[Jenn1fer82]

I've been with a man for 2yrs now and for the last few months things are not feeling special anymore. I've been having these conflicting feeling for awhile now and its hard to reason with myself if I should leave. I look at myself in the mirror and I tell myself that I should just be brave already and just jump to make that choice, but I dont know what is that I want. Currently we are also in Couples Therapy. Alot of the things I listed on my cons list is hard for me to really figure out if thats how I feel. They are things that I've been thinking about but I just dont know what to make of them

I've listed below the pros and cons so please tell me what you think:

Pros:
He doesn't verbally and physically abuse me
He's understanding to my sexual needs and when I say no and doesn't push the issue
He understand why I hate majority of my family and he came to the rescue when I had to leave my family home as a emergency.
He's accepted the many health issues that I have: epilepsy
He takes me to all of my doctor visits and he gets involved in the process
He supports my education
He's put up with my anger and tantrums and loves me regardless
He supports my belief that I dont want to have kids
From time to time we still enjoy each other company and we can still laugh
He was willing to go through counseling therapy without fighting about it.


Cons:
-I think I might be staying with him because he is the only one who is still there for for my health. I am currently preparing for my brain surgery.
-Could I be staying with him because I'm scared to be alone?
-He doesn't have a a good paying job
-I currently carry the financial burden of the relationship
-He has 4 kids that lives in a different state and his child support is 50% of his check
-He lives with his sister where their mom pays for their rent. Both of them can't afford to live on their own
-I find myself being too understanding of his circumstances that I could be losing myself in the relationship
-I find myself thinking more about financial issues then the status of the relationship
-For the things that has happen in the past I have a very hard time trusting him especially with money
-He was fired from his last job bc of a positive drug test for meth. He told me he's never done drug before. i did my research and it said that its possible to get a false positive bc meth is made from over the counter drug so if someone took things like: sudafed and tylenol. Since then I just dont know what to believe.
-Months ago he took $30 from me and bluntly told me that I was crazy and that he didn't take my money. I pushed the issue and yes he did take my money.

My standards/expectations in my mate/bf/husband:
*what my bf meets my standards

I want a man that can financially provide for the family
To have a goal in life
To take charge of his life
Willing to try new things in life *
Loves kids and animals *
Has patience *
Wants to get involved in human rights *
Does not have addiction problems
Does not have a anger problem *

[salukigirl]

Sounds like you have already made up your mind. In my mind, I know if my bf tested positive for meth and he told me he didn't do it - I would believe him. What are the reasons you don't necessarily buy what he's telling you?

Can I ask how old you are? The thing is, is that men make fun of women for blowing their paycheck, but studies show men are actually the one's who are typically not good with money. Women tend to pay more attention to bills, how much is in their bank account, savings etc.... If you both are really young, he might just still be a little immature on the money side. However, the money here isn't really the issues. It's the fact that he lies to you about it.

Not to sound mean but he kind of sounds like a bum. First off - your pros should NEVER be that he doesn't abuse you. That is not a pro - that is a normal human being. I understand why you feel that way bc that's how I justified my last relationship. Having been in a physically abusive relationship, I thought - well he doesn't hit me so he must be awesome. Now I understand that that's not a pro - it's how people SHOULD be. Same goes for not pushing you to have sex. That is just a standard respect issue.

From looking at your "pros" list I don't see too many of the things you say you need from a mate. And personally, I don't see looking at money as so shallow like some people say it is. For most people (IMO) if you don't have a job, or a good paying job.....it stems from just not having the motivation to do something about it. Granted, in this economy you have to take what you can get....but is he even trying?

There is a book I think is really good for situations like this. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's hard to do the pros and cons bc certain aspects may be more important to you than others. And this book takes through 27 (I think) "diagnostic traits" for you to test out and see if your relationship meets those standards.

Also, you say that you enjoy each other's company "from time to time". Does that mean that most of the time you just tolerate him? I really hope you can work through these emotions. Maybe see your couples therapist alone for a session so you can openly say all of these things without worrying about his response?

[Direction]

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

My standards/expectations in my mate/bf/husband:
*what my bf meets my standards

I want a man that can financially provide for the family
To have a goal in life
To take charge of his life
Willing to try new things in life *
Loves kids and animals *
Has patience *
Wants to get involved in human rights *
Does not have addiction problems
Does not have a anger problem *

Your list is reasonable...if your not willing to lower these standards/expectations...then you have your answer

[Glimmerofhope]

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

I've been with a man for 2yrs now and for the last few months things are not feeling special anymore. I've been having these conflicting feeling for awhile now and its hard to reason with myself if I should leave. I look at myself in the mirror and I tell myself that I should just be brave already and just jump to make that choice, but I dont know what is that I want. Currently we are also in Couples Therapy. Alot of the things I listed on my cons list is hard for me to really figure out if thats how I feel. They are things that I've been thinking about but I just dont know what to make of them

I've listed below the pros and cons so please tell me what you think:

Pros:
He doesn't verbally and physically abuse me
He's understanding to my sexual needs and when I say no and doesn't push the issue
He understand why I hate majority of my family and he came to the rescue when I had to leave my family home as a emergency.
He's accepted the many health issues that I have: epilepsy
He takes me to all of my doctor visits and he gets involved in the process
He supports my education
He's put up with my anger and tantrums and loves me regardless
He supports my belief that I dont want to have kids
From time to time we still enjoy each other company and we can still laugh
He was willing to go through counseling therapy without fighting about it.


Cons:
-I think I might be staying with him because he is the only one who is still there for for my health. I am currently preparing for my brain surgery.
-Could I be staying with him because I'm scared to be alone?
-He doesn't have a a good paying job
-I currently carry the financial burden of the relationship
-He has 4 kids that lives in a different state and his child support is 50% of his check
-He lives with his sister where their mom pays for their rent. Both of them can't afford to live on their own
-I find myself being too understanding of his circumstances that I could be losing myself in the relationship
-I find myself thinking more about financial issues then the status of the relationship
-For the things that has happen in the past I have a very hard time trusting him especially with money
-He was fired from his last job bc of a positive drug test for meth. He told me he's never done drug before. i did my research and it said that its possible to get a false positive bc meth is made from over the counter drug so if someone took things like: sudafed and tylenol. Since then I just dont know what to believe.
-Months ago he took $30 from me and bluntly told me that I was crazy and that he didn't take my money. I pushed the issue and yes he did take my money.

My standards/expectations in my mate/bf/husband:
*what my bf meets my standards

I want a man that can financially provide for the family
To have a goal in life
To take charge of his life
Willing to try new things in life *
Loves kids and animals *
Has patience *
Wants to get involved in human rights *
Does not have addiction problems
Does not have a anger problem *

the fact u even need to post this and ask means its not right , sorry but true if u were that sure that he was the right one and the one for u , there would be no need , no one wnats to be alone but sometimes we have to be to build on ourselfs x

[Jenn1fer82]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

Sounds like you have already made up your mind. In my mind, I know if my bf tested positive for meth and he told me he didn't do it - I would believe him. What are the reasons you don't necessarily buy what he's telling you?

Can I ask how old you are? The thing is, is that men make fun of women for blowing their paycheck, but studies show men are actually the one's who are typically not good with money. Women tend to pay more attention to bills, how much is in their bank account, savings etc.... If you both are really young, he might just still be a little immature on the money side. However, the money here isn't really the issues. It's the fact that he lies to you about it.

Not to sound mean but he kind of sounds like a bum. First off - your pros should NEVER be that he doesn't abuse you. That is not a pro - that is a normal human being. I understand why you feel that way bc that's how I justified my last relationship. Having been in a physically abusive relationship, I thought - well he doesn't hit me so he must be awesome. Now I understand that that's not a pro - it's how people SHOULD be. Same goes for not pushing you to have sex. That is just a standard respect issue.

From looking at your "pros" list I don't see too many of the things you say you need from a mate. And personally, I don't see looking at money as so shallow like some people say it is. For most people (IMO) if you don't have a job, or a good paying job.....it stems from just not having the motivation to do something about it. Granted, in this economy you have to take what you can get....but is he even trying?

There is a book I think is really good for situations like this. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's hard to do the pros and cons bc certain aspects may be more important to you than others. And this book takes through 27 (I think) "diagnostic traits" for you to test out and see if your relationship meets those standards.

Also, you say that you enjoy each other's company "from time to time". Does that mean that most of the time you just tolerate him? I really hope you can work through these emotions. Maybe see your couples therapist alone for a session so you can openly say all of these things without worrying about his response?

I am 29 years old and he'll be turning 26 this year. He is trying to find a better job that will give him more hours. Its just hard for me to overlook the fact that a test from a lab came back positive. I tried to research and convince myself that he did get a false positive but I look at the facts and the test is hard to overlook. Most of his friends does drugs and its usually marijuana and sometimes I wonder if he'll ever get tempted to get involved in that lifestyle again. When I met him he had quit smoking marijuana which was his main drug. He quit because his work require ppl to be drug free and they give out random drug tests consistently. Since then he told me he just doesn't care for drugs anymore. He still hangs out with the same group of ppl but now with the results of the test its just hard for me to know what I should believe. I can understand how you can see him as a bum and at his current state I also view him the same way but I know before that he was a hard working man and always picked up extra shifts. Paying for child support which was almost 50% of his check he worked as much as possible to bring home a decent check to buy food and gas. Wow I never asked myself that question that maybe I am just tolerating him. At this time I feel I am bc he can't financially provide for himself and for us but I have to be understanding to his circumstances right now. Lately Ive been very tired of being that understanding gf. Sometimes I just want to take care of myself and think about my health which I'm in the process of preparing for brain surgery for epilepsy. There is a part of me that believes that I could be staying in the relationship to feel safe because of my epilepsy. Every man I've been with never showed the concern like my bf has for my health. I don't want to be alone during my recovery after the surgery. My family has abandon me and with that fall out with my family, my bf is my main support but at the same time I don't feel that type of special love right now. I'm sorry if I sound selfish and pitiful.

[salukigirl]

You do not sound selfish and pitiful. You sound like a human! I'm sorry you're going through this "alone". Granted, I don't think you're ever really "alone" but I understand how going through something like that could make you feel that way.

We are always here to support you and help you!