[jennie]

I'm relieved my brother went back home. Four days is just too long of a visit. Six years ago we were very close. Oh how much he has changed. Or maybe I'm just maturing enough to see him for who he truly is? It tortures me to listen to his conversations. I'm so passive, and I allow him to rattle on about things that irritate me.

#1 He always talks about his oldest child, who is now 20 years old, like she is the only child he has. He has three kids. He is a dead-beat dad. He always is late (sometimes months) in child support payments. He knows nothing about his 17 year old or 14 year old. All three of his kids have sexual abuse traumas but my brother has not helped them by getting them proper counseling.

#2 He has unprotected sex and doesn't tell his partners he is HIV positive. He is a sex addict. He always talks to me for hours, in much detail, about his love life. He tells me all his partner's flaws. He analyzes everything about their relationship and wants me to agree with him or help him analyze what's wrong to help him find his soulmate. He is 38 years old and thinks that going to gay clubs (2 times a week) to find his soulmate will work for him. He has been doing this since he was in his 20's . . . it hasn't worked once. He always talks about different guys; it's getting really old. How can he be in love with a different guy every few months???

#3 He is in denial about his substance abuse addiction. He used X, G, and meth for the past 4 years. I think it has killed one too many of his brain cells. Now he insists he only drinks alcohol. Yeah right!

#4 He always reminds me about past hurts from our childhood.

#5 His politics drive me batty.

Okay, I know I'm not perfect. My point is my brother drives me nuts. I can't stand to listen to him anymore. Why can't I be more assertive and tell him "Stop. I don't want to talk about this," or why can't I change the subject? Why do I allow him to visit longer than he is welcome? Why can't I tell him I think his values SUCK?

jennie, i have a brother with whom i have nothing in common. and his talk reminds me of things i'd rather not think about. i'm sorry that you are upset about your brother's visit. my solution has been to completely detach from my sibling. i know that isn't the answer for everyone, but it works for me. xoxoxo pat

[jennie]

Feels like my hubby and I don't have any family. Can't pick your family, but can pick your friends, huh?

Hi Jennie,
Whew! Feeling a little more like you can breathe again?

I have to agree with Pat. It's sometimes better to get away from certain people who suck the life out of you.

I was under the same kind of circumstance w/ a family member. Only it wasn't her values that bothered me, it was her always talking about her, her, her.
Ever feel like a forced audience to a show you have no interest in because you've already seen it a hundred times before?

I think you're afraid of conflict and so you don't say anything to him about what you'd really like to.
I did say something to my sibling and it went right over her head the first two times and the third time-I guess, I got a little more assertive about it and she did not take too kindly to that at all.
Would not meet me half way so I've bailed out.
If and when you do decide to say something, don't apologize for it in the aftermath. No matter what his reaction may be.
I made the mistake of doing that and overexplaining myself to the point I made myself be in the wrong for saying something in the first place.
I really regret that. I didn't stick to my guns.
Stick to your guns.

[Kiba]

You'll never be able to stop loving someone like 'your brother'. The best you can do is tell him that you hate the way he is now. I think honesty is the best policy.

[jennie]

Jax . . . you're right. I am afraid of conflict. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I feel responsible for reminding him he has 2 kids that need him. I feel horrible for not reprimanding him for not practicing safe sex and for not telling his partners he's HIV positive.

what he's doing with sexual partners isn't your problem, jennie. and of course that is horrifying, but it's not your load to bear. it's his. he's irresponsible and a twit. so is my brother. i have told him what i think of his values (he has none) and we have no contact. other than him tearing down my property and destroying all of my treasures this year. i'm going to take action on that one. i'm suing him.

please don't guilt yourself out about this. i was run out of a lumber store because my last name is the same as his. i was mortified and then when i thought about it....the pain eased. it's his reputation, not mine. i did the guilt thing. and it didn't help one thing.
love, pat

He's well aware of what he's doing. He doesn't need to be reprimanded by you. That's really not your responsibility. He's a grown man.

You worry about you.
(((((Jennie)))))))

[CJR520]

I would tell him that the next visit to your home will be different. You will not be listening to his sexually explicit talk, don't want to hear about his partners. Then, tell him he has 3 children, and you would like to hear about all of them equally. My guess would be that two of them have chosen to stay away from him because he is embarrassing, so that is why he doesn't have much to say about him. What do you think? You have to do what makes you comfortable, and just tell him what is acceptable in your home. Good Luck!!