[AAAAA]

My daughter is graduating from college at the end of the month. Since she’ll be graduating with honors the college has invited her and two guests to the college sponsored honor’s breakfast.

Since my mother will be travelling with us and she can only have two guests, my daughter suggested that she invite my FIL and SIL. My two of my SIL graduated from that college. At Christmas my FIL made comments about how he had not been there for a graduation since his second daughter graduated. SIL told him she already had a hotel reservation and that he was welcome to stay in her room. While we were there, that same daughter wrote on his calendar the day my daughter graduates and the day of her and the twins party (who will be graduating from HS).

So a couple weeks ago she contacted her grandfather to invite him to the honors breakfast. Last night the SIL that will be attending let my daughter know that not only would FIL not be attending the breakfast he would not be attending graduation.

FIL trains and certifies Firefighters for this state. He will be certifying a group a mere 30 minutes from where she is graduating. My husband is livid (more hurt I suspect) that his father will not be attending graduation. FIL sets the time for certification, he could easily adjust the time to attend but it doesn’t occur to him.

My issue is this: after the last time my daughter was devastated by her grandfather I told my husband and daughter both that although I understand how painful this is for them, they have to accept the man as he is. He’s 72 years old. He hasn’t shown any consideration for anyone but himself in the 40 years I’ve known him and he is not about to start now.

Last night hubby was on phone with SIL. SIL was crying hysterically. She seems to think she has to do something to fix this. Hubby was mad and not really thinking properly. He’d called her 1) to vent and 2) to ask what was so important that his father was going to miss his granddaughter’s college graduation. You see the issue is that my FIL will continually go out of his way for my niece (2 weeks older than my daughter). The sibling rivalry between hubby and his older sister has continued with what FIL does for niece and does not do for our daughter. (He remembers niece’s birthday and forgets our daughters. I use the term forget loosely as all of our birthdays are printed on the Fireman’s calendar. He has in fact given niece gifts ON my daughter’s birthday in front of her and just shrugs when someone will say “um, dad today is Bug’s birthday”.

I am SO frustrated. I KNOW FIL hurt daughter and husband, but this is not the first time nor will it be the last. My opinion is just stop expecting him to be thoughtful.

[lynn P.]

(((((AAAAA and family)))))) - I understand why you/family are hurt by your FIL.

My issue is this: after the last time my daughter was devastated by her grandfather I told my husband and daughter both that although I understand how painful this is for them, they have to accept the man as he is. He’s 72 years old. He hasn’t shown any consideration for anyone but himself in the 40 years I’ve known him and he is not about to start now.

I think it would be easy to accept the above quote if this was the way he is with everyone in the family....BUT it appears he's 'selective' and CAN be thoughtful with the other niece, therefore he's not always a guy who's inconsiderate it seems. So he's obviously favoring one of his own children(your hubby) over his daughter and their extended family. Is the SIL who's coming, the one who he favors along with her daughter? Has anyone particularly your husband ever called him on this and got a decent explanation?

[Leed]

You said "just expect him to be forgetful" ~~ but he's NOT being forgetful. He's FAVORING one child over the other, and it's so obvious that it's ridiculous!! Your husband needs to call him on this, IF he hasn't already. It would make your daughter feel better than someone is standing up for her and not just letting it go on and on. So what if it causes a "rift" between father & son? There already IS a rift between them ~ son is madder than a wet hen!!

My mother in law preferred my son over my daughter and it was very obvious -- my husband would NOT say a thing to his mother, so I finally called her a WITCH and told her she was no longer welcome in my home until she could treat my daughter the SAME as my son. And if she EVER laid a hand on her again (she'd hit her with her cane!) I'd knock her on her keister!! Of course my husband stood there with his jaw in his shoes, but I didn't care.

Father in law has to be told where the bear poops!! He's out of line. And it's NOT his memory. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[salukigirl]

I don't really have any advice but I know what you're going through. My dad's new wife has a few kids and one of them has a son by one guy and is pregnant by another. She has dropped out of college, doesn't have a job and lives there with them mooching all the time. However, he dotes on her kid so often and never even goes to see his REAL grandkids.

This past christmas my niece (just turned 8 last month) asked me "who gave me this present?" I said "grandpa" meaning my dad and she goes to my step-dad and says "thank you grandpa!" right in front of my dad. I said "no sweetie, I meant MY dad" and she says "denny"?

I don't really know if that hurt him but I don't see how it couldn't. She is calling a man who isn't her REAL grandpa "grandpa" because YOU wont be active in her life.

Then he calls me talking to his "favorite" grandkid and is doing that whole "you wanna say hi to aunt jessi?" on the phone and I said to him "I've only met the kid once. I don't know him or Linda at all" and he just ignored it.

Sucks when they are like that and it sucks when it hurts the kids. Luckily you seem to have an understanding that that's just who he is. I hope your daughter can learn that it's not her - it's him.

By the way - congrats! That is absolutely amazing graduating with honors! I barely pulled it off and I know how tough it was to keep my gpa up that whole time. She (and you too bc I'm sure you were a very supportive mom) deserve a round of applause bc that is no small accomplishment! I'm sorry there is someone always there to ruin those special occasions :-/

[AAAAA]

As I mentioned this is an old issue. FIL has always favored his oldest and youngest children. I have never cared for the oldest. She is the one that has a daughter two weeks older than mine.

The youngest was a pain in the butt. She was 9 when hubby and I started dating and was a spoiled brat. Although once she got out of college she started to mature and I love her to death.

It is the middle SIL that is going to the graduation. She’s the peacemaker in the family.

This favoritism has caused a great deal of hurt feelings in the family. My daughter and niece were very close when they were 5ish. Like sisters. Both of our families returned to the area about the same time and those girls were together all the time. BUT my daughter grew to resent her cousin because her grandparents favored her so much. Little things like going for ice cream became a drama. The girls would be together and he’d say “come on A, lets go for ice cream.” And my daughter would come home crying because she was not invited. I’ve tried to explain to my daughter that it’s not A’s fault. She doesn’t even speak to A anymore. Yet she continues to seek her grandfather’s approval.

It is more pronounced with the girls. They are the same age and for many years there were only the two girls among a gaggle of boys. So when Grandpa attends A’s graduation, parents night etc. (both colleges are equal distances from his home) my daughter notices. A attended the same college as youngest SIL. FIL would wear sweatshirts with that college’s name and logo. Daughter bought him a half dozen from her college and gave them to him for Christmas and Birthday. I’ve never seen him wear them. Even though he GOES to that college every two years to keep up his continuing eds to remain a paramedic.

Speaking of college; my in-laws paid for their three daughters (birth order 1, 2 and 5) to attend college. The two boys however were left to either pay for it on their own or not go. So there has never been a balance.

My husband has discussed this issue directly with his parents many times as have his brother and all of his sisters. We had a big blow up when my MIL died because FIL neglected to include my daughter with his other granddaughters in the funeral service. So a month later when SIL#5 adopted another child and FIL was planning a trip to visit the newest grandson and invited the other three granddaughters to go with him all FOUR of my SILs specifically asked him if he’d invited my daughter. He flat out lied and said he did but my daughter refused. My daughter was 18 years old and crying like a baby when she found out that they’d all gone and once again was left out. That was a very bad time, she kept asking what was wrong with her, what she did to make him act this way.

When my MIL was alive, she did appear to feel really bad but never gave an explanation. I remember one Christmas when my daughter was about 8 there was a weird vibe in the air. FIL walked in and said something about gifts. My MIL tried to shush him but he just said “these are just for the girls, the boys will just have to understand.” I was already annoyed because that isn’t fair. You don’t just get a special gift for the girls! I have three boys, what explanation was I going to give them? I thought that was why my MIL kept telling me she was sorry. My MIL tried to tell him to wait until after church (when we’d be gone), FIL wasn’t having it. Nope, FIL walked back into the room with three stockings; one for each one of my nieces. Even my oldest SIL couldn’t believe they’d forgotten my daughter. All my daughter could do was cry. Her brother’s didn’t understand because they hadn’t gotten an extra present either. My MIL tried to put some money in an envelope for her, but of course she didn’t want it. It wasn’t even the gift, just the fact that once again she was forgotten.

All my FIL has said on the subject is that our daughter has always been so busy (with extra curriculars then later a job also) that he just assumes she doesn’t want to participate in whatever. He also mentioned something about having my parents there for her.

My daughter has worked extremely hard in college. In addition to being on the dean’s list every semester she was the President of Psi Chi , President of their local Unicef chapter, TAing, having her own research project and belonged to several other organizations that raised money and assisted underprivileged youth. She’s mentored a child in that community for the last four years.

I am VERY proud of her. I understand she’s feeling hurt. I’d like to shake that old man! But she’s done this all without his help or encouragement. She doesn’t need him! The only time I have feared that my husband was going to physically hurt someone is when something like this happened. He is angry beyond composure and if he saw his father right now I truly think he’d punch him. He came SO close at his mother’s funeral. He’s not a violent man, but he was violent that day, it took me, two SIL and my BIL to hold him back, put him in a car and drive him away. It was not only the treatment of my daughter that day but also FIL blatant disrespect for his wife’s last wishes.

I just wish they’d write him off and forget about him. He’s stopped calling my phone, I don’t answer when he calls. I have nothing to say to him. I know both my daughter and husband feel I’m being dismissive and over simplifying, but for crying out loud he’s been an @ss for the forty odd years I’ve known him. Either accept him as he is or avoid him!