I'm having huge doubts about my relationship

I posted this on the ask section of this site and Bella suggested the forum, toss the idea around and see what you guys could say about my situation:

I'm having doubts about my one year and 1 1/2 months.
I'm 21 and he's 29 going on 30 next 24th April.
For the last 3 months I'm been having some doubts about where this is going.
The truth is I'm feeling lonely, like something is missing from our relationship. We've known each other for over 15 years and we're confortable but I think that exactly our problem... on the outside our relationship is ok and we don't fight a lot or anything and he's almost perfect but I can't help to think he takes me for granted and doesn't give as much attention and love as I need.

Recently I've been thinking about this guy that I almost dated, F, that I know is in a relationship himself but that used to "stalk" me and was almost a danger to me because he was kinda obsessed about me and at that time (2 years ago ) I was not ready to see my freedom stoled and to give myself to someone I knew could make me feel so much and hurt me as well. So I took every little bad thing he did and told him no, i don't want anything to do with you, and simply run. when M and I, (M being my boyfriend), started dating and he asked me to be his girlfriend, F was still sniffing around to steal me from him, but I was so scared of him and his temper that I continued to push him away.

But now that I know he has a girlfriend, one he's not obsessed with and he's the man I knew he could be if he was not so obsessed I can't stop thinking if he could have been like that with me and give me what I feel is laking in my relationship...

I love my boyfriend but he's kinda inattentive unless I call him to reason... and I don't want to hurt him... Is this a phase and I'm being paranoic? or the fact that I started to think of F, and not my usual hate thoughts, a sign that there's nothing to save our relationship or a mere sign that I'm seriously lacking the initial passion and atention of the relationship?
I'm afraid I'm in a simple warm relationship, when I'm prepared to be in a fireworks relationship... but how can i tell my boyfriend I'm having doubts and why(his lack of passion and attention or at least not showing it as he should), considering this a issue that is not new in our relationship?

I'm also feeling really guilty because of this bc he's great guy and he thinks everything is fine...
Am I being selfish to think that maybe I can fix everything and work it out?

Well, we didn't have what people call the honeymoon phase... After two or three months we were already fighting over small things. We would make up and have some months without a roll but then he would be distant or give me to much freedom to do as I pleased (and he as he pleased) and we'd have a fight again..

I guess I was at fault for that... we weren't all over each other at the beggining and it might have affected our honeymoon period or lack there of.

It was specially because of F and my history with him that I was not as phisical with M as other couples are at the beggining...though it started to be easy to be with him from the beggining (touching, kissing, holding hands...it was comfortable and somewhat exciting).

Maybe I should explain why F afected so much my relationship when it started:

It all started when I was 18 years old. I'd just started university when I ran into F.
F was an old friend of my older brother, and an ex-collegue of ours from karaté, so I knew him more or less... well, I had talked to him one or two times after quitting the dojo when I was 16 or 17..

Well, I met him at the supermarket when I was shopping for food for my 18th birthday, the day before my b-day. as it turned out it was HIs birthday (he's now 28 or 29 I think). So he talked to me until my mother called me to the register machine. that was in February, then my brother went abroad and I was feeling very lonely. I was dealing with a depression and hiding it from everyone. I had social fobia and I was very shy. When I met him again I was polite and talked to him on the bus on our way to town (where we were studying). The week after that I met him at the bus again by pure "luck". I had something of my brother to give him so I asked his number so I could give it to him later on the week. I was so clueless that I didn't see what was happening. the next day he was on my bus stop. I found it strange but let it pass. when we were kissing goodbye (on the cheek!) he pulled me in on a kiss and I was too stunned to react...he ran after that and I was clueless of what to do and on a verge of my social fobia of attacking me. We met the next day and I said he had stolen my first kiss but I wasn't interested in a relationship but on the bus he kissed me again and I was so frigtened of the new experience I was having that I let him do it, kiss me and make out while I was completly stunned and scared(indeed I had an anxiety attack after leaving him on the bus stop). He started calling me and pressure me into a relationship. I was so scared and trapped that I ran. I told him I saw him as a friend... that I didn't mean to let him on. There're fireworks...4th July fireworks...big scary fireworks but also distrust.He always did bring out the scaried, meanest and awfull in me... not so much the good part of my personality... maybe because he makes me so scared and vunerable...so naked...

So I was brute and told him to go, excuse my expression, f*** himself.... not proud of that... I felt trapped and the one person that could have helped me was away (my brother).

So that was it... on September I told my mother I wanted a theraphist... it was a shock to her but after I told her that I've been having dark thoughts well over 4 years to that date and what had happened with F she agreed I might need someone to at least talk about stuff...

So I started therapy and it was that February that I say him again, F. My brother didn't invite him to his B.day party and I felt guilty. My therapist told me I should at least see if there was something there, if the motive of me running away was that I indeed felt something for F and having my intimacy problems I got scared and ran... my mother told me the same so I started talking to him again...we never kissed, we never held hands or anything but we talked for 3 months and I was to eager to share with him private thoughts... that was a mistake because I learned from a friend of his that he told him most of our talks and that he, the friend, thought we're already dating when he met me. I admit I was very angry at this and after a scene of jealousy I started to cool things off and in July I told him I didn't like him as he did me. I told him I was in love with someone else... not quite true... but exactly a lie. You see, when something went wrong with a guy I thought of how M and I (still friends) would be compatible and dreamt of how it would be if M saw me as more that his bestfriend's younger sister(although I didn't harbor feelings for him at the time... I did have a crush for him when I was 18, in the summer, after F woke me up for the fact that I was not invisible and that guys did see me...). So I ran again and he kept chasing me... he would be waiting for me on my bus stop, would send me sms and hi5 comments...etc.

After a while it stopped and I started to be better (of my depression) and seeing things weren't as bad as I thought... it was then, on my 20th B-Day Party that M started to look at me as more that his bestfriend's little sister and asked me a kiss but I didn't give him one... I felt the fireworks but also felt the fear of going there again (as my previous experience hadn't been so great...). So I made him wait almost a month before kissing him and he waited ever since for me to be ready in our relationship... he waited for me to be ready to tell him i loved him before telling me he loved me (so I wouldn't run) and he is still waiting for me to be ready to make love to him...

So we did have fireworks but it's like it goes and comes back again and dissapears again... we had a very bad couple of months (7-8 months of our relationship) but we got through it... but the fireworks didn't.

I think he thinks that is normal for the fireworks to disappear and comfortable love to settle in... I'm always saying that I need more attention. I went as far as to tell him sometimes that he wasn't making me as happy as he did before...then he would try for a while and then we'd fall back in the routine...

I do have to talk to him but I'm just afraid that I'm the one freaking out or that I indeed have feeling for F, that I shouldn't considering everything I told you and many more awfull stuff he did to me, and even to M and I.

I have a friend who says that I might be projecting my need to feel that I'm somebody's world(as I was to F)because M is sometimes distant and comfortable with me.

I think I don't really want F... besides he's a girlfriend now.. and I'm no homewrecker.... I guess I'm just wondering what it must be like to have him without the obsessive behaviour. I admit I'm a bit jealous 'cause I admit I'd had him back then if he hadn't been soo in love with me to the point of obsessing when I didn't feel the same passion for him. I liked him a lot but was very intimidated by his "passion" and I guess I wonder how it would turn out if he'd changed =S I'm I projecting the lack in my relationship in someone who's more attentive?

That's one of the things I love about M... he's not jealous of me and respects my freedom...sometimes a little too much...
I have to talk to him, M, but I can't seem to find the rights words or the rights thoughts...

So confused right now I feel kinda trapped. Feeling the pressure of it all but not the fireworks, not the passion anymore... I miss the butterflies

Sorry for the Looong thread...what do you think? I can barely study for my exams and I feel ever so guilty when I'm with M, like I'm cheating on him with my traitorous thoughts :'(
thank you**

Oh dear.

I feel bad for you that you had such a dysfunctional start into romance with F. That was unfair for him to do that to you.

But I feel worse for M. You're looking for something that does not exist in a long-term relationship. You're looking for those sparks that only happen at the very beginning. The poor guy could work his whole life to make you happy this way and never succeed. You need to find a way to be happy with the every day "comfortable" parts of a long-term, committed relationship. If you can't, then you need to be fair to him and end it. Then go find your fireworks with multiple new people until you get bored of it and realize you finally long for a committed relationship.

Thank you for the advice, actually I did break up with him yesterday. I told him I felt there was something missing... it was not only the sparks ... it was the fact we never really talked anymore, the fact I was starting to fall out of love with him and it wasn't fair for him if we continued this relationship because I might always feel this gap when I'm with him.
I felt awfull... he cried, I cried...
I just hope we can get through this..
I can't stop crying because I lost and hurt him but at the same time I'm kinda relieved I did the right thing and now I can find myself again and maybe one day he'll find someone who's ready to be comfortable and it's not so romantic and "delusional" as me... and maybe I'll find someone who will treat me better in the attention department...as i told my mother yesteday "someone who's great as M with a bit of the sane part of F", someone who'd run in front of a bus to save me instead of someone who didn't even fight to keep me and took me for granted..
I know I must sound a bit bitter.
I love M but I'm someone who need constant romance and small things from the other person and he's someone who takes people for granted and only sporadically did he remember I needed him to give me as much as I did him...
I just hope the pain will numb in the next months.

Thank you for your advice =)

There's usually more than one thing wrong when a relationship gets to this point. I'm sorry for you and M and hope healing time goes quickly for you.

Keep in touch with your friends and here on PC. Keep reaching out.

Thank you =) finding this site was marvelous. I felt really supported and it helped me do the right thing for me and M, even if he thinks I a crazy woman that hurt him.
I believe I'll hurt for a while but I'm doing everything I can not to fall into depression again (with this and all the stress I'm under because of my uni coming to an end this July and all the difficulties ahead it's been hard not to go under again).
I think psychcentral.com is a new but very welcomed way of me dealing with my life right now and maybe I may be useful to others and that's always great also.
Thank you so much

I'm sorry it hurt so much, R_Summers, but it's good to hear you feel you did the right thing. PC is here for you