[Adhesion]

I recently got together with my boyfriend. We had been really good friends for over a year, finally admitted to having fallen in love with each other and have since moved in together. He had over the past 6 months prior to this been sucked into a VERY bad relationship with someone who tricked him into believing she was a totally different person, made him totally dependant on her and then used and abused him (mostly verbal, but also threw a bottle in his face once). He has told me how horrible he feels about himself for getting sucked into that relationship and that she made him feel dirty and like a "dildo with feet."

At first things between us in the bedroom were fine, great in fact, but after about a month he started to exhibit a complete lack of interest in me and shy away from even kissing and touching that might lead that direction. When I finally confronted him on this he admitted that he has become terrified of intimacy, and has realized he has a ton of baggage in that area he needs to work through.

I am trying REALLY hard to give him space and let him work through this, but it's so hard sometimes I worry it's impossible. My self esteem is in the toilet because I feel totally undesireable, and I feel hurt and rejected because I love him so much and am not allowed to express myself with him in that manner or share that level of intimacy and bonding with him except on the rarest occasion which has also become more awkward. I initially thought of my feelings on the issue as mostly sadness and hurt, but am realizing i'm becoming angrier at him each day. I feel like he is allowing this horrible person and her horrible actions to mess things up between us, and cannot really understand why he can't seperate our relationship from his past. I've had some pretty horrible intimacy experiences of my own, but they don't effect how I feel towards him.

Am I being unreasonable? How do I give him the space he needs without coming to really resent him for it?

[Perna]

You are not being unreasonable but I think you are giving too much "blame" to his previous partner. All you have is what he says, who he blames but it sounds to me like his problems are his own (which may have made her appear to be the problem; think of how he could think of you wanting to be intimate with him now, you could seem "pushy" to him which would make him a dildo with legs?).

It does not sound likely to me that if he was enjoying you before that suddenly he would not and that it would be a result of a previous relationship. He does not sound like someone I would want to be in an intimate relationship with; you did not mention anything he is doing to work on this problem. . . which is all his at this point! He needs to fix the problem, not the blame.

I don't like that he told you so much about his other partner and that relationship; it is none of your business and his bad mouthing another partner he chose before you; he could do the same about you if your relationship with him fails!

[mgran]

I actually slighly disagree with Perna. It could be that he's got intimacy issues from a previous relationship. If he were a woman who had suffered sexual abuse then it might be frustrating, but it would be understandable in that situation that a person might take longer to get "intimate."

On the other hand, Perna is correct that it seems a bit odd that he started off with no intimacy problems and they're only developing now. To be honest, there's nothing more intimate than sex, and he's already enjoyed that with you. It could be that there's something else at the root of it. Very often when relationships fail people apportion blame disproportionally to the other party. I know, because I've done this myself. When I first broke up from my son's father it was "all his fault." Now, years later, I accept that a lot of it was my fault too. Perna is right that you shouldn't take everything he says as gospel.

These issues are so serious that you can't let it lie. If you're to remain a couple, you'll need to work on these problems together. I know it's beating on an old drum here, but have you thought of couple's counselling?

[Adhesion]

I do know the person he was involved with is a psycho, as i've experienced some of her wrath first hand and saw emails she sent to him basically telling him how he wasn't having sex with her enough (which would be daily, and more than once if possible) and that if he didn't do better she was going to go sleep with someone else. She manipulated him into believing she really cared and then treated him like a "dildo with feet." I've seen him break down and cry just talking about it.

As for myself accepting blame, I do have to. I was unaware of the issue they had initially and then blundered by being a bit over aggressive sexually with him which caused him to freeze up. He understands my actions were not coming from the same motives as hers but its like all his guilt, feeling used, etc. surfaced and he got scared. I also know it doesn't help that because this bothers me so bad I tend to get depressed and/or angry about it and it ends up being brought up regularly which makes him feel even worse. He has admitted he probably needs counseling but doesn't have the money for it. He is VERY ashamed of himself and has nightmares.

I know that while he HAS to work on the issues I also NEED to find a way to deal with this better so that it's not always there like the elephant in the room. But that's where i'm having the most difficulty. I love him sooooo much and the absence of intimacy hurts me soooo bad I seem to constantly fail at keeping the subject at bay and giving him space.

[mgran]

What you've just said does make things seem clearer.

I know it may sound odd, but have you thought of phoning a rape crisis hotline, and explaining the situation to them? I know that it's very unusual for a man to be sexually abused by a woman, but he seems to be showing classic symptoms of rape trauma. Even though they probably won't be able to help him personally, they might have contact numbers for men who have been sexually abused.

It's not surprising that he feels guilty and ashamed about what's been happening, and I'm sorry that something happened to trigger these feelings in him.