[Farmer4]

Hi, thanks for reading this and your advice is appreciated. My husband and I have been married for about 12 years. We have 4 children, all 10 and under. Our life has been hectic from day one & still is. I have used that as an excuse for both myself & my husband to have a not so good marriage. We got married when my husbands dad was diagnosed with cancer & had kids a year and a half later...He took over the farm, which his family hasn't made easy, and medical bills have put a real strain on things. For 8 years I worked during the day and he worked an evening shift so we didn't have daycare, I thought most of our problems were from these things. About 5 years ago when we had fought, my husband threatened to commist suicide-wow did that put me back a ways, he has done this occassionally (every 6-9 months or so since). He will say that I push him to that point...from what he will tell me is it could all be fixed if I was a more sexually aggressive person. I have always been very basic in that regards, possibly due to the fact that an elder at church inappropriately touched me around 4th grade & then as a freshman I was date raped by my first boyfriend-so yes, I'm a prune & always have been. However when I do begin to open up, something happens, whether it's that he complains that there wasn't enough forplay, he thinks I should have started things, to boring, he didn't think it lasted long enough, whatever it is...Then the walls go up!!! I have told him if he threatens to commit suicide again, the kids and I are gone...he said if I didn't want him to do it by shooting himself, he'd just eat nothing but fried food from now on-for the past 3 years he has had symptoms of heart disease, which make him uncomfortable at times. I'm just really at a loss...I'm putting up walls and don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to just leave, but financially I'm not in good position to do that. A year ago he mentioned counseling, but financially we couldn't do it, I mentioned it now & he said since I didn't do it before and make it work, then he's not doing it now. Do I just go to see if I'm the crazy one? I don't know what to do. Thanks for your help and advice!

[Perna]

Hi, Farmer4, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

Sounds like you and your husband have a tough situation. Your husband claims all you all's problems are because of your sexual issues? You know that is not so! But I cannot think how you can help him against his will. I would keep trying to talk to him but also work on other aspects; see if I could figure out a way financially to support myself and my children in the future, if it becomes necessary. Do you all go to church or belong to any other social organizations or do you know other older men who might "counsel" your husband, help him feel more balanced and better understand your situation?

It is not all your fault! Do you have any friends you can talk to, older women you can ask advice from? It does not sound like his family is very supportive of you all, how about your family?

[Leed]

Hi Farmer 4 ~ Bless your heart, your husband is using unfair tactics in order to hold you hostage. I don't believe for a minute that he intends on commiting suicide, but you never know.

Please - if there is ANY way possible, go see a therapist. You have got to get your POWER back. He has taken it away from you (actually you allowed him to). I did the same thing when I was married to my 1st husband. But I went to therapy and in a short time I got my power back, and was able to see that I was NOT at fault. You are not either. What happened to you with the elder at church and then with the boyfriend makes it understandable that you'd be reluctant in the sex department!!! I too was molested but it was by a THERAPIST -- so I also was reluctant in that department, and my husband also blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in the marriage.

Please get some therapy even if it's just a short time. You have to be validated and know that you're ok. Plus you could use a little help. Your husband is using some unfair & downright lousy tactics. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee