I feel like it is him, but I know it's me.

I have been posting a lot about my dad lately. Maybe because I am so confused. He is pulling away from me now even more than ever. I think he thinks I'm angry with him. And in a way he's right. But he is also terrible at communicating and his drinking only makes it worse. My cousin's birthday is coming up so I sent an e-mail to him asking for the cousin's address (to send a card). He send back the address and a note telling me how this cousin is about to get his PhD and just how great that is. It doesn't help that I was just online checking out another low-paying job. (No, no PhD or grad school for me). I know my dad probably doesn't mean it as an afront to me. It's just when there's hardly any communication, or I get cut off while I'm talking or put down for something small... then this about how awesome my cousin is.
The small things... they just build up.
My dad said he would call me on my birthday. Did he? No.
He did send a card, so... why do I care?
I know he isn't really the problem. I just need to let this all go.
Why is it so hard?
I get madder and madder but I know I have to try and let go.
He's not going to change. I am the one who really needs to change.
I need to just stop letting the little stuff get to me. And with him it's all little stuff.

I always say that if you keep your expectations low you won't be disappointed.

It's hard when we want our parents to change. Most of the time they are set in their ways....my mom has told me she isn't going to change...so yes, we do have to change how we deal with them. It's very hard and it sounds like you want your dad to accept you, to approve of you....don't allow him to have the power to make you feel so badly about yourself. Don't expect him to say the things you WANT him to say if he hasn't done it in the past. Parents are human and aren't perfect even when we want them to be.

elena i can so relate to your feelings of hurt, anger and frustration. you're correct, you can't change your dad, just you. his alcoholism just magnifies his "character defects". i'd suggest you sharing this at an ACOA meeting. i'm sure they can offer support in how to deal with his lack of being kind or thoughtful to you. hope you're still going there. you need it to pull away. the small things do build up. then they become resentments. then it causes depression. anger tuned inward=depression. try not to allow him "rent space in your head". live your life, carve your own destiny. hugs.

Hi Elana ~ All you're ever going to get from your Dad is broken promises. You should be used to that by now. An alcoholic never keeps his word. He can't REMEMBER what he said! Take it from a recovering alcoholic ~ they'll say something one day, and wake up and not remember a thing from the previous day.

It does no good to carry around these resentments for your Dad. All it does is make YOU sick. "Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." Makes sense -- we take the beating because the people we resent don't even KNOW we're resenting them!! And chances are, they wouldn't even care. So don't let him live rent-free in your head. It just makes you nuts. Like Jadedmoonbeam said, keep your expectations low and you won't get so hurt.

Take care of yourself, and live a good life! Hugs, Lee