[salukigirl]

So I'm sure everyone here is getting tired of me talking about my bf and, believe me, I'm pretty sick of talking about him. He loves playing the martyr role and, even though he says he knows what he did was wrong or that he knows something was his fault, I'm not sure he really does take responsibility for these things. I feel like, if he did, and if he genuinely felt bad, it would take only a few mess ups and he would really pay attention to his actions or actually try and change them. All it takes for me is one or two times "please don't do that, it bothers me" and I make a conscious effort to respect boundaries. But he does the same crap every other day.

There is just no emotional support. My grandma dies and he is at a friends house and asks if he can stay the night and come back the next day. As I'm bawling my eyes out. These people I go to school with were being relentless the other day and he tells me "oh so since they were jerks to you I have to deal with it?!" and then yells at me for crying.

Does things that annoy the hell out of me and when I say don't he tells me he is just trying to be cute - but never stops doing them. And he will complain about stuff all the time but blame everything on others. His thesis isn't finished bc his adviser ignores him - yet I rarely see HIM work on it. Complains about his boss and says he's going to tell him off but then just rolls over, takes it, and continues complaining. I get the whole "it's all me right? it's never you" or "everything is always my fault" but when I ask for any examples of me being a jerk or anything he changes the subject.

I know he is basically the definition of having the martyr complex but I don't know if I should have confidence that maybe it can still be successful or if it is basically doomed. I'm so tired of this crap.

[2MuchCoffee]

salukigirl

I hate to say it, but I know exactly what you're going through. Everything you described is stuff my ex-husband used to do. He always blamed things on other people, especially me, never apologized if he did something to hurt me. He also never cared if I cried, it would usually make him walk away, go to another room or leave the house completely. He never wanted to go to counseling, if something bothered me than I had to see a counselor on my own. He completely abandoned me during very difficult times, such as when my grandma died and also when I had a miscarriage. I still haven't forgiven him for that one. He checked out whenever things got difficult. That track record should have had me running in the other direction, but I stayed and wasted almost 13 years of my life, waiting for things to "get better". They never did.

I can't tell you what's right for you. But for me, I really regret the wasted time, my co-dependency, always hoping if I just did this right or that right, things would get better. Someone with THAT many issues will not be able to change enough to give equal effort in a relationship. He doesn't want to be married, or in a committed relationship, not really. He demonstrates that in everything he does/says, especially in passing the blame.

[shezbut]

(((salukigirl)))

I think that you've answered you own Q as to whether or not this relationship can be successful.

Despite your attempts at maintaining a healthy relationship, your bf isn't playing by the same rules. Personally, I have a thing against martyrism. My mom has played that role for YEARS and it drives me insane! If this tendency of your bf bothers you now ~ chances are real good that it's going to bug the heck out of you in a few years.

I'd brush my hands and knees, take my tissues, and leave him. In my humble opinion, his tendency will not disappear. I wish you the very best ~ take care!