[pammie]

My SIL is my husbands brothers 2nd wife, 1rst died of cancer at a young age. I likes SIL 1 OK. SIL 2 is from another country but speaks the language well with an accent. She has been married to my BIL for about 3 years. My DH always thought this woman was cold and prayed she really loved my BIL as he is a heck of a nice guy. We were concerned she wanted a green card and his money. She is very materialistic and looks and appearances are everything to her. She visits several times a year and each time we try our best to be gracious hosts and take them out to dinner at least once per visit. Last mothers day, while at dinner at our country club, my SIL stated that my 9 year old daughter wastes too much food and eats like a pig. I was shocked and hurt , made a lame attempt at supporting my daughters picky eating habits and let it slide. She later apologized. The last visit a few weeks ago, after returning from a dinner we paid for, she approached me in my kitchen and asked me why I don't tell my 11 year old daughter to eat better because she is overweight. She asked me why I don't tell her that she will never get a man because of the way she looks and she will never have nice cloths that fit properly. She also said she looked better a few years ago, pretty and thin ( she was on Adderal at the time for ADHD and lost 6 lbs ). The thing is. my daughter is not rail thin but not overweight, just a tall, big kid.

My BIL just called and asked if they could visit and stay overnight because my SIL's sister is visiting and they want to see a local attraction. I just could not say yes to this visit. My feelings are hurt from the last visit. She is rude and goes out of her way to point out or dig up something negative to say to me. Now, all hell broke loose because I said no and my husband would like it to all just disappear. He's not good at confrontation. I feel he could support me and our daughter a little more in this case. As usual, I will look like the bad guy. Am I out of line here? Did I make too much of a big deal about this? My only regret is that I didn't tell her to go to hell during the original conversation. In my opinion, it's just not nice to say something like that about someone else's kid. Any comments would be appreciated because I don't know how to proceed.

welcome, pammie.

you have to take care of yourself and your daughter. if your husband refuses to step up and defend you...do it yourself. i imagine everyone in the family, including her husband, knows that she's a pain in the ---. good for you for saying "NO".

[BlueFaith]

In my opinion, you SIL was nothing but rude. She's the one who's outta line. Not you! I'd have done the same thing. They wouldn't be visiting me until the SIL learned some manners. Good Lord, what a jerk she is. I wouldn't worry about looking like the bad guy, because you did what's right. They can either get over it and realize the SIL messed up.... or just stay away. I say, Good for you!

[MacD]

This might be a good opportunity to try "diplomatic honesty". It's hard to say, but if you say it honestly, perhaps feelings would be spared. I would tell the SIL that "While you're entitled to your own personal opinion of what is & isn't overweight, my family would appreciate it if you kept that opinion just that.....personal. It hurts my feelings and it hurts my child. If this request can be respected, then you are welcome to visit"......(I understand this one intimately because my beautiful 9 yr old has always been taller and bigger than her classmates).....take care.....grace

[pammie]

Thanks for all the comments. I needed that!!! I was not feeling validated until now. I think, as someone put it very simply, it is a matter of just plain manners. Something I try to teach my young children. To be kind, to be nice and if something nice cannot be said, say nothing. I have a right to be upset at what my SIL said about my dd, I don't want to be treated like that anymore. I just wish I would have spoken up when she originally said it. I'll work on that and maybe next time I will! Thanks for your kind replies.

[Lexicon78]

I think it's great that you are standing up for yourself and your daughter. This world needs more people like you in it. I think you did the right thing by saying no, also. It shows that you will not allow anyone to put down the people you love and you won't put up with their crap, either.

Good for you!

[pammie]

Thanks Lexicon 78. My BIL has been calling to explain that my SIL had no idea she said anything wrong and it was all a misunderstanding! I'm dodging his phone calls for now as I stink at verbal confrontation but do see it as a way to get some things off my chest and clear the air. I'm doing mental push-ups!!!

[kimmydawn]

Hi, pammie, and welcome!

I think you did a great thing. It appears that every time they visit she's inappropriate in one manner or another.

I feel my home is my "safe place" for me and my children. Good at you for standing up for your baby!

I would suggest to any other family members that feel you've "done wrong" that they allow them to visit there! Problem solved!

You did your best, but how awesome of you to know when boundaries are crossed and to stand up for you and yours!

Again, welcome and gl!

KD

[nothemama8]

The next time you talk to SIL explain that in your home and this country it is inappropriate behavior to hurt and insult the children and hostess , if she continues you will be forced to stop all visits and calmly tell her you want your children to respect others by example ( hope I'm saying this right )

[pammie]

Mama8 and Kimmy, Thanks for your input. BIL called last night to apologize for the " misunderstanding ". I explained to him that HE had nothing to apologize for and there was NO misunderstanding.

He went on to say he believes there was a cultural misunderstanding and my SIL was simply engaging in a " philosophical " conversation about my daughters " weight " problem ( his words ). I explained that my daughter does not have a weight problem and I disagreed on his spin on the problem. I told him I thought his wife was rude and inappropriate. I told him she had no business even talking to me about my daughters size be it big or small. I told him that I know he loves our kids and we love him. I told him I do not feel the same about his wife as she is relatively new to the family which is all the more reason she should not be discussing these things with me in such a maligning way. We agreed to disagree as he continued to support his wife.

SIL got on the phone to apologize for the " "misunderstanding ". I told her there was no misunderstanding!!! I told her in order for us to move forward, boundaries must be put in place. I asked her, in the future, to refrain from saying anything about my kids, my husband and myself unless it's nice. (covering all my bases while I have a chance!!! ) I told her she hurt my feelings and is not allowed to talk to me this way again. I accepted her apology and we hung up.

Glad that's over! I felt good about getting all that stuff off my chest. I felt I may have been a little harsh as I stink at confrontation. This comes from growing up in a super-dysfunctional family where I had no rights and was NEVER able to express my opinions for fear of punishment. It has been a lifelong struggle.

I did it the best I could.

I would like to thank all you kind, understanding people for helping me deal with this problem. I appreciate it more than I can say. Happy New Year!

[CJR520]

You did good !!! This has happened so many times in our family. Yeah for you !!!

[dutchess]

good on ya hun but can i ask where has she come from xx

[pammie]

Ukraine--Kiev to be exact.