[reconchick]

There's a lot going on here. Just a heads up.

I met my fiance when I was 21 and he was 32. We've been together since August of 2008 and I really felt he saved me in a lot of ways. I was in an abusive relationship for many years before him, and he gave me the strength to get out of that relationship and move on.

I didn't feel very comfortable at first in our relationship, because he would constantly talk about other girls he dated, and it was obvious he had had his fair share of girlfriends. He would sometimes go into graphic detail (entirely unprovoked) about past sexual experiences, and it really hurt me. But, I loved him so much, and I was still in the mindset that it was okay to feel bad about myself in order to be with someone. He would meet up with girls he had dated/slept with before me, and I was always made to be uncomfortable by this, especially when I'd find out about it well after the fact.

We dated for around a year, and then I moved across the country, and he stayed put. I was worried he was going to be meeting up with exs while I was out of town (I found out later he did, but he tells me it was all entirely innocent). I found out while we were apart that he had given me two STD's. It was a hard strain on our relationship, as I felt like he was cheating on me, though he swore that he wasn't. It turned out that the HPV he gave me had started to form precancerous cells in my cervix, and that made me feel stupid and dirty for trusting him and being intimate with him. We worked through these issues and three months later, he moved to be with me. We were only living together for about a month when I found out I was pregnant. This obviously came as a huge shock to us, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but he told me if I wanted us to stay together, then I had to have the baby. I loved him so much, I agreed to have his baby. I wanted to get married since we were keeping the baby, but he refused.

Shortly after we found out about the pregnancy, maybe five days later, he had to fly home because his mother was ill, and this left me in a very bad situation. I had to stop anxiety medication I was on for 8 years cold turkey, and I was suffering from severe morning sickness, so I was a mess. We fought a lot while he was gone, but when he finally came home, things felt okay again. He had to leave another time a few months later, to take care of stuff back home and tell his friends/family about the baby in person. While he was gone, I was fired from my job for being pregnant.

I was an emotional wreck during the pregnancy, crying a great deal, feeling worthless and alone. He didn't always help the fact, because he always talked about the other girls he dated, how some of them were models, and that made me feel insecure since I was so big/unappealing as a pregnant woman. I found out during this time that when he would travel back home, he would meet with one of the girls he slept with for coffee, and when he told her I was pregnant, she started crying. I guess what upset me there is that fact that he couldn't have been honest with me about meeting with her, and that he waited something like five months to tell me about it.

He also left me to go to Vegas for a guys weekend when I was 6 1/2 months pregnant, even though I begged him not too. He mentioned that he was going to go dancing at clubs, and said that he wouldn’t be able to stop women from dancing with him, and that really upset me. I also just felt like he didn’t deserve any more breaks from my pregnancy. I couldn’t take a weekend away, why should he? While he was gone, I had an accident and needed to go to the hospital because I was bleeding, but I had no friends or family to drive me, and when I finally got there, the doctors couldn't find the baby's heartbeat initially, and I was all alone and afraid that we had lost the baby. Everything turned out okay, the baby is fine, but it hurt me a lot that even when I had a crisis, he couldn't come home.

After our baby was born, I suffered a great deal of postpartum depression, and he wasn't entirely helpful or understanding during this time. I began to resent him, because he was giving up nothing, and I had given up everything. He still had all his friends and his job, while the whole reason I moved across country in the first place was to further my career, and now I was going to be changing diapers and breastfeeding a baby instead. We eventually moved back home when the baby was a few months old, and he immediately fell back into his old lifestyles. He would go out drinking with his friends until late at night and not come home until 3:30 in the morning. I would tell him that I didn't want him doing these things repeatedly, but he would continue to do them. The only time he considered stopping was when I threatened to leave with the baby.

I had started to tell him that I didn't want to hear about other girls he dated anymore, because it made me feel like he didn't respect me, but he didn't listen. Everywhere we went, he mentioned how he took some girl here, or some weird story about some random sexual encounter. One night, he kept talking about this girl, the same girl who started crying when she found out I was pregnant and I lost my cool. I told him that I didn't want him talking to this girl again, along with other girls, because I felt threatened, and I also felt that he should make compromises for our relationship, since I gave up what I wanted to do with my life to bring his baby into this world. After a long fight, he agreed. But I would still find her sending our baby outfits or commenting on pictures on facebook, and it made me jealous.

He proposed to me in January, we set a date to get married. We fought a lot about these two specific girls, one I had mentioned before, and one who he had dated right before me. He told me I had nothing to worry about, that he wasn't really in contact with them. Last month, during a fight, I found out that he had lied to me about who he had slept with. That there were several girls he introduced me to while I was pregnant that he said were just friends, but turned out he actually slept with them. I didn't understand why he lied to me. He had told me that he hadn't been with anyone for a very long time before he met me, but it turned out he slept with someone just a month or so before we met, and he didn't use protection. Then I found out that throughout our entire relationship, he had met up with exs, for apparently innocent lunches or to grab coffee, but entirely lied to me about it. I was livid, and I wrote these two exs very nasty emails. Telling them to respect my family and stop meeting up with my fiance. One girl contacted me back, and basically said that she was sorry he was cheating on me, but it hadn't been with her.

He then told me that he had met up with one specific girl twice since we've been back home - one time since we've been engaged. I was furious. He dragged the lying out so long, only telling me little bits over the course of weeks, that I entirely lost my cool. I flipped out, believing he was probably cheating on me, and called the girl and screamed at her. Then I broke his phone. I feel like such an idiot. But I couldn't believe he could leave me with his daughter everyday and go and spend time with other women, women he used to sleep with, then lie to me about it. Why would he have to lie? Why couldn't he just be honest with me? These are the women who are responsible for giving me STD's. I feel so stupid and dirty. Why couldn't he just give up something?

I know I shouldn't have called the girl and screamed at her, but he wouldn't listen to me all the times I asked him not to do these things to me in a more calm way. I felt pushed to the edge. I don't know if he ever cheated on me, I am not sure if I'll ever know for certain. He tells me everyday that he hasn't. But I don't believe him. And I am so scared to marry him. I love him. I want our family to thrive. We are seeing a couples counselor, but I can't get over these feelings. I’ve started taking Welbutrin and Vyvanse to try and tame these emotions and get everything back on track, but I still feel so hurt and angry.

I want to know what to do. How to get over the fact that he has been with other women, 13 total. I want to know how to get over the fact that he has lied to me about meeting up with these girls. I want to know how to stop feeling so worthless and unimportant in my relationship. I never wanted to have a baby at 23, unmarried, and completely dependent on my partner. I don't understand how he could disrespect me like this, and make me regret ever trusting him. I've done so much for him.

Please, tell me how to stop feeling threatened by his past. How I can stop caring about the other women he's slept with. Tell me if I am even justified in feeling upset.

[SlatkaMala]

You do have every reason to be upset. I think that this man is a sex addict and he is putting you at risk. Don't be afraid to cancel wedding plans. It is better to be alone with your baby than to have to worry about a man who is so disrespectful.

[tattoogirl33]

Oh my.. I truly feel for you!! I'm in similar shoes as you and am unsure as to what to do as well!! I'm 33 and the man I'm suposed to spend the "rest of my life with" was with another woman (one he KNEW I didn't like) while I was prego with our son!! And now.. here I am 7 years later with a beautiful son (who will be 7 tomorrow , still living in a separate house from my "beloved", with no engagment ring, but even just today was made many more promises of a better tomorrow... blah blah blah...

I, like you, have been dreaming a nice family life, but also like you, he hasn't stopped talking to his past partners... as a matter of fact I caught him in March 2010 with txt messages planing to meet up with a woman he dated in HIGH SCHOOL!! He's 39 years old!! Wow.. I'm triggerin myself here...

Anyhow.. I feel you pain and confusion and know how hard it is to let go of the past.. but like I say to "mine" how can I let go of his past when he won't ? I see no reason for these men to be even saying hi to these women in passing!! JMO

[Emotionally Dead]

I want you to know, that I read your post thoroughly and I am so sorry you are going through this. What I have to say may be difficult for you to hear, but you need to hear it..

I will say one thing about this guy, it's good that he is not abusive like the one before. I am so happy you aren't in one of those relationships again. A lot of guys like to feed off of what other people have done and continue it. Plus, a lot of women (and men too) have problems by finding people that do the same thing as the ones in the previous relationship. So again, I give him credit for not abusing you physically.

With that being said, this is not the guy for you. He seems completely untrustworthy to me. I don't believe a word he has said to you and I don't even know him. How would you get an STD from him if he isn't being sexually active with other people? Maybe it's something from before, but it's best not to be with someone who is going to give you an STD anyways. For example, my EX was cheating on me and I got Strep Throat from HER. It was the worst case of Strep Throat my Doctor had ever seen, I was out of work for a long time (and at the time I didn't know I was being cheated on) and I could have died had it turned into Scarlatina or something worse. Turns out while I had Strep Throat she was cheating on me then too.

But anyways (since this is about you, not me) I just feel like that this really isn't the right relationship for you to be in, and I would be very worried if you actually married this jerk.. I guess it's possible that he could be telling the truth but he is still a jerk if he decides to see these women WITHOUT your approval. Marriage is about sacrifice and he isn't making any, YOU ARE. You have EVERY right to be upset, angry, and all of the above. The fact that he talks about these girls, and even about his sexual encounters, is obnoxious and just terrible. You don't say those kind of things around someone you're going to marry, which just leads me to believe that he IS cheating. There's just too many question marks here...

I guess you could try to get some counseling together. Maybe things will come out as to why he does these things and it will be fine, but I still believe it won't work and I think that you have went from one extreme (abuse) to another. I am sorry to say, because I know you deserve someone that will treat you right especially after all you've gone through but this guy just isn't. I know he isn't abusing you but it is almost just as bad that he could be cheating on you with every woman he can get his hands off, and even if he isn't he obviously has no care for your feelings and given the situations you've been in he should understand how you feel.

I don't know what else I have to offer. I just think that this is a player and that you need to get yourself out of the situation but it's easier said than done. You won't be able to get over the stuff he has lied about, unless you just ignore it, and that's not good in a relationship. Relationships need to be open and honest and even though it's coming from your end it ISN'T from his.

I am still at awe about how angry it made me just by reading the post, because I can tell the kind of person he is. I just wish you all the best, and I hope my post didn't upset you or anything like that but it's just how I feel. Keep us updated, and again hope it all goes well for you and you find the right path and take it .

I'm sorry you are going through this, but wondering why you'd want to be with this guy.
You know he's lied to you.
You fight a lot from what it sounds like.
He doesn't take responsibility for his actions - those women are not responsible for giving you STDs. He gave you the STDs.
What is it that you do like about him or love about him? I know he is the father of your child, but that should not be the only reason you marry him.
please think about what you are doing and what you really want and deserve - it is definitely better than what this guy is giving you.

[PleaseHelp]

I have to agree with everything that has been said.

You deserve so much better than this guy. And so does your child. I know that sounds so much easier said than done. Wishing you the best of luck.

[salukigirl]

While I do agree that I'm glad you're out of an abusive relationship - I hate to say it, but this is abuse as well. It does sound like there are some issues going. I don't accept cheating ever. ESPECIALLY after being engaged! Why get engaged to someone if you still feel the need to be with other women?

I don't know about the number. My bf and I don't talk about the actual number bc it just creates jealousy. However, these are women he was with before we knew each other.

And justified isn't even a strong enough word. He has absolutely broken your trust in multiple ways. I agree that it's better to be a single mom and not have to worry about your own health (spreading STDs) than to be with a guy who feels fine doing that stuff to you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Know that we are here for you if you need us. There are plenty of places there for support of women that are in your same position. I really hope you can figure something out bc getting married to this man is setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.