[kitten16]

Something happened to me recently that just made me feel awful. It's the culmination of a series of exchanges I had over the past few months with a classical musician. I'm a media person, and I interviewed this guy when he was in town - I'll call him Roberto - and saw his performances, and just thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He's amazingly talented, and he's cute, and young, and funny, and sweet, and we seemed to connect during our interview. All kinds of chords were being struck in me by this guy.

One, Roberto is the person I was supposed to be and could never become. I was a piano performance major in college, but dropped out of the music school early on. In one sense, I've never really resolved my heartache over having been unable to attain my dream of being a performing artist. Two, I have a non-relationship with my little brother - haven't seen him in twenty years, so there's little brother stuff going on with Roberto too. Three, I found myself feeling just overwhelmed by a sense of idol-worship for this artist, on an order of magnitude I hadn't felt since I used to get this way over guys when I was in my 20s. And he's more successful and accomplished than I am, and he's this transcendent artist with such maturity and sophistication and elegance. So he's very much a father surrogate in my funny little brain right now.

My own father was a narcissistic $hit - unavailable emotionally, rude to beat the band, constantly invalidating. No matter what I did, I could never win his love. It took me years to figure out the game was rigged, and eventually I stopped playing it. But the ache of having never been accepted by my father hasn't gone away. My therapist believes my issues around men can be traced to this original relationship. I feel this is true and understand it consciously, but it somehow doesn't prevent me from getting gaga over anyone I meet who evokes feelings of (in Roberto's case) worshipful admiration. I have keep having surges of attraction to unavailable men. Mostly I've kept them from destroying my life, but I skated very close to danger on this one, and I'm still shaking from it.

Okay, so the other piece to this is that Roberto must have sensed my feelings about him. After I emailed him an mp3 of our interview, he started corresponding with me madly. We hardly knew each other, and had never even spoken together alone in the same room - a third person was there in the interview. But suddenly he's flirting like mad, sending me love and kisses, and is asking me to meet him in New York where he's performing in a couple months.

My head was really really really really turned by this attention. But it was kind of off. I knew (from researching him before the interview, it was in his press kit) that he has a wife and small child at home in the country where he lives. And Roberto knew I was married. I was interested in keeping in touch with him professionally, and I love his music, and I really love talking with him about it. I was attracted to him, but I didn't think it was anything to worry about or feel afraid of. But asking me to meet him in a far-away city just felt kind of outrageous. I made light of it, told him my hubby would have kittens. I expressed some mild humorous regret that I hadn't met him sooner, when I was single (he's younger than me, he would have been about fourteen). Tried to be graceful and still give a nod to my attraction, while wiggling out of it. He seemed annoyed, and stopped writing.

So Roberto came back to town for another performance last week. His agent put us in touch, and I'm finding myself interviewing him. This is too long already, so I'll just say that he put me through massive hell just trying to get together. He had said that we should have a beer when he came back to town, but that was before I turned him down for New York. This time he said, "well, I'll see Evelyn this time" (she's a mutual friend of ours, nice older woman) "but not you. Just the interview," he says. And my heart is sinking, but I'm thinking maybe it's the best thing after all.

Long story short, he invited me to chat with him in his practice room, and we started joking about why we couldn't have an affair. And he started shaming me about why didn't you visit me in New York? Why didn't you call me on Sunday when I said I was flying in? Why this, why that? But I'm really drawn to him. It's awful. He kissed me on the cheek and I started blushing and shaking. I'm sitting there, still hoping he'll say we can have a beer together before he leaves. But no mention of anything like that, and I'm also thinking, I shouldn't want this! What am I doing, I'm married! And why isn't he asking me to spend some time after his performance on Wednesday night?

He was evasive about what time we should meet for the official interview, just kept not telling me the day or time. Meanwhile I had another artist interview, and all kinds of stuff to do. But I kept things as open as I could, and finally had to arrange the time with his agency. They told me to meet Roberto at the hall next day. So I came back to the hall the following morning for our official interview, and he seemed warm and attentive. Says he's going to be in a city near me in a few weeks. But my heart is sinking, because if he asks me to jump on a dime and drop everything to meet him in another city, I'll have to say no. And I can't explain it to my husband. And I'm afraid he's going to start shaming me again. But why does he want me to meet him in other cities, and yet act unavailable when he's in my own town? Driving me crazy! And the guilt of extending an essentially flirtatious relationship is making me feel sick too. My husband loves me, why isn't it enough? Why am I so compelled by the drama around this guy?

And to top it off -- during the amazing solo recital he gave on performance night, he dedicated the music to his friend Martina (or whatever), who had flown up from LA to celebrate her birthday with him. Yeah, that was kind of a dagger!

I know I'm being a jerk. I can't stop thinking about this guy, and he's just about the most unavailable man I've ever met. And I'm in a stable, loving relationship with the only man who has ever wanted to be with me. Why am I unable to stop obsessing about Roberto?

Consciously I know he's a jerk, but he is sooooooooo compelling.

I'm full of self-loathing, guilt, and also sheer loneliness. I'm still pathetically hoping he'll email me or text me again.

This is a guy who can't stop texting, and there's no bigger turnoff to me. He was getting texts when we were chatting in his practice room. I've been trying to use this as a way of breaking myself of my attraction to him. I picture being in bed with him while he's texting other women. It works for a while.

I know I have problems in my marriage if I'm going to be so susceptible to random guys like this. I'm in therapy - I'm wondering if I should try couples therapy?

And why can't I stop hating myself so much? I'm in so much pain I can't move right now.

Sorry this was so long, but I would appreciate your input.

Self-inflicted wounds often are the hardest to resolve. Your therapist will help you.

[madisgram]

this guy sounds scary, self centered, narcisistic. i'd run, not walk away from him. his texting behavior sounds obsessive and controlling. question-what about your marriage may be unfulfilling to you?
i'm assuming this seems flattering to you but he's committed and you're committed to other ppl. i'd focus on my relationship with hubby and let roberto fly. sounds like he's got several chicks lined up already and you'd just be in the line anyway. overly charismatic ppl are a red flag for me. i would use caution with roberto, mho.
hope this helps.

[Leed]

I'd say you were having a Mid-life crisis, but I don't think you're that old. LOL But you ARE having a crisis. The attention he's giving you is something that evidently you're not used to -- and it's really turning your head. And since it's coming from a musician ~ something that you have strong feelings about ~ it makes it that much more enticing. I imagine you can see him serenading you while you spread yourself grandly on a loveseat.

Bless your heart ~ I know the feeling well, as I too have had these feelings for someone, and while I was married too. But I didn't do anything about it because again ~ I was MARRIED. I knew my little "crush" was something unattainable and even if it DID turn into something, it would be disastrous.

Talk to your therapist about this. You need to get his opinion and thoughts about it. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[lastyearisblank]

And I'm in a stable, loving relationship with the only man who has ever wanted to be with me.

I agree with what you said about the influence of the past. But maybe this ^^^^has something to do with your feelings for Roberto. I could be way off here but the way you've described it makes that steady, devoted attachment almost sound.... boring?

Even his name (pseudonym?) makes me think of something exotic... tango maybe.. passion... moonlit beaches!

Could you be discounting the reasons that your partner is with you? You might be the kind of person who makes him want to tango! Maybe it might be possible to rekindle that in your relationship.

[SakuraLi]

I`m sorry you are going through this! I have gone through many turbulent emotions regarding men as well. I have known guys with Roberto`s basic personality traites you have described. In a word, ego! Its all about ego for this guy he gets off on jerking women`s emotions and hearts around. I believe all men who act like this know they have this power over women and they love using it. They love to be able to snap their fingers and make a women jump or swoon over their charm. He is selfish, manipulative, narssistic, womenizing scoundril In my humble opinion and I have never even met this guy. But I know he is like this because I have had similar emotions and situations towards men who have behaved just like Roberto. These things never play out well. Just calm yourself breath relax. This guy is so not worth you getting over wrought and ill over. I know this situation is crushing but try to stay calm. Here is a way to check if he is worth it. ask yourself: does he pay my bills? does he take care of me when I`m sick ? does he care about and contribute to my overall well being? If the answer is no boot him outa your life! he is taking and not giving back. This guy is toxic! Also Is there a way you can stop interviewing this guy in the future and hand over the duty to a male reporter so he`ll have less females to manipulate? Anyway i wish you well take care.

[kitten16]

Just want to say thanks for all these excellent and compassionate replies to my Roberto problem. I appreciate your perspective!

Part of what's so weird for me is that I thought getting married would solve this stuff. I thought it was a safe haven. It has been actually. But I also thought I was going to be protected from getting crushes on the wrong kinds of people automatically. It doesn't work that way! I'm still susceptible to attraction to toxic men. It's kind of humiliating that this hasn't gone away yet.

Thanks again for the reality check

Good idea about trying to arrange another situation next time the guy sails into town for an interview. I might have to arrange to be out of town or something so I'm not tempted.

[SakuraLi]

best of luck kitten, yes i understand what you mean that marriage doesn`t fix some of these things. but take baby steps away from toxic men! for the benefit of your health. i know for me getting entangled with these men has messed up my health at times so i can imagine it would have similar effects on other women too. take care I hope you get this guy out of your life or at least block his attraction from drawing you in.