[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 8 months. He treats me wonderfully. Does anything and everything I ever want or ask for, treats my daughter (whom is not his by blood) like his own, he makes me laugh all the time, we ALWAYS finish eachothers sentenses and we always say the same thing at the same time. He's amazing and makes me so happy. But I have insecurity problems and they are effecting our relationship.

I used to weight over 200 pounds but have since lost 80 pounds putting me at the low/healthy weight range. Before the weight gain when I was a toothpick with the perfect flat belly I still wore shirts into the pool, shirts non stop no matter the activity, I never wanted others to see my stomach or breasts. Since I lost the weight I now have all of this extra skin I have to carry with me and since being pregnant with my daughter had me at my absolute highest weight, I have stretchmarks everywhere. It's horrible and makes my insecurities much worse.

So I hate my body and don't want to see it. Naturally however my boyfriend does. We have been sexually active for a year and a half and I still wear my shirt, cover myself when he comes in the room and pull away from him EVERY time he tries to life my shirt up the slightest bit. I know this upsets him, he told me it does and I want to stop.

I want to be more confident, more comfortable with my body so I can give that back to him since he gives me SO much, but something is stopping me. I'm not sitting there thinking every time "if he sees my body he will leave" sometimes I'm thinking nothing, it's just reflex to turn away, to block his attempts and to say no to him. I've been doing it my entire life.

Has anyone else had trouble with insecurities such as these effecting a relationship? I just don't even know how to get over the insecurities to start to work with him on this. Any advice on this would be so much appreciated! I don't want to lose him and I know I wont from this but I can't keep making him settle for bare minimum. I want to be there for him fully I just don't know how. Thank you in advance for any comment or advice!

[Direction]

I'm currently in the middle of not feeling comfortable with my body. No advice...but wishing for you to feel more comfortable about things.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Most on here will be in the same boat in one way or another I am sure. It seems to go hand in hand, insecurities and mental illnesses. Didn't realize it would be one of the hardest of my self battles I'm in.

[allme]

Hi,

I used to be like that with my husband...it took time but eventually, little by little I let him see more of me. Sex was always in the dark and I thought the same as you....if he saw me naked, he would leave me. I have had weight issues going up and down since my early 20's and I am now 30 and as a result have stretch marks etc. So anyway, after sex, he would turn the light back on and I would get up, wrap a sheet around myself and go get dressed in the bathroom. Like your partner, he was upset that I would do this. So, there was this one time, he demanded we keep the light on.....so ok, I did, but like you kept my top on. It was such a gradual process but eventually (around 2 or 3 yrs) I let him see my body naked....I was crying and it was so painful...but you know what, he kissed my belly (which is where I had the problem) and told me I had nothing to worry about...he smiled and said he fancied me now more than ever So, now, I have no problem!!

For now, don't push yourself into to it.....try visualising doing it...keep visualising taking your t-shirt off and visualise everything will be ok once he see's you. To me, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship and I am betting you wont get the reaction you are fearing. Maybe a couple of glasses of wine beforehand to help you relax?

I would also urge you to tell him what your fears are reagrding him leaving you if he saw your body. I think maybe, once you are reassured he wont do this, it will make it easier for you. But do talk to him about it. It was after a long talk with my hubby that I gained the couraged to show him.

Wishing you all the best.

[Evening]

I'm so insecure with my body an apperance that it affects me getting in a relationship in general! I find myself repulsive. I have stretch marks, cellulite, bad teeth, my ears stick out, I'm losing my hair, blah blah blah. The thing is though, as much as I resent my own looks, I don't care about the flaws of others at all.
If the 2 of you have been together as long as you have, I do truly think he will be fine with you. If you sit down and have a proper one on one discussion about how you feel, and hear how he feels, you might begin to get over your fear. It is not something that you can get past overnight, and it will take his help to make you feel more confident. He should respect you enough to know your limits, and not try to push you into anything that is out of your confort zone, that should be something you should decide to do yourself.
I honestly can be more help than that though sorry, especially as I'm having an extreme ugly day at the moment, my advice is probably irrelevant!

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 8 months. He treats me wonderfully. Does anything and everything I ever want or ask for, treats my daughter (whom is not his by blood) like his own, he makes me laugh all the time, we ALWAYS finish eachothers sentenses and we always say the same thing at the same time. He's amazing and makes me so happy. But I have insecurity problems and they are effecting our relationship.

I used to weight over 200 pounds but have since lost 80 pounds putting me at the low/healthy weight range. Before the weight gain when I was a toothpick with the perfect flat belly I still wore shirts into the pool, shirts non stop no matter the activity, I never wanted others to see my stomach or breasts. Since I lost the weight I now have all of this extra skin I have to carry with me and since being pregnant with my daughter had me at my absolute highest weight, I have stretchmarks everywhere. It's horrible and makes my insecurities much worse.

So I hate my body and don't want to see it. Naturally however my boyfriend does. We have been sexually active for a year and a half and I still wear my shirt, cover myself when he comes in the room and pull away from him EVERY time he tries to life my shirt up the slightest bit. I know this upsets him, he told me it does and I want to stop.

I want to be more confident, more comfortable with my body so I can give that back to him since he gives me SO much, but something is stopping me. I'm not sitting there thinking every time "if he sees my body he will leave" sometimes I'm thinking nothing, it's just reflex to turn away, to block his attempts and to say no to him. I've been doing it my entire life.

Has anyone else had trouble with insecurities such as these effecting a relationship? I just don't even know how to get over the insecurities to start to work with him on this. Any advice on this would be so much appreciated! I don't want to lose him and I know I wont from this but I can't keep making him settle for bare minimum. I want to be there for him fully I just don't know how. Thank you in advance for any comment or advice!

first, congratulations on losing that kind of weight - that's an amazing feat.
second, it sounds like you have an amazing boyfriend who loves you and accepts you for who you are, plus accepts your child....you are very lucky to have that.
If you read Cosmopolitan or any other women's magazines, they will tell you that most men aren't really looking at a woman's body and scrutinizing it the way that WE do when they see us naked - they are looking at us and thinking about how much they want to have sex with us - he already loves you and he has a good idea about your body from hugging you, etc.

As far as getting over the insecurities, I think you have to start by finding any little thing you like about yourself, whether it's a curve or a freckle or a collarbone, and focus on the things you DO like about yourself, instead of the things you DON'T like about yourself. Once you feel more comfortable with yourself, it might be easier for you to be more comfortable with him.

I hope that helps a little - it sounds like you have an awesome guy there and you are awesome too.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you for all of the responses. Allme, it is very good to hear that someone else with bad esteem issues get through it and over it. I've thought about talking to him about it so many times. I've tried to talk to him about it but I'm so closed up about it I only tell him part of the problem little by little and it leaves him confused and still not understanding him. I think the only way I will be able to come out and say it all is to just show him what I hate. That thought scares me though.

Thank you as well Evening. Your comment was very helpful and I am sorry you are dealing with this as well. There is so much pressure for us to be perfect it seems nearly impossible not to have some insecutiry issues.

Jaded, thank you for your kind comment! I am rather happy with myself for the weightloss, it was hard and I realized just how much willpower I had that I thought was not there. If only the weight gain had been that hard to put on! And my boydfriend is amazing, I feel blessed every day to have someone as incredible as he is in my life. I know that he wont think any less of me when I show him, it just doesn't stop me from feeling that way. I guess I have to live up to what I try to live up to in every other aspect of my life.

I try to seperate my feelings from what I know to be true. I have learned not to trust my feelings about myself in situations like these and have been working toward understanding and putting into action what I feel verses what I know if that makes sense. I guess I have to do it in this case as well. I feel he will leave me if I show him but I know he wont so I have to overcome this feeling of fear and stick with what I know, that I have a good man who loves me no matter what my stomach looks like and in the end will be happier when I stop being so sheltered from him in that aspect.

Oh it's a never ending battle in my head. On the road to healing but theres a speed bump every inch of the way. Thank you for all of your posts. I wanted to show him last night, I thought about it non stop. I will be swallowing my fear and letting him in my insecure world tonight. Thanks for the courage you all have given me to do this!