[Izraehl]

I'm a 20 yr old guy with a past of being shut down or abandoned with most relationships in my life.

I'm very open about my feelings and desires for certain types of affection. I also seem to be pretty dependent which leads me to want her to always be giving me words of affirmation and other 'confidence boosters' and she isn't quite that kind of girl.

Anyway it started off by me saying things that basically boil down to 'can you show me outward affection in a way that I understand a bit more often?' and every now and then if i'm craving some type of affection from her i'll bring it up and it makes her feel bad.These discussions are happening with some frequency for a while and we both end up feeling bad and it just causes drama. Tonight I got this response:

"well i was thinking more along the lines of me trying to tell you things to make you happy hasnt seemed to be working out. It doesn't seem to be making you feel any better and it seems like you dismiss the things that i say and then think that i havent said anything which i assume means i havent found exactlyyyy what you need. Which kind of worries me as you'll eventually just get sick of having the same conversation with me"

Now I have noticed her effort and I admire her greatly for it. This girl is my *ideal* and I know that we have potential to become a successful couple. She's very independent though, I'm not so much. She thinks that insecurity and lack of confidence that I have could be dealt with by exercise and finding something else in my life so that I don't focus so much on the relationship alone. I know she's right too. She's a ballerina, admirably confident, independent, smart, gorgeous... I kind of feel like i can't compete. I have intelligence, caring, and thats about it. Apparently no self esteem.

I don't want to lose this girl, any tips or advice? How can I control my emotions and my feelings of 'you need to stop this and start this in order to make me happy.'? I feel like she's drifting away, and I really don't want that to happen. Don't know what I'd do without her.

How can I convince myself that she fell for me for a reason and just accept that?

TLDR: I cause drama, I make her feel bad, she's amazing, I'm not. Advice?

[Visioneer]

I'm going through something similar, and it has been going on for a long time, but I'm only now figuring it out. The issues are manifold, and only part of it has to do with the fact that he is not very physically demonstrative - this is noticed by others as well as myself, so it's not just a projection. And I hate bringing it up because it makes him feel guilty and then he pulls back even more, so the only thing I can do is suffer silently. Not being touched makes me feel so lonely it's physically painful. And not being told he cares makes me constantly anxious and preparing myself for the worst so that I can't enjoy the time we have together. I don't know how many times I can explain this to him before he will just break up with me out of frustration. The other part is that I'm simply insecure and have low self esteem, so when he's not showing me or telling me "often enough" that he wants to be with me, likes me, finds me attractive, doesn't want to be with anyone but me, it's got tons more to do with the fact that I don't believe I'm worthy of his affection than the fact that he isn't showing me I am. This is a constant struggle and I'm not sure how to work on it at this point, except to remind myself of when he has said or done something that indicates his feelings so that I have a more realistic view of the situation. I write things down, I have my own affirmations. I literally make lists of positive things he has said or done and go over them when I'm feeling anxious. That may seem crazy, and maybe it's not the healthiest solution, but for me it seems healthier than having to constantly ask him if I'm good enough, because that's the real question, and it's not fair to ask him constantly and cause him stress. You and I also need to remember that the most important thing about this situation is not doing the right things to 'keep' them, but doing the things that are healthy for us. It sounds like she's a wonderful girl, but she can't be the gauge of your worthiness. We have to find that in ourselves. And honestly, it might take a bit of self improvement, but it's a mental adjustment more than anything. For me, I have a terrible job, it takes away so much from the rest of my life that I don't have time to do any kind of socializing, which makes me lean heavily on him, and plan all of my free time around when we are able to see each other, because we don't get to see a lot of each other. That makes me neglect everyone else I could be spending time with because I always keep my schedule open in case he wants to get together. I don’t have a lot of people in my life to begin with. I feel like a failure because of the decisions I have made and the situations I have gotten into that led me to this point where I am so dissatisfied with myself and my every-day life. I feel like I'm boring and afraid he will find me boring. I would love to go back to school, find a job that has regular daytime hours so that I could do things after work and spend time with other people, maybe join some social club or take a hobby class or something. These things would all be really healthy for me, and I need to find a way to do something about my situation, not just because I'm afraid that I'll lose him if I don't. None of this is a quick-fix, and there isn't one. It will be a process and I know I can't do it without help. If I could I would have by now. So I'm going to therapy and always looking at my options, doing my budget to see what I can afford to do, either by taking a pay cut for better hours or going to school, looking for other work, looking at courses I could take, and trying not to tell myself that this is all impossible and just give up. Be the center of your life. That's a tough thing to do. I thought my psychiatrist was completely wrong when she told me that I would be fine without him. I still can't convince myself that she's right. I have felt at times that my life would not be worth living if he didn't love me, because I wasn't worth being loved. I've had to accept a lot of challenges. Not all of it has made me a better person, but I'm trying. The fact that you recognize all of this, and that you are only 20, is honestly a pleasant surprise. The fact that you have this much insight into your own feelings and behaviour, and the impact it is having in your life and on your partner, means that you have the intelligence and ability to change things, and that you truly want to improve the situation by working on it yourself, and not expecting her to do it all for you. That’s an excellent and responsible place to start. Is there anything you would like to do in the immediate future to improve your own situation? Are there any ways you could work on yourself or your life that would make you feel better about yourself in the long run? What can you do that would make you feel more confident now? A good place to start would be to focus on your strengths. Be really honest (that doesn't mean optimistic or pessimistic, it means realistic) and list things that you like about yourself, or things you feel you do well, and things that make you happy now. Sometimes things we like about a partner are things we like about ourselves, and that's why we get along with them so well or gravitated toward them to begin with. The qualities we admire in others are a standard to which we usually hold ourselves, or aspire to. So those are things you could add to the list. Separate yourself mentally from her for a moment - not imagining breaking up with her, just examining your selves with objectivity as separate entities - and imagine the things you share that you would still have if she were not there. Developing a strong sense of identity is important. It’s hard not to feel down when we thing about the places we think we could improve, because instead of looking for solutions we focus on the failure. Looking at the facts, without the emotional backdrop, is the place to start improvement. For the sake of the exercise, make a short list of things you would like to improve, without going overboard or getting discouraged. Take a look at it - not necessarily right away - and decide which of those are most worth changing, and what is most possible to change. Do the things that will make you feel better about yourself by making the decision that your future happiness and health is worth working toward. There are also some things we do not like about ourselves that we need to accept and deal with because they cannot be changed, and improvement in our lives would mean dealing with those things in a healthy and practical way, and accepting it as part of our routine. Thinking “If only” will not solve a problem. For me this means dealing with my mental illness and accepting help when I need it, which is a very hard thing for me to do. It means working through my emotional instability or paranoid/psychotic symptoms, because it is not something I have a great deal of control over, and learning to recognize my own reactions to situations that may be disproportionate or unrealistic, and using the medications and tools from therapy to deal with it. Those are things I cannot change about myself; I just have to do my best to work with it, and be responsible for that. Most importantly, relax. Do whatever it takes to find a bit of peace in the meantime, and when you spend time together, try to dwell most on the things you can do to enjoy that time together. Make plans and look forward to activities that you will both enjoy. Live in the moment instead of being in the moment with your mind somewhere else, or you will miss the joy happening right under your nose. In the end, if the relationship does not make you happy, it might not be you. And if you find that it is the truth, know that you will be alright without her and never discount the possibility that there could be someone else out there who you would be happy with. I don’t know either of you so I don’t have any opinion, but your opinion of whether this is making you happy is more important than hers. Best of luck! Let us know how things are going. I’d love to see your lists if you’re willing to share. There are plenty of things on my lists that I’m planning on bringing to therapy. The key is recognizing them. It’s the first and most important step toward change.

[Izraehl]

I'm sorry about the length of this post.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

I don't know how many times I can explain this to him before he will just break up with me out of frustration.

I hear you there. This is the biggest anxiety causing factor for me. I get all worried and worked up. I start thinking that I'm not good enough for her. I begin to seek out affirmations that she does indeed want to keep me around. I make her feel sad and as if she isn't trying hard enough. This eventually leads me to desire more affirmations and I'd bring it up to her in a way that makes her feel like 'Well here we go again with THIS conversation. I've been trying really hard! It's not working!' when really I'm just in this vicious circle and I HAVE been noticing her effort. I try to tell her 'darling, it's me, not you.' but in the ends she still feels upset and like she's not doing enough. When really, I'm the one asking for too much. I feel so lucky that she's stuck around because she deserves so much better. I swear I have the hardest time controlling my emotions and dealing with my own issues. I always feel like I need to bring her into it like it's her job, but really, only I can handle this.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

It sounds like she's a wonderful girl, but she can't be the gauge of your worthiness. We have to find that in ourselves. And honestly, it might take a bit of self improvement, but it's a mental adjustment more than anything.

Thank you for saying this, it was a bit eye opening and I realize that's exactly what I'm in the habit of doing. I'm always comparing myself to her (She's a good role model for confidence and independence) but maybe I should stop comparing and focus on learning by example and attempting to understand and execute the information I've gathered. I'm going to rearrange my focus here. I believe this is key.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

I write things down, I have my own affirmations. I literally make lists of positive things he has said or done and go over them when I'm feeling anxious. That may seem crazy, and maybe it's not the healthiest solution, but for me it seems healthier than having to constantly ask him if I'm good enough, because that's the real question, and it's not fair to ask him constantly and cause him stress.

Nailed it. I'm becoming convinced you have been spying in my thoughts. I do the note thing also. It helps me to know that she cares. I save text messages and what not, I have a folder on my computer called "What (hername) Likes about me." It can help a bit, but it doesn't solve the issue. However, like you said, it's a mental adjustment.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

I don't have time to do any kind of socializing, which makes me lean heavily on him, and plan all of my free time around when we are able to see each other, because we don't get to see a lot of each other. That makes me neglect everyone else I could be spending time with because I always keep my schedule open in case he wants to get together

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

I feel like I'm boring and afraid he will find me boring. I would love to go back to school, find a job that has regular daytime hours so that I could do things after work and spend time with other people, maybe join some social club or take a hobby class or something.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

Sometimes things we like about a partner are things we like about ourselves, and that's why we get along with them so well or gravitated toward them to begin with. The qualities we admire in others are a standard to which we usually hold ourselves, or aspire to.

Something she's been preaching since before I started dating her was the importance of having something else in your life besides the relationship. Something that you devote time and effort to, something that you enjoy and that makes you feel worthwhile. She told me that she had gone through a kind of similar situation with her ex and always thinking that the relationship will fail. She picked up her love of dancing again and the change she experienced in everyday life basically boiled down to more self worth, confidence, independence, and overall happiness. She had something else in her life that she loved and it helped her place herself as the center of her life. She ALWAYS tells people that it is VERY important to find SOMETHING.

In other words...

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

Be the center of your life.

This girl's own insight to herself made me fall for her HARD. It's what I love about her.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

The fact that you recognize all of this, and that you are only 20, is honestly a pleasant surprise. The fact that you have this much insight into your own feelings and behaviour, and the impact it is having in your life and on your partner, means that you have the intelligence and ability to change things, and that you truly want to improve the situation by working on it yourself, and not expecting her to do it all for you.

Thank you for the compliment. You actually give me a bit of a confidence boost there because I tend to pride myself on my insight and intellect. Actually, though, I hear this often from people. I'm not the most masculine guy, I'm very attuned to understanding emotion and being empathetic. Dealing with emotions is a different story though. Anyway, I tend to see this emotional insight, interpretation, and expression as kind of a feminine thing which just adds on to the 'not so masculine' view of myself. This is one of the causes of insecurity I guess. I'd like to think this is one of the reasons she's attracted to me? I'm not convinced it's enough though. Girls like muscles, adventure, daring, fun, etc. I feel like she'll just get bored of me in that respect! I find it hard to see these things as positives if I think she'll not be attracted to me (especially physically) - but more on this in a bit.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

Is there anything you would like to do in the immediate future to improve your own situation? Are there any ways you could work on yourself or your life that would make you feel better about yourself in the long run? What can you do that would make you feel more confident now?

This has been the orientation of my self improvement I've been working on for most of the winter: What can I do to improve self esteem and confidence? What can I do to make myself the center of my life? What can I do to make myself more nonindependent? (because of these things are attractive features to have). This is another one of those areas that my girlfriend has opened my eyes to. I want to be like her, she is all of these things. I have decided that I'm going to pick up exercising again. In fact, I decided this a while ago. I want to also pick up my other love in life, the one thing that made me feel more confident than anything: Hockey. I was basically a star a few years back in my league and I LOVED it. More confident than anything. So why did I ever quit? I had to have spinal surgery and an invasive foot surgery within a year of each other. I guess I just never picked it back up and my self esteem has been going down since. In fact I just found out I have to have a double diskectomy and laminectomy in a few weeks and I've been in pain for months. Yeah, 3 spinal surgeries and I'm 21 (yeah I said 20 in my original post but that's due to habit, my birthday was Tuesday). So I haven't been able to carry out my plans for becoming a better man and I wont be able to for a couple months yet. This is very hard on me when I'm so desperate to help myself become better.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

Developing a strong sense of identity is important

This is basically my gameplan. I need to focus on me. She's supportive in this also, she thinks it's very good that I'm really trying to make myself more central to my life.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

Looking at the facts, without the emotional backdrop, is the place to start improvement.

Wise words I will be sure to remember. I will begin to view things less emotionally and more objectively. I need to oust that fear I have of things going wrong and not feeling worthy of love, so that I may allow myself the feeling being worthy of love.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

Most importantly, relax. Do whatever it takes to find a bit of peace in the meantime, and when you spend time together, try to dwell most on the things you can do to enjoy that time together.

This has been my latest realization! Just recently I realized how worried about the future I am, of the relationship failing, of her meeting another guy that sweeps her off her feet, how will I survive without being loved? I discovered that I really just want to enjoy the present. I want to be able to say I had a great time with an amazing girl and not feel afraid or worrisome afterward. I need to begin to just let things go... to appreciate her and myself, and us a couple. A happy couple. I want to be able to look back at these times and not regret how I handled them. I'm 21, in college, I need to start having some fun. Luckily, there's this amazing girl who feels the same way who likes me for me and wants to enjoy my company as much as I want to enjoy hers. I need to stop WORRYING.

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

. Live in the moment instead of being in the moment with your mind somewhere else, or you will miss the joy happening right under your nose

Thank you for this. =)

You have helped me realize some things and brought to my attention some ideas that I really needed to hear. This is a gradual process, but I feel like I can do it. Especially since you seem to have faith in me as well, a complete stranger who read one post by me. I'd like to comment on your insight and understanding as well, whether you've gained it by experience or you were demonstrating pure empathy, you told me exactly what I needed to hear, and that's an extremely admirable trait at minimum. Thank you, again.