recovered from MS symptoms.I think it's why I stayed through so much.((((((For your heart Julia....a hug))))

*mgran-Thank you for your prayers.Can't get enough of them I think.Don't feel there's anything anyone needs to do.Sometimes we just need to vent things out.I honestly cannot call the police.It'd create a whirlwind of consequences.He isn't punching me.It would kill my son.He is the only one to go to college.What ever I do,for his sake...it has to be on good terms.

*Hippiebea-I miss you too.((((Thank you for saying that))))I am usually afraid to go in chat.But I get brave now and then.Seems like there are mostly alot of new people who I don't know.It is a joint account.But,I am thinking he could change that easily.I'd rather use that option for a flat tire or emergency necessities if I should need to.That'd keep that option open.I appreciate that you offered to be there to listen if I need that.Very much.I had a tearful talk with him last night.He looked serious.He asked me why I was answering in such short replies.I started crying.I said,What? you don't remember what you did?He said,No ...what do you mean?I said I kept telling you no,and pulling my pants up and you did it anyway.I said,then I told you about it,and you replied,"Didn't you get off?" He doesnt remember that either????? And the "oops" thing?So he was like...."I am a man,I want to share my body with you" "You are my wife,I am attracted to you ,I can't help it."Even if that was all true...I just have stuff swarming in my head.Like all the years he told the boys to shut up cause he was working or watching tv...or what he's done to animals.Or him attacking the boys.Or just all of it.Something died in me after this last hospitalization.I feel badly for him.I just am reminded daily by him not HEARING ME........him always being too busy to hear my son.All the stuff he did while I was struggling to save my middle child.....beating the F outta him.He said well I didnt want to believe my son had schizophrenia.I said so beat him?Tell him it was drugs?Do you know what happened to him in jail and in prison?Why? because you can't be bothered(and you know schiz is on HIS side of the family)?Because you were in foster homes as a boy?You know what my life was...foster homes are castles ......I slept in laundromats at 13,under bushes,in condemned bldgs.,Do I excuse my behavior?No,not one dirty look do I allow an excuse for.Him hitting Vegas while I was in the hospital....FINE...it was schedualed...but not 1 phonecall?The hospital paid a taxi home for a 1 & 1/2 hr ride.The time my mum was dying,I came home to 14-20 dead society finches in their cage deprived of water.....all of them suffered and died horrific deaths.Sorry I am sooo ranting.I need to answer the others.I really am sorry to vent so bad.~W~

*Scarred poet,Yes,the same man I have been with since 1989.Such wisdom...."and your loved ones will interpret theirs from your courage".....Thank you for having a heart against this sort of thing.

*Lynn,I have NO family.My brother has his own life.My son is rooming with young men out of state(The oldest)....I can sleep in the camper locked.Or sleep when he is at work.He'd quickly ***** about counseling and I would feel like it wasn't going anywhere.I have tried it.Thank you for replying.I really appreciate it.~W~

*Vertebrae,I won't C,sui...I think it's mean because it leaves others in the shadows and to ponder the same thing.I am looking at options.I just have this dread that I will be harmed,or homeless,or not here if my middle one gets out of prison...all these fears.

*Bebop,I am incapable of thinking that way even when the thought seeps in ,maybe she's right.I have a huge aversion to hurting men...I saw it happen to my uncle...I see men hurt in divorces by women all the time.I know you are right,but I just can't take more than the barest minimum.

*Thank you Michah,I swear your voice comes out of the heavens lol...I think you are right.I also know I had better really do this right.I just need to figure out the right way.

*J.Moonbeam,thank you I really appreciate that.

*Full metal....Those are essential points for me to come back to.I have to admit...sitting here replying ...with all the fear in me of what's the right thing to do....I can't help but think of how GD frustrating it was to see my mum hurt for so many years and she never left.Not till he died.It frustrated the hell out of me.She must have been so ashamed to not have the guts or whatever it takes,I sure do.I feel like I am moaning and doing nothing.I should stop moaning.I just feel really sorry for drawing other people in to any of this madness.I feel like a person who whines and does nothing.~W~

If I double replied to anyone I apologize ,I do have a brain injury.

Dear Wolfie,
I wish for you some peace. Is it really any wonder that you are getting lost in car parks? Stress does huge things to our stability, and makes us physically sick.
I admire your centredness in trying to wind down to a level in which you can make sensible decisions for the future. Nothing is simple in this huge life!
Consider, however, that you are not necessarily required to make huge decisions at this point...you do not need to map your path yet. You just need to plot your first few steps... to escape the controlling abuse and regain your self.. for just a minute or two.
First step is to ensure contact and engagement with your kids. You can have them as friends and team members at a different level than mother/ child. Strongly consider this connection as your first forcefield for self!
Second step is to insulate yourself from the will of the controller. This may be as simple as doing step one, and believing in yourself...
The practicalities, and your next address are mere details.
Write to your friend Wolfsong with the stern, loving advice that you would give a life friend...see what you tell yourself!

More, sorry Wolfie!
The sickest kids I have known have come from busted *** fathers. Those that remain alive have been lucky to have had a mother that knows love and nurture. This doesn't seem to be true in reverse because it is usually the husband that damages both wife and child... a strong and peaceful man has a happy wife and therefore a good chance at happy kids.
Take quiet credit and strength to yourself for your positive contribution.. I mean this on many levels. Remember that monsters are only strong when we fear them.

((((Scarred Poet....a lovely soul you are.Thank you))))))))

Love and care for yourself, wolfsong.

Wolf. In the short time that I have known you, I can already see your depth, character and presence. You are real, alive and wonderful. Please preserve yourself with the knowledge that you are cared for, at least by me, and it seems by many others as well.

I value your posts, even if they break my heart. Keep yourself well.

Thank you Dearest Byzantine.A sage you are.I will....I promise.~W~

Thank you for caring Larfu.I am warmed by your words.I don't mean to harm others with my posts.I have nowhere to dispense all of what's inside.But,I am not always dark.I am healed by helping.My personality does gymnastics.I can be silly and childlike one second...and consumed by shadow the next.Nothing is constant in a 10 minute span for me.

Ughhhh....I am sooo mad.(No...of course,no one can see that I am mad...it is all within me)So he gets home.....and he is washing clothes...cooking me dinner....I ask if he is ok.He NEVER washes clothes...cooks dinner.He is waiting on me.I say I am not hungry...because if my heart is divided...I can't allow him to do anything for me.I feel it is taking advantage.And the fact that he never does that and is now bites...because it is manipulative.What about all the years I was wound round his finger so tight and he knew it and he did horrible things to my body because he knew I was terrified he'd leave?Was an absent husband and father...Fkit!....I can't keep feeling.I have no where to go...even if I did I would wreck it.My brain is damaged he is right I can't make it out there.I give up!I have to tell my self everything is perfect.From tomorrow forward,my marriage is perfect...he is the best....always was.I will smile...cook,clean,serve him...do whatever he wants and steal time to myself with writing or art.That's my life.I don't care anymore.
So...I have been waiting....first to get the camper...then for him to put it on the truck...then for him to order fasteners of some sort...then for him to get extended side mirrors for it...(allllll reasons I can't go)....Then he says that the Ford F150 can't bear the weight of the camper...so he wants to put it on the dodge.But the dodge needs repair,so I need to wait.So I said well then I will pack the ford and take a sleeping bag and I can do without a camper.He said I don't see why you feel you need to go.You can live here and go on camping trips,and come back.I said you cannot recall all of the discussions we have been having since this last hospitalization...and after you beat the dogs?...He said no...not really.Maybe you could write it all down and I can read it.Well....WTF!!!! (Still hiding any cue whatsoever that I am reeling)....I am very practiced....This is a man with a photographic memory who has never forgotten anyTHING!!!!!!! what the fk so ever that my sons EVER did wrong....and in fact held it so true that he had reason to mistreat them....their entire lives?He can't recall beating my dogs?Chasing them out of our yard and down the street with a broom...daring them to return?Or dropping me at hospital and continuing onto his harley trip to Vegas?Or that I ...in fact had to have hospital pay a taxi to carry me home from there?....or that he said oops in reply to me saying aren't you supposed to stop making love if a girl says no?I am just sick.he says...how are you supposed to make it out there if you can't find your car in a parking lot?....How can you make it out there if you are afraid of people?You have no plan...you just want to leave.You can go on trips...why do you have to move out?I don't get it?What the hell?I am doomed.He is right I have to plans...no destination...and not enough heart to say I want a divorce.Because after all this bull sh it....I still feel sorry for him.He cant see why I want to go.He is oblivious that anything is wrong.Or has justified everything he ever did to a point that ;in his head,he has never done anything.Has so void a self-check system....that no faults exist in his head...so nothing can have been done wrong.I have to say...this is why.This is why I am done....why I want out.Because he has never heard one fk ng thing I ever said and allowed it to matter.I dont matter.if I say no...I dont want to have sex...he does it.If I say it really hurts my feelings when you flirt with women and stare at them...he does it.If I say I am sooo lonely...he leaves me exactly as I was before I gently explained it.....If I asked him to be gentle with Russell...that he was mentally ill...it didnt matter...he treated this boy like trash.His friends he would work for till he went to work on a week worth of 3 hrs sleep nights...and do it again.Boys talked while he was watching tv..."Shut up! I can't hear the t.v...or Ok! Let me miss my show so you can tell me something....Why you can't wait till commercial I don't know." I can't keep doing this bs.....

I give up.I just can't fight anymore.

UGHHH!!!!.......Can't stop shaking!.Gawd I am so mad!.I have a gentle smile on my face...speak softly...quietly typing.Why?.....I am JUST like my fkng mum!.I don't want to be like her.

(((wolf))) there is brain damage, and then there is brain damage... I followed your very long post all the way through my dear. I suspect that his abusive nature does have you convinced that you can't make it without =wait for it = HIM!

Ok, so maybe you can't leave tonight... but if your life was in danger, I'd want you to. But if you feel the need to leave, then begin planning the escape. Is it difficult? You betcha! Is it worth it? You betcha!

Even if you later decide not to leave, I suggest beginning to plan how to do so safely... that in itself might be freeing enough for your peace of mind...to feel in control of something. There are many resources available to you in CA... free, informative. That's all you need right now is to check out what all you need to check out!

# www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/ca.shtml # Statewide California Coalition for B

# freebatteredwomen.org/resources.html - Cached # Resource List Abused women 3543 18th St., #4, San Francisco, CA, 94110 415-255-2894 Transitional Housing program for battered women ... Washington, D.C. resource for battered women. 5 Thomas Circle, NW safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=2 - Cached # Free Battered Women: Resources: Fact Sheets The clemency movement for battered women in prison in California began in March of 1991. Members of Convicted Women Against Abuse, a support group for battered women ... freebatteredwomen.org/resources/fact.html - Cached # Battered Woman | Help, Support and

W

I wish I had the wisdom. I wish I had the words that would make it all go away for you. You are in my thoughts. You can make it on your own. Listen to JD and see if the resources there can help. I'm so sad to know a person with your heart, talent and kindness toward others is in such a place. I care.

Me