[Citycity1974]

Im 37 and have been married for two years. She is truly a tremendous woman, but I have never had those romantic type feelings for her. Intimacy with her has always been a struggle but I just deal with it. I know I know "then why did you marry her dummy" The fact is she had become kind of my best friend and I was confused on what to do. She would always bring up the topic of marriage, and if I didnt have an answer, she would get depressed and not talk to me. I suppose , to keep this short, I had decided that either those feelings were not all that important, or perhaps they would grow with time....neither were true sadly.
I dont want to go on and on. I guess all I want is to see if there is anyone else out there who can relate.
Thanks for your time

[littlebitlost]

Sorry, can't relate, but couldn't click past without saying something.

You should be true to yourself AND your wife.

I broke up with a man I was engaged to because my feelings changed. We are now best mates. Not that pretty for all, but GL

[Leed]

I was married for 26 years to a man I didn't love. Lets just say that I was pushed into marriage by my folks - I was 18 at the time, and NO I was not pregnant. He ended up to be a real jerk, and emotionally abusive, big time.

I was an idiot to stay that long, but he threatened that he'd take away our kids if I left. I believed him cause he was capable of doing it. So i stayed until the youngest was 18, and then I left. I thought he'd kill me, but I left anyway. He stalked me & called at all hours of the night but it was WELL WORTH it. The freedom I felt was wonderful

No, it wasn't fair to him to marry him. It wasn't fair to me either to allow my parents to push me into it. No one wins.

I doubt if your marriage has been what one would call "happy." I imagine she has known that something has been wrong -- she MUST be able to tell. Don't wait until you have many years invested -- cut your losses and put an end to it now. I hope you don't have any children. Be kind to her and let her go and find someone who LOVES her. She deserves that. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee

I left my husband of 3 years of not being in love with him. We both were at an age of wanting to get married and feeling a bit desperate. After a while of being in more of a "roommate" situation...I realized I couldn't waste my life like that...it wasn't fair to either one of us. I think "settling" is a big mistake and you're obviously having issues with it or you wouldn't have posted. Why waste your time when there might be someone out there who you could be in love with...and you are wasting your wife's time too and if she's such a good woman she doesn't deserve that.

[Elana05]

I'll offer another opinion here...
You already feel close enough to this woman that she feels like a friend and someone you admire. This is really big and a good basis for companionship. Why has intimacy been a struggle? Do you believe there may be things inside of you that you need to take a deeper look at? Does she have problems with intimacy? Have you tried therapy separately or together? Therapy could be very helpful in working on these issues... Sending many supportive thoughts your way.

[slinks]

I think I have to kinda agree with Elana05.... I think that if you guys are like best friends, then you can do things to help love along and learn to really be happy, but it all depends on attitude. I hope for the best for you and her!

[SadNJNY]

I can absolutely relate to your situation.
You just described my marriage to my ex-wife to a tee.
Basically a very good woman and we were great friends.

But I too never actually felt that I was "in" love with her.
(And I never really felt she was in love with me either.)
I knew it that back then as much as I know it now.
I ignored my feelings, even while we were dating.
I also hoped I would "learn" to fall in love with her.
And I bet the feeling was the same on her end.
We really did get along so well on so many levels.
But something just didn't click romantically.
We married anyway. Maybe we were too young, too insecure
and merely "settled" for each other. Or maybe we were only
meant to be friends and not romantically linked.
To this day, I don't really know. But I do know our foundation
was extremely weak and was destined to crack, which it did.

I never cheated, but eventually I'd find myself daydreaming
about other women because of what was lacking at home:
true love, intimacy, communication. Is that happening to
you as well?

But enough about me. This thread is for your benefit. I've
only described my marriage to illustrate how I didn't face my
true feelings while my inner voice was screaming out for me to
do exactly that. I strongly suggest you face your feelings now.
It's really unfair to both of you to continue if something is
just not there for you. You shouldn't try to force your feelings
(as I did). Again, unfair to both of you in the long run.

Keep in mind that I am NOT by any means suggesting
you break up. But I do strongly suggest talking to a therapist on
your own to sort out all your feelings (and lack of feelings).

Like I said, I can totally relate to what you're saying.
And I'm sincerely sorry you find yourself struggling with this.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss further.