[LazyLogophile]

I have image issues that are having a serious impact on my relationship, and have caused quarrels on numerous occasions. In order to explain myself, I feel like I need to start at the beginning (when I think this issue really started), so I know this post will be long. I apologize in advance.

I have struggled with image issues for the better part of my 26 years alive on this planet. They started when I was around 12 or 13, when a few of my thin girlfriends at school started skipping lunch because they wanted to be thinner. I began to look at myself in the mirror (looking back, I was skinny and active and had no reason to worry) and suck in my stomach, wished I had bigger breasts, a smaller waist, etc. The eating disorders started then and persisted throughout high school.

To add to my blooming confusion about my body, I was constantly moved around as a child and teenager. I was always "the new kid", having to reestablish friendships and adjusting to new rules at school. I started to feel out-of-place and unworthy of true love or friendship. It affected my romantic relationships as well. I just couldn't see myself as beautiful or worthy of anyone's time or attention.

The image issues were made worse by my father, who has been absent for a huge part of my life, but the times that we were together he constantly commented on how a woman had nice legs, or how his love of a woman's breasts, and would constantly reminisce about his old lovers and how amazing they were (my parents divorced when I was around 6 years old). I started comparing myself to the Playboy models in the magazines that he collected, or the porn that he watched (he watched porn in front of me, and analyzed those women as well). I wanted to look like them. Maybe if I was more attractive, more interesting, he would be more interested in ME as a person...maybe I would be worth his time. He is a good man, but a confused one. He never meant to damage my self esteem, but he did not have a father (he met the guy once, but my dad was a man at the time and not interested in getting to know a "father" who was never there for him), so he didn't have a good role model, or any support from his mother.

My mother always talked about how skinny and pretty she was before she had my brother and me. I always felt like I ruined her. She had my brother at 16 and recuperated well since she was active and young. Apparently, it was not as easy with me. I gave her stretch marks and she had a hard time losing the baby weight (and never has lost it...she is close to 100 pounds over her healthy weight right now) and she constantly made remarks about how fat she was, and how she couldn't wear certain clothes or do certain things because of her weight.

Now, I am approaching 27 years old, and have a baby of my own. I was not exactly happy with my body before hand, but now I am deeply insecure about the large stretch marks on my breasts, stomach and hips. Some women don't have any! Even after several kids, and I got them everywhere on my first one! He was a big baby, and I have never had much in the way of hips, so he really stretched me out. The marks are fading, but they will never go away completely, and I dread wearing a bikini this summer (and I think one pieces are for old ladies...and I an old lady already!?). I have been working out as much as I can, when my boyfriend will watch the baby for an hour, but I'm having a hard time losing weight. I was 115 pounds before getting pregnant, and I am now locked at 145 pounds, and can't seem to lose or gain anything. I'm breastfeeding, which is supposed to help, but it seems to be doing the opposite.

I feel very insecure with my boyfriend. He says he doesn't mind my weight or my stretch marks and has been supportive of me trying to eat a balanced diet (not starving myself, he cooks almost every meal and we are both vegetarian so we don't have a lot of fat in our meals) and he has always advocated a work out routine for mental and physical health and stress relief. Despite his support, I feel like he secretly wishes I looked like his ex lovers. I have unfortunately been forced to have a semi-friendship with his ex girlfriend of 8 years because they still talk. She is SO skinny. He says that she is too skinny, but it's hard to believe that he really feels that way. She is this glamorous artist living in California, and she has flawless good looks and an amazing intellect. If the situation was different, we would probably be friends, but I'm too jealous to have a healthy relationship with her, plus the added tension of being in a relationship with her ex boyfriend.

Anyway, all of these things add of to a constant rise and fall of my self image. Some days I look at myself and think "I look great! I may not be young and cute anymore, but I have a beautiful baby and I have the battle scars to show how hard I worked to bring him into the world". Other days, I hate my body. I feel ashamed that I am a mother, and feel like I will never be attractive again because who wants to have sex with an over weight mommy with stretch marks on her belly and who vaguely smells like baby vomit? I have been told over and over again that I am too hard on myself, but it is a habit of thought that is two decades in the making, and I struggle with breaking it.

I want to love myself more so I can be a role model to my son. I don't want him to have a mom who constantly comments on her weight, and who might give him a complex about his own body, or encourage him to look at women in an unhealthy way. I want him to be happy, and healthy, and I know that I have to be those things first, so he can learn by example. I can give him all the pep talks in the world, but at the end of the day my actions mean more.

I also want to have a healthy relationship that isn't plagued by my insecurity. When I have low self image, my attitude changes and I am no longer able to receive the love or support from my boyfriend that he tries to give me. It creates a barrier between us, blocking communication and slowly crushing his desire to stay in the relationship (who wants to be their partner's therapist all the time?). I don't know what sort of advice anyone can give me that I don't already know in my heart...but I continue to struggle with the same issues over and over. I'm not sure if I can overcome this, or if I will struggle with vanity and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness for the rest of my life because I can't let go of my narrow definition of beauty. I have been actively working on trying to do things that make me feel good about myself, such as writing and drawing and exercising, but I slip so often into the same old depression that I begin to feel like I should just accept that my disposition with always be that of inferiority and sadness.

Has anyone else had similar struggles, or feel they could shed some light on this? I know it is a base and superficial problem, but I have been struggling with it for so long that I feel like I need to explore the option of seeking advice from others.

Thanks for listening. This isn't something I can talk about with any of my friends or family right now.

[2MuchCoffee]

This is NOT a base or superficial problem. This is very real for you and its adversely affecting your life. You had a very unfair start in building your self-esteem as a young girl. Your mom was responsible for her own body and had no right to blame you for her problems there. Do you blame your child for your body issues?

And I'm sorry, you may love your father, but he does not sound like a good man. You can't pass blame for what he did to you on to someone else. OMG! Watching porn in front of your daughter?! WTF?! He was a grown man and anyone with a shred of common sense knows how wrong that is. That would warp any girl's self-esteem and body image. The only thing worse would be if he actually physically molested you.

I know what I'm talking about here, personal experience with a very similar childhood. The only memories I have of my own father are of him sexually molesting me and beating my mom. It has seriously messed with my self-esteem and I have struggled with depression my entire life.

I think you need therapy, sweetie. Otherwise you could spend the rest of your life in misery, on this rollercoaster of emotions. It's so much easier to manage when you have help. It might be a good idea to be evaluated for depression, too. Because if you do have it, medication could be a huge benefit for you. It will help you do so much better as a mom, too.

As a side note, I'd like to speak from personal experience again: First, you should definitely strive to be healthy. But, there are plenty of men who love women with a few extra curves. I lost 40 lbs a year ago but I'm still about 80lbs overweight. Even so, since I became a single mom I have had no shortage of dates and I have a steady bf who is very attracted to me. Mmm-kay? It has a lot more to do with how you feel about yourself.

Keep reaching out.

[LazyLogophile]

Thank you for your response, freshpearl! You definitely helped me feel more validated that I'm not just wining, you know? :-)

I am sorry to hear that you had to endure sexual abuse as a child. I was also raped in childhood, but I have always been grateful that my dad NEVER touched me that way, not even close. He has a hard time even saying "I love you". My experience was short and I was too young to really understand. It's amazing how many woman have been sexually assaulted by their loved ones (including close friends). I'm glad to see that you seem to be in a healthy place now, although I'm sure the mental scars still hurt because something like that never really goes away.

You are right about attractiveness having more to do with how you feel than how you look. I spoke to my boyfriend yesterday after reading your response about the possibility of seeking a therapist for spiritual healing. He was very supportive. He was also glad, as am I, that I was able to connect with someone who has struggled with losing weight after having a child. I don't have any friends who have children, so it's hard for them to relate to me on this issue and it leaves me feeling isolated.

I have seen counselors in the past, but never for an extended period. When I was in college I was referred to the school counselor because my emotional issues were getting in the way of attending class and doing well. I was failing almost ever class, and I am typically a straight A student. She was very nice, but could only help me so much due to school regulations and suggested I seek professional help as well. The only reason I didn't was because of the cost. I will definitely start searching for a long-term therapist that might help me talk through some of these issues that I have been carrying with me for so long. Maybe I will actually be able to move on this time, so I can teach my son how to love himself by example, rather than doing what my mom did by talking about loving myself, but showing me that self love was nearly impossible. I wish she would have sought therapy herself so she could have been able to enjoy more of her time with me as a child, rather than feeling overwhelmed and bitter about how she had to put her problems aside so she could raise her kids. I've started to realize that taking care of my son starts with taking care of myself, otherwise, I will simply project all of my insecurities and bitterness on to him.

Thanks for the advice! This is the first time I have been able to talk plainly about the issues that I have with myself, without fear of judgment or rejection.

[ChipmunkGal]

Hey LazyLogo - we need to talk..... I can relate to you and have dealt with this myself. I have many posts throughout this forum that I've received advice on. I've lost a significant amount of weight (body building and weightlifting are my hobbies- actually, my life now) but I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. Send me a private message and we can talk.

[RomanSunburn]

I've also struggled with self esteem and being able to look in the mirror and actually like what I see. I also struggled in college; depression and anxiety made it very difficult me to attend classes. I still haven't graduated, but I'm now in a much better place and plan on transferring schools soon to finish up. I agree that seeing a therapist will help you move forward.

The one piece of advice I can give, and I think it's the most important, is that you have to WANT to let go of all those negative thoughts. It sounds so much easier than it is. But, I know with me, letting go of my desire to be perfect, and that nothing else was acceptable, was SO hard. I had to truly want to change my thought processes before I could move forward. I spent several years in therapy before I was finally ready to start letting go of my ideal of being perfect. Part of the problem is when you have low self esteem and low self worth, the negative thoughts feel right, good, a form of punishment because you're not good enough. You can't just start telling yourself you are good, because you won't believe it until you want to believe it. I grappled with this for years, and even now, I can occasionally feel myself slip back into those comfortable territories.

I hope this didn't come out wrong, or too jumbled. It was very hard for me to explain... One of those things I know in my core, but not really in language.

Take care

[LazyLogophile]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

Hey LazyLogo - we need to talk..... I can relate to you and have dealt with this myself. I have many posts throughout this forum that I've received advice on. I've lost a significant amount of weight (body building and weightlifting are my hobbies- actually, my life now) but I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. Send me a private message and we can talk.

How do I do that? I'm still a little new to this...

[LazyLogophile]

@RomanSunBurn

Good advice! You didn't come off wrong at all. :-)

I really FEEL like I'm ready to let these negative thoughts go, but I keep slipping back into old habits, you know? I'm trying to put more energy into positive thoughts, especially after getting so much good feedback. It just helps knowing that it's not just me...which of course it's not, but isolation can make you feel like that way. I appreciate being able to finally let it out, at least. Just getting it out is cathartic! But I will definitely seek some professional therapy. Thank you for your response!

[DivorcedWoman]

You mentioned going to therapy. I think that will help a lot. I think it is so hard for women not to have self-esteem/image issues in this day and age. I know I still struggle with it off and on.

I grew up in Southern California close to the beach and walking along the boardwalk one day a guy commented that I had large breasts. I was 12 or 13 and I took it as being a negative thing. I'm still self conscious about the size of my breasts. I'm a 36D or DD depending on the bra. I usually won't buy a bra unless it is a D because I'm so sensitive. My current boyfriend teases me gently off and on and says he loves my nice big beautiful breasts but I still have the hang up. In my earlier days I though I might even get a breast reduction. I've moved beyond that point and I live with what I have and I don't want to have surgery. I do also wear clothes that don't accentuate my breasts so it's hard for someone to tell my size. I'm 42 so I've dealt with this hang up a long time.

I've definitely had more issues in the past but I have bigger things to worry about now and so I don't really have time or energy to spend on it. Sure I wish I weighed a little less, exercised more and had a rocking body like I used to, (I did have that in my obessive compulsive work out 7 days a week days) but I've learned to accept my life. I still don't have the greatest self-esteem and don't take compliments well, but I am working with a wonderful therapist and she's helping me conquer things.

Best wishes!

[Perna]

If I were in your situation, I think I would try to change my main focus to other or new aspects of my life besides health, fitness, and "look". It sounds like you are doing well there but what we focus on is. . . what we focus on. If you have a flaw and "pick" at it, then it can only get worse? You did not mention what you do for a living, or even as much personal information as you gave about your boyfriend's ex! I know she is a painter but I don't have any information like that about you?

When my husband "complains" about some aspect of our relationship or a personal "flaw" I look at it and see what I can do as an actual behavior. I walk and eat too fast so now I am working to make myself "stop" or come back and walk beside him instead of surging ahead or slow down my eating so I don't finish before him and eat more as a result of the boredom of just sitting and waiting for him to finish.

But it sounds like you are doing all the right things with your body; it just "is" a certain way right now. I don't know if you are also worried about the future/aging and when it will really go downhill (I'm 60 and 115 pounds overweight and that combination is NOT pretty :-) but there are some things that can't be helped; stretch marks from babies and how tall you are, for example

I would not necessarily try to work on how you feel about your body directly; I would just work on not comparing it to other people's at first? I was amused, looking to see if you mentioned whether your boyfriend's ex- had stretch marks or not :-) but stop with the behavior of comparisons. Work to catch yourself at it and then stop and redirect your thinking. Eventually it will get so you don't "go" there in the first place and so the "pain" of a negative comparison won't be there either. Think of it like one does the don't-think-about-pink-elephants example. You have to think about pink elephants when someone tells you not to, whether you "want" to or not because it is "there". Get it so you don't compare your body with other women's and I think you will feel much better about yourself, when you do think about yourself? You have that desire, you used it when you were talking about the work of having a baby and having the scars to show for it. That's the "true" You!