[Fanatiqual]

I have been married for 8 years, mostly happy, at least as happy as i can generally get. I served 6 years in the military and have dealt with ptsd and depression and extreme anxiety since i have come home. I thought things would get better over time but i was completely wrong. My wife does not understand that sometimes i have no real control over my emotions, i am sometimes hard to live with and i can acknowledge that but i try. I try very hard to be like everyone else but i cant seem to just get by. Things with my wife are worse than ever, i have had three panic attacks in the past 4 months and im worried that sooner, rather than later i will lose all control of my emotions. I am afraid and every time i try to talk to my wife about it she dismisses it and then starts to get on my case about other things i am doing that upset her (not doing dishes....etc...... ) it is so hard to just get up and out of bed most days. I have two children, a 4 year old daughter and a 6 month old son. I have not been able to connect with my son, to me it almost seems surreal that he is even here, almost like i am dreaming. my daughter i am trying to connect with but i find myself getting angry at the smallest things. I am never violent towards anyone i know but i am a large muscular man who when angry can be quite imposing.
yesterday my daughter drew a picture of a cloud with an angry face and there were rain drops falling from it, she said it was me when i cry. i have never felt worse in my entire life. My father was a bastard drunk who beat the crap out of me and my brother on almost a daily basis until he left when i was around 10.
i know i am rambling but i dont know where else to go. i am terrified of the future. i see everyone as an enemy, even my own family. i just want to be normal, i just want to have children who dont fear me and a wife who can accept me and not attack me incessantly.
i am lost, i do not see a future for me and even on "good" days i think my life will end soon.
now that my daughter is old enough to see and understand that "daddy is sad" i dont know what to do.
if anyone reads this i would be extremely thankful for any sort of help or opinions.
i barely mentioned my son, and its because i barely think of him and i feel aweful for writing that but its the truth. its almost as if he doesnt exist to me.
i have seen many doctors and have tried many medicines but nothing ever seems to work.
if anyone has any words of encouragement i could really use them now.
thank you for reading this.

[dragonfly2]

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now. Having a new baby at home is stressful enough as it is, in addition to the post-military pain and trauma you are dealing with. You mentioned that you didn't find any relief with medications. Are you currently in any sort of therapy?

It is not right for your wife to dismiss your fears and feelings. It sounds like she may be somewhat caught up in her own post-baby stress and might not understand why you aren't feeling well. I know this may sound odd, but men can suffer from post-partum depression. Did you know that? I sure didn't. Not until my own husband became depressed after the birth of our first child. I had the baby, went back to work after 6 weeks, but then he took 6 weeks off from work because of depression. I had a hard time understanding that and was admittedly a little resentful at the time.

A couple of things stood out to me from your post:

I have not been able to connect with my son, to me it almost seems surreal that he is even here, almost like i am dreaming.

I will begin this sentence by saying that I am *not* a mental health professional, but from my own experience, this sounds to me like you may be experiencing a form of dissociation. Your inability to feel a connection to your son may be due to your mind's own defense mechanisms and is not any reflection of how much you care for him. States of depersonalization and derealization can leave you feeling like you are walking in a dream, or that you are not connected to your own body. It can make the environment you are in feel, look, and sound fake and very foreign. If this is ringing true for you, you may want to check out www.dpselfhelp.com . It is a good site, much like PC, but just for people suffering from these forms of detachment.

Another statement in your post has me concerned:

even on "good" days i think my life will end soon.

I will come out and say it: are you suicidal? If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, please, please tell someone there who can help and keep you safe. Your children need you so much. I know how hard it is to hear our children's responses to our sadness. It hurts like hell. But kids are very resilient and your daughter will be fine, so long as you keep her daddy safe. If you feel like hurting yourself and your wife won't listen to you, go to the ER. They will listen to you. They will help you stay safe. If I am way off base here, I apologize...but it had to be said.

Whether your depression is from the PTSD or the new baby or just coming up as a chemical illness on its own....keep trying. I know how hard it is to go from medicine to medicine and not seem to get anywhere. I have bipolar disorder and it took me years to finally get the right medication. Give it another try. Maybe a combination of meds would work better than just one.
And therapy. Therapy is very important. Yet, I understand how impossible it all seems if you feel like you can't get off the couch. One step at a time. Most of all, hang in there. You'll pull through this. Keep posting here at PC - we're here to listen.

[PaintTheRoses88]

I agree with dragonfly, it seems to me like you may need to consider going to the ER if you're feeling suicidal. You need to think about yourself, too. I'm sorry that the medications and doctors you've tried haven't worked. Do you think there is anything different you could try? Are there alternative forms of therapy you maybe haven't considered before?

I'm sorry your wife is apparently not taking you seriously. Perhaps you both might benefit from getting therapy together. If you go to regular sessions, I would suggest bringing her along so she can get a better idea of what you're going through. It could be a real eye-opener. If you don't have a regular therapist or regular sessions, I think you should definitely set something up. Have some realistic expectations though. Things won't change or improve overnight, but if you stick with it and make some lifestyle changes and try to think positively, things can get better.

As for not being able to connect with your son, it does sound quite a bit like you're suffering from a form of post-partum depression. It's not your fault! Again, something that might take some professional intervention to overcome, but not impossible.

I hope everything works out for you and keep on coming over to PC!

[NuckingFutz]

We also have a forum on here under PTSD for combat veterans. No one can know what it possibly feel like to be you. To feel what you go through on a daily basis.

I think the therapy that was brought up is a good idea for the 2 of you, but also get some support for PTSD as there are things you can learn that can help you manage it.

I wish you both the best of luck!

[Leed]

First, may I say THANK YOU for your service to our country!!! You don't know how much I appreciate that. I know it was hard for you, and now you're suffering from it.

You really need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you deal with your PTSD. You need someone to talk to who understands what you are going thru. Your wife doesn't seem to "get it" and it seems as tho she is minimizing it ~ perhaps later in your therapy, you can bring her into the sessions so that she appreciates what you've gone thru. Your doctor will dictate that.

I think you're a really nice guy who just needs someone who understands what PTSD is. A therapist can give you the help that you need. God bless you and again, THANK YOU. Hugs, Lee

[whitneyman]

As a person with PTSD I know How you feel when people will not listen to you or even try to under stand were your at. What I Did was went to my Doctor and picked up some pamphelet's on PTSD and My other mental Illnesses and laid them around the House. eventually my family picked them up and read them. I also noticed you said your Daughter drew you you a picture of a cloud with a sad face and tear's. I would think you could connect with her by every day drawing her a picture of how you feel about her or what kind of mood your in. And as a military person we are taught not to give up. Don't give up on Life or your Family seek some help and keep coming back here and talk about these thing's their are people here that are going threw the same thing's.