[dhctza]

It has taken me a long time to realize that the whole notion of being in love, love, and romance is actually a load of nonsense that wastes a lot of energy and time. Why do we bother with it all, we beat ourselves up wondering why it doesn’t work out. Funny how caring about others hurt ourselves so much…

Well, stuff that, I am no longer wasting any time on any of it. The only thing to do now is to live my own life in my own way and my own world. My universe is my own and my own alone. I will no longer dwell on it, think about it or be bothered with it. It is a problem that I caused myself and it is a problem that I am forced to resolve myself.

The idea of love and romance and stuff lay dormant in my mind for a long time and the one day it all came flooding back to me…(when I met the perfect girl whom I wanted to give the moon...She got such a fright that I never saw her since - although I've managed to convince her that I am not actually a crazy stalker) Well the time has come to put it all back where it belongs, to forget about it and move on….

What bothers me most about all of this is that I ended up having to apologize for my feelings towards her and had to write it off to "Mania" to retain any semblance of friendship. If it was "Mania" then howcome I still feel a tinge of sadness when I think about her even though I am on antidepressants and on a mood stabilizer. No matter what I do I am unable to shake the feelings of love and care that I have for her...

Anyhow, the only thing left to do is to forget about all of it and move on within my own solitary world. She seemed like an oasis within the the burning sunlight of my desolate emotional desert.

The only thing that I want to accomplish now is to shake the sad feeling and go back to my normal emotionally flatline self.....please tell me how?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by dhctza

I still feel a tinge of sadness when I think about her even though I am on antidepressants and on a mood stabilizer. No matter what I do I am unable to shake the feelings of love and care that I have for her...

...

The only thing that I want to accomplish now is to shake the sad feeling and go back to my normal emotionally flatline self.....please tell me how?

I am sorry you are hurting, but, believe me, that medications do not make you "flat" while, at the same time, stabilizing you, is a good thing - feeling flat means being overmedicated.

With that, I am sorry you are feeling hurt and sadness!

[dhctza]

I must be honest, I've been emotionally flatline for a very very long time. I have been able to rationalize most things and forget about them very quickly. This is the only thing that lingers in my mind. It's a mild sense of sadness coupled with an intense need to work it out of my system. I started a blog to write it out of my system and it is slowly working because I like to write poetry (or my own version thereof) and doing so is slowly allowing me to change my feelings for her from intense love to merely seeing her as a muse.

I suppose the worst thing of it is really that I have been made to feel foolish because I care so much about another person.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by dhctza

slowly allowing me to change my feelings for her from intense love to merely seeing her as a muse.

I suppose the worst thing of it is really that I have been made to feel foolish because I care so much about another person.

You are clearly on the right track. Most poets have been through feeling foolish because they cared so much about another person, so you are in good company and not alone. Good luck with journalling and creative expression!

[patchwork5]

I'm sorry that you're feeling foolish. I agree that writing is a good way to channel and express your feelings. For whatever it's worth, I don't think you actually ARE foolish. You wanted this person to have a happy, healthy, full life - which is good - and she was unwilling or unable to respond to you in the way you hoped - which is less good - but that doesn't mean you were wrong to want good things for her. It is a wonderful thing to be able to appreciate the beauty, wonder and majesty that is another human being. The world needs more of that, not less. It is, regrettably, not a paying job.

Perhaps check back with her in a few years, to see if she feels the same. Until then, yeah, carry on with life write. Maybe try to love other people. But please don't decide that your ability to love was not valuable or good. Even if nothing came of it this time.

[BonnieG2010]

Are you only on medications or are you also following some kind of psychotherapy?
From what you write, seems like you could really use some therapy.

Love is not the worst thing that can happen to us, is the best thing.
But we must mean real love, not dependency. That is a different issue.

How to love is not automatic. Is something we learn and we learn it because we want to and think it's important for us.

I want to add one thing: the first love you need to feel is toward yourself, but if you are numb you cannot.
You will never love another person right, if you don't love yourself first.
They don't teach this often, but it's the plain truth.
As much as i wanted to love and be loved, I couldn't get there before i started loving myself.
So that's a crucial starting point for your therapy: learning to love yourself.

What do you think?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by dhctza

My universe is my own and my own alone.

The only problem about that philosophy/point of view is that all these other peoples' universes keep bumping into and trying to interact with ours :-)

In my world, Love is not nonsense, only took me 35+ years to find it (I'm slow :-)

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Perna

In my world, Love is not nonsense, only took me 35+ years to find it (I'm slow :-)

slow but steady wins the race

[Lisamom]

Your writing does not sound flat lined at all. You express lots of emotions. Unreturned love is so very hard to handle. My suggestion is to think about a love you may not have returned. Is there anyone who wanted your love but you did not feel the same in return? It sounds like you put your feelings out there without waiting for a signal from her that she felt similarly towards you. This can be frightening to another person. They don't expect a powerful advance. You must read other people and move slowly. It is a bit of a dance, but a dance which allows us to coexist gracefully with others and maintain our pride when feelings are not mutual. Give yourself time to heal, then open yourself up to finding a mutual loving relationship. I have had many crushes, felt the pain of unreturned love, felt the guilt for not returning another's love and finally found the joy in a mutually loving relationship. Only after finding this love did I realize how wrong the other people were for me. One sided love ultimately can only bring pain. Rejection is something we all must face. Just learn to move slowly and respect the right of others not to return your love and have faith that if you keep your heart open to finding the beauty in others, others will find your beauty as well. Closed doors keep out some pain but they trap the pain already inside while barring the entry of many wonderful new life experiencs.