[FlayedHeart]

I'm in love with and living with a woman who was sexually abused for years by her older brother. Then she got into a string of relationships in her teen years where she was used, nobody caring about her feelings, or outright raped by her boyfriends. Then she started into the BDSM scene.. and was mistreated there.
I love her, more than anything. I value her as a person, I like the person
she is, I respect her, try to be nurturing, try to show her what I have to offer her is different from what others have given her. She says she loves me, says she loves me as a man, and as a father figure (I'm in my 30's, she's around 20.) When we first started dating, she asked me to take complete charge.. to order her around, I refused.
I have serious self esteem issues, all my life I've been looked down on because of my weight and a slight disability. Here is the problem:
When we get intimate.. she accepts pleasure from me just fine (It took a while), but when it is time for me to receive something, anything in return... She freezes up and loses interest, or gets an expression of pain in her eyes and I ask her to stop. It hurts me to feel as though she doesn't want to touch me, the woman I love, who loves me... I've asked her about it. She says she's afraid I'll "get used to it", or "start taking what I want". I'm NOT that kind of "man". I want her, of that there is no doubt. But I won't take, I won't even accept what she offers unless it's free, I want her to want me, to want me the same way I want her. Nothing less is fair.
At the same time though, I often cry myself to sleep because I feel I'm being punished for the things others have done. I understand her difficulties, but at the same time I wonder if she even really wants ME, or just a safe place, until something better comes along.

[Leed]

I can see how you would feel like that, but you have got to remember that this girl is sick. She has been thru a lot of trauma. She doesn't trust -- she feels that all men are the same. She feels that she will ALWAYS be hurt because that's ALL she has ever known. And when it comes to sex, that has always been the "weapon" that men used against her.

She needs help -- she needs a therapist badly. To wonder if she loves you is valid because she might not be able to love ANYONE right now. She probably doesn't even love herself and before you can love someone else, you HAVE to love yourself. Her self esteem is undoubtedly in the pits. Men have destroyed her self-esteem.

If you two have any kind of open communication at all, try to talk her into going into therapy. Otherwise, she's not going to have any kind of life at all. She desperately needs it ~ and hopefully you can get her to go. I send you both my prayers. God bless you. Hugs, Lee

[lastyearisblank]

I am in a woman in her 20s man in their 30s relationship. I know that dynamic. Don't take undue responsibility. Your girlfriend probably knows what she wants. If she is with you to have a caretaker, that's unhealthy but don't feel the need to hover.

For your girlfriend...it sounds like you are both doing a good job trying.... TALK (which you are)... that's all I can say..

For what you mentioned about body stuff, women get more attention but body issues are not uncommon with men, just wondering if there are issues that YOU might be dealing with in this relationship? A therapist might be able to help here your side of the story... always better to talk to a partner but sometimes you just need to unload... good luck

[salukigirl]

I agree that talking this out with someone outside the issue is a good idea. Preferably the two of you together.

It does sound like she is taking out past issues on you, which isn't fair. I'm a little irked by the fact that she says you are a father figure and wants to date you? That weirds me out a little. If a guy reminds me of my dad, the last thing I would want is to date him.

It sounds like she has some real power issues with men. I'm guilty of it but in the opposite way. I don't want a guy to take care of me EVER. And it takes the form of my bf not feeling needed by me. Sounds like she goes the opposite way, and neither are emotionally healthy.

I understand that you want to help her but these are issues she has to face herself. You can't possibly know the feeling of being abused by a family member and she probably feels a little insulted if someone does try to empathize with her because, honestly, no one really knows how that feels.

Bottom line, something needs to be done because, eventually, this will ruin the relationship. I hate to say it but a relationship in this kind of turmoil can't last. She will push you away and make you feel terrible and, I'm sure, she doesn't want that either. Does she know EXACTLY how you feel? I hope you two can find someone to confide in, especially her.

[FlayedHeart]

I'd love to get us both into therapy of some sort, jointly and seperately.
But as we are kind of low income, how would I go about looking into something locally that would be affordable.

She also tells me things like "you're going to get lucky tonight", and then flirts with me all day, and when it's time to go to bed, she simply crawls in, faces away from me and falls asleep. :-/

[jenkins09]

Salukgirl, you would be surprised at how many people do this. Most of us are trying to get in current relationships that which we didnt get in childhood, so this is pretty common.

I agree with Lee, your girlfriend is seriously wounded, and I dont see much hope for you in the intimacy dept. unless you seek professional help. I am going into the mental health field and I know that almost all Universities have discounted or free counseling. Or local health clinics offer discounted therapy. Just call around, or call a Christian counselor and see if they can point you in the right direction.

Let us know how it goes would you please? and take care of yourself friend. Don't allow yourself to be abused and used in the process. Take care man and blessings.

[FlayedHeart]

Ok... this sucks.
I just walked out to my computer (she uses it too).
She accidentally left it logged into her Facebook, and she's been talking to one of her ex-boyfriends about seeing him, asking if he was still mad at her etc.
She told me that this guy was an abusive ***, who only wanted one thing...

WTF?!?

[jenkins09]

Are you going to confront her about what you found? she is obviously not caring about your well-being.

[FlayedHeart]

I'm afraid to, she also said the were "just friends", but that he went over the line only once. I don't want to seem like I don't trust her but... I don't trust her. Since she obviously doesn't want ME... who does she want?!?

I was in this same position before, woman with abusive men in her past, that one ended up deciding she didn't love me, just wasted my time and used me for 6+ months.

[lastyearisblank]

Ok! Well! It sounds like it is just about time for her to explain... in fact she is a little over the deadline here...

((((Flayed heart))))...So sorry you are experiencing this frustration,pain,and upset to your peace.Let us know how you are?