[SadJames]

Hi,my wife and I are going through a really bad time in our marriage right now. We have both been working on it really hard. She has developed a friendship with a guy she works with and swears there is nothing there. She spends evenings texting him and emailing him when we are together. I haven't seen any emails or texts suggesting anything deeper than friendship but she has been hiding her email and phone lately.

Is it a good idea to email him and let him know we are working on it and I would appreciate him to back off? I don't want to be a jerk and if she leaves me in the end, I don't want this to be the reason. I have always trusted her before but also been the jelous type as we..

Any thoughts??

[lynn P.]

There's a fine line with having friends of the opposite sex/coworkers, when you're in a committed relationship. I don't think it's appropriate for her to be emailing and tending her phone while she with you at home. If you email him, I think this would make things worse. She also shouldn't be telling him problems between you/her and instead should be working on your relationship.

Tell her you're not comfortable with this level of contact. Do you think she told him that you were breaking up at some point?? She should be bonding primarily with you. Maybe couples counseling would be a good idea.

[Leed]

I can understand where this would cause trouble BUT - if she's like me, she gets along better with guys than women because women are catty and back-stabbing. I can say that because I'm a woman! When you get a bunch of women together, it never fails that they're going to talk about another WOMAN. I don't like this kind of crap. When you talk with men, they talk about other things - life's problems, the state of the world, politics, sports, etc. They aren't cutting down their so-called friends! So I get along better with a guy for a friend than I do with women for friends.

Just because she has a guy for a friend does NOT mean she's plotting & planning on hooking up with him, and leaving YOU. But I can see where you might think that.

Your problem is lack of communication. The two of you just plain DO NOT TALK. Sit down, and have a heart to heart talk -- discuss this WITHOUT getting angry. Let her tell you about him - and I'll bet you'll find out that he's just a friend. Maybe she'll want you to meet him and the two of you can become friends too! But don't take her friend away from her. LOL You two don't need to bud up and go get drunk. LOL

Talk it out and see what happens. You might be surprised. Hugs, Lee

[SadJames]

We are in counseling. The counselor told her the same thing but she sees no problem in having someone to go to.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=183436

This is the thread with the rest of the story. Basically, today she is out with a group from work doing paperwork that has to be finished. I am all alone today and feeling really bad about the situation. I just don't know what to do with myself.

I thought maybe emailing him would explain the story in case she hasn't told it all. I don't think she is looking for anything further than a friend. But I don't know.

[SadJames]

Leed, that is what she has always told me. She can't talk to women as much. I feel she has been secretive about it and hides her communications with him from me. I am a very insecure person having had relationships end very badly in the past. I feel like I have pushed her away with the whole depression thing and now she is finding connections with anyone but me in order to get away.

[lynn P.]

That's good you're in counseling. Behind jealousy is fear -you're afraid of her getting connected and hurt from past relationships - afraid of losing her. Let her know nicely about this insecurity you have. Maybe you and your wife can enjoy special time together - going out on a date or a hobby you both like. You can also send her nice emails/texts.

[SadJames]

I'm afraid we are beyond any healing. That is what she keeps telling me. She basically wants nothing to do with me anymore. For which I cannot blame her. I made mistakes as well as her, but she thinks I crossed a line.

Today is just a bad day for me because she is out with her friends. I always develop a paranoia that she is with her guy friend and making plans to leave. Now I'm all alone for the day and my friend wants me to go get fitted for a tux for his wedding. I really don't want to go out today. So i'm just kind of sitting here running through all of this in my mind.

Long day for sure.

[slinks]

SadJames,

You sound just like the exact opposite of my situation. In other words I sound like you and my husband sounds like your wife. He has always gotten along better with women, he spends time on his phone texting...I don't even know, I just know it isn't me and that causes me no end of anxiety. I can not get my husband to start therapy with me, so I guess there you have one up on me, but try not to give up on your relationship and keep trying to be supportive and understanding and keep working on it as long as she is willing. I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope the best for you!!

[littlebitlost]

Your wife needs to redirect her attention to YOU. Instead of txting/emailing while YOU are together, she should be paying attention to you and focusing on working on your relationship.

If she is hiding her phone/email it could be because she feels you are intrusive, OR because she DOES have something to hide. I get a little defensive when my hubby is looking over my shoulder when Im chatting/emailing. I have nothing to hide. Just makes me feel weird. (we have some laptop use issues also)

You have to take her at her word that there is nothing inappropriate there, and it is HER place to tell the guy that she is working on her marriage, and is simply not interested in anything more, in case he does have the wrong idea.

But it takes 2 to tango, and if she does end up letting something happen, it is her fault as much as it is his. You need to work out if YOU are willing to accept her close friendship at a delicate time in your relationship, and TALK to her about this. Advice from us here at PC is fine, but you need to be having the conversation with your wife.

x GL!

[SadJames]

Thanks for the words. I'm eager for the next counseling meeting this coming Friday. I am just worried and have always been an extremely jeleous even before this. I just hope our situation is not beyond repair. I like the idea of being able to get input through this forum and welcome any advice, positive or negative.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I think it's not so much of having a friendship with a guy that is what bothers me about the post, it's that she's communicating with him when she should be working on things with you.
My husband is also the very jealous type and I do have male co-workers that I go to break with etc. But, I don't take time away from my husband to be contacting them, just like I don't take time away from him with my female friends.

I guess I don't think the issue is so much whether she is spending all this time communicating with her friend (it doesn't matter male or female) it's that she isn't working on repairing your marriage...

[SadJames]

This is the way I feel. She avoids the topic whenever I bring it up.