[youOme]

My ex won't let my kids come back to mine and my boyfriends house because they've told their dad he was mean to them, and told them specific things. My daughter says he threw a gatorade bottle at her head, my son says he squeezed him till he couldn't breathe.

I had guardianship of my nephew as well, but today my mom took him from me saying he's saying my boyfriend is also mean and that he squeezed him also.

Basically none of my children can come back to my home. Luckily my ex lets me go to his house whenever I want to see my kids, and I can take them anywhere as long as my boyfriends not around. As far as my nephew, I don't know what's going to happen.

I of course believe my children, but I can't tell if maybe they took what he considered joking or pickin to seriously, because he tends to do that. He torments kids, even his own daughter he seems to love him to death. He never hurt, or bruised them to my knowledge, and for some reason none of them ever said anything to me.

I need opinions on the situation.

[Evening]

To me it sounds like there is some reason for concern. If your children are saying he's doing things that hurt/intimidate/upset them, then take their concerns very seriously. In the chance he is doing these things without the intention of making them feel the way they do, then someone just needs to sit him down and explain that to him. Joking or not it's not okay.
But, he could be in the process of becoming more abusive. Sometimes people who abuse will intimidate the children of their partner to 'get rid of' them. I was in that situation, where my mothers boyfriend treated me like hell but manipulated my mother into thinking what he was doing was okay. My aunty is now in a very similar relationship.
He will convince you he was just joking or playing so you think it's okay, but keep intimidating your children until they leave, so he can 'have you to himself'. It won't always be obvious to you though because if it were, well he wouldn't get away with it would he? And I can guarantee you, if he is intentionally doing what they are saying he's doing, it WILL get worse.
I would suggest sitting down with your children without him anywhere around at all (even if he's in the same house but in another room or sitting out in the car it may may them too uncomfortable to be fully honest with you, when talking about these things is scary enough), and ask them to share with you what they experienced with him. Do NOT in any way make excuses for him while they are talking to you (i.e. 'oh he was just joking, he didn't mean it like that'), because it lessens the validation of what they are trying to say. Just let them tell you what he did, ask them how they feel about him and the situations they've had with him, and then make decisions about what you'll do about it when they aren't around. Children do know more than people realise, but at the same time a lot of how they feel and the way it affects them may not register to them for a very long time, even years. They aren't bad or wrong for feeling intimidated, intentional or not.

Hope that helps somewhat.

[salukigirl]

Personally, I wouldn't let them come over either. You can never be too careful with kids. What if they took it as joking and then he really did do something to harm them? Then everyone would be asking "why didn't anyone take these kids seriously?"

The fact that he torments his own daughter kind of sickens me. Abuse can be in more ways than one. If the kids don't want to be around him, maybe that should be a sign.

[Evening]

I agree with salukigirl that abuse comes in more than one form. It is very true. Just because your children may not have physical scars doesn't mean he hasn't done anything. And sometimes people only take it seriously when there are physical remnants to show. When I was being abused by my mothers now ex, he never laid a finger on me. But the damage he caused was worse than the damage caused by someone who did beat me. But nobody had any major concern because what he did didn't involve beating the crap out of me or molesting me. I remember going to my therapist one session with my grandma, and she said she was worried what he was doing was sexual. Yet she never raised any concern? Never asked me if he had done that? My aunty never let my cousins in my house because she was worried about safety, yet she left me there? Did ask me if I needed to get away from there? Never called welfare? Treated my like a hassle when I asked for help?
If I'd showed up to someones door covered in bruises or claiming to have been sexually assaulted all hell would have broke loose. But nobody did anything because that never happened. Hence the reason I'm the way I am now. I can't call someone without panicking about using a phone, I haven't worked a job that involved people in 5 years, still have nightmares and are scared of the dark, and can't have a relationship of my own, just to name a few things. Don't let that happen to your kids, take their concerns VERY seriously.
Abuse is abuse.

[Tatyana2009]

Abusers minimise their abuse. They make it look like a joke or they did not mean it.

Please dont buy into this. Your family is at stake.

You can always take time off from him and live apart. This time you will have your kids and can think of the next step xx

You have to my knowledge told us twice he is abusive/aggresive/not nice to you and your children.

Now they have been taken from you.

I am not condemning you as its your choice in life what you do however this is not unexpected.

Personally I would do the right thing and fast or you could loose your children for good.

[ladyjrnlist]

I would consider this carefully. If the kids are all saying these things, at the very least they are being made to feel uncomfortable and yes, that could be a type of abuse. Try to talk to your kids in a neutral place and see what they say and really listen. I hope things work out.

[lynn P.]

If he mistreats his own daughter and now your kids are saying this - I think you should believe your children and pay attention to the signs in front of you. His own daughter is a red flag. I don't fall for "it's just a joke" - if the receiver of this joke isn't laughing, then it's not a joke....it's a cover up. If I was in your shoes I would leave this man.

This sort of "play" if YOU want to term it play...is at the very least passive aggressive...minus the passive.I do not know of any healthy adult who would teasingly throw a gatorade bottle at a childs head.Or,squeeze a child...even playing....so hard they can't breathe? What difference does it make if he thinks he is joking? You said....."He torments kids".....What grown man conceives of such a thing? This is like the guy who begins to abuse his gf with a "God can you do anything right?"...or a stern grab of the shoulder to get her attention.Soon it is grabbing her by the hair.Once a person breaches healthy barriers....I think the chance of things reverting to normalicy are slim.The fact that he ever thought to do such a thing,in my mind...disqualifies him of a position in your life...c'mon...you lost your kids???????? & you are still with him????? & and he is just a boyfriend????? Is your name Linda? My mums name was Linda....ughhhh

[constantdreamer]

My children's father abused me for 9 1/2 years. Because it was mostly emotional and verbal abuse, I didn't see it as abusive, I just thought that it was a lack of respect. I kicked him out of our house when I had no more energy to deal with him anymore. I let him see our kids at my house, and he watched our kids 1 at a time at his mom's house where he was living, every-other weekend from Saturday-Sunday. When he would come see them at my house, he would often pick fights with me. I believed that my children shouldn't have to hear us argueing, so I would leave. I wanted them to be able to see their dad, so I would find something to do, even if it meant walking around a store for an hour or two picking up laundry detergent...
Then about a year and a half ago, I called a domestic abuse program (trying to help my sister, who still hasn't gotten out of her abusive relationship because she listens to his rationalizations, like many of us do. We want to believe our partner, it's what we've been taught to do... to stand by our significant other.) When I called, they convinced me to talk to them about my situation as well. I did, still convinced that I wasn't abused by my ex. After talking to them on the phone, they convinced me to come in for an intake assesment.
Still convinced that I was wasting their time, I reluctantly went to the appointment. From there I was told I would be a good fit for the group therapy they offered. I still didn't believe them, and I think in some way wanted to prove them wrong, so I started attending the women's group. After I got there, I started feeling extremely guilty. Since there was a waiting list, I felt that I was taking a space that so many other women needed so much more than me. I cried, apologising for the first 3-4 sessions.
Then the next week, the education was about different kinds of abuse... I was dumb-founded, practically speachless. All I could say while we were going through the list was "really?" and "that's abuse?" That was the end of my guilt, and the start of some confidence. My ex didn't like the change, and tried to manipulate me. He said if he couldn't do whatever he wanted when he was with them, then he wasn't gonna come over to see them anymore.
When I didn't give in, and he was away from them for a few weeks, they started talking about how he had been treating them when I wasn't there. What they described was emotional abuse. We are now in hiding from him. All of my kids are in therapy, and they are healing. I would like to think that I would've listened as well as I did and took the same actions that I did, even if I had not gone to that group, but I can't be sure.

I urge you to find a domestic abuse program in your area, they can educate you on what abuse is, and even help you recognize red flags in future relationships, if you decide it's best to leave your current one.
I hope this was helpful.

[SlatkaMala]

A man who torments kids is not a good person. What kind of grown up would torment a child? If you stay with this man, your kids will think that you sacrificed them for him.

[PleaseHelp]

I have to agree with what most people have said. I think it would be a good idea & a wise decision to talk to your kids about what is really going on. Just listen, let them talk. I would also take a break from your bf. If you are living with him see if you can stay with a friend. This is not a good situation. I also feel that if you want to get your kids back, you are going to have to break it off with your boyfriend. Is this really the kind of person that you want to be a role model to your kids?

[Perna]

I can't see that the kids would benefit by exaggerating or making up their complaints. They get their lives rearranged and taken from their mother which is never fun. Kids know what "fun" is and when a loving person is kidding, etc. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is a good choice if you want to care for your children too; I'd be looking at him differently and reviewing how he treats/cares for me. I married my husband after first looking at how he treated other women; his ex-, his mother, my mother, me, etc. He has three sons and gets along well with them, I would have thought twice about him and the future of our relationship if he hadn't.