[xxallzxx]

I need help... 3 1/2 months ago I found pictures of some girl in my husband's phone, posing with lingerie on. There was one photo of her butt up close (disgusting). We've been together for over 10 years, married 4 years, have a 3 year old son, and JUST found out we were having another baby 2 weeks before this happened... He at first denied even knowing her, saying it was some random girl that saw him at work, got his number from a co-worker and started texting him. I called the girl, and his co-worker, found out she actually works with him (she's a CNA, he's a cook at a bursing home). And I got into the cell phone records, they were texting for 3 days before I found out (hundreds of texts). He actually started talking to her ON MY BIRTHDAY, just to make things worse. He also texted her a 4th day, after I found out, saying we were getting a divorce anyways so it didn't matter if he talked to her (In anger, I told him I wanted a divorce when I found out). She told me she KNEW he was married...he told her. The only good thing is that I found out RIGHT AWAY. So now, 3 months later, we're working on our marriage, he applied for another job (hasn't gotten called for an interview yet) but he still acts the same. He still works with the girl, I still can't trust him, its like reality has finally hit me. I can never trust him, my belly is getting bigger and bigger, all the joy has been taken out of my pregnancy, I'm just heartbroken and stressed everyday. Everyday I ask him if he saw her. Everyday I check the phone records to see who he's been texting and talking to. I'm a wreck. I constantly cry. I don't know what to do. I can't afford to get professional help. He refuses to go to counseling with me. He expects me to just get over it.. he says they never physically hooked up. Even if they did hook up, he would never tell me. I don't know what to do anyore. I'm so depressed. I have no energy, no joy in life. All I do is cry and nag my husband with questions, which pushes him away even more. I know I'm a pretty girl and have a lot to offer, I just can't believe this has happened to me, after 10 years of being together. I'm so depressed... I need help.

[Open Eyes]

xxallzxx,

I am very sorry to hear your struggling and also pregnant. I totally understand this is a difficult stressful time, cant blame you for that. But, you must do your best to remember that your health and sense of well being is very important to both your unborn child and your other child. Your baby inside you IS effected by your stress, so please do your best to try to remain calm. Also, very important that your young son doesn't see you stressing, children are sponges and truely absord the emotions parents are giving off. He wont know how to understand what mommy is upset about, so please do your best to remain calm with him.

I know this is hard, I have been there and I always tried very hard to keep my child from also experiencing my anxiety and stress.

Perhaps you could remind your husband how important this truely is as well.

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

[shezbut]

((xxallzxx))

What a horrible thing to find out about your hub, as you're preggo with your second child together,

I do agree with Open Eyes about trying to focus on your innocent baby, who does pick up on all of the stress and misery that you find yourself stuck in right now. And I'm sure that your 3 yr old is picking up on the high tension too.

Try hard to focus on living a healthy life for your children's sake. Hopefully, your hub will see the light along the way & decide to go to counseling together. Try hard not to focus on that part of the puzzle though, Your kids deserve your love and devotion to them.

I wish you the very best ~ take care!

[lexie86]

I am so sorry, it is a really tough situation that you are in and only you can know what to do. Trust your gut and follow your intitution.

I am so sorry what a rat I am not surprised that you're checking up on him and that you're feeling depressed, Also your hormones will be all over the place, I would ask your husband again about the counselling.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by xxallzxx

we're working on our marriage, he applied for another job (hasn't gotten called for an interview yet) but he still acts the same.

It does not sound like he is working on anything, especially with the "get over it" attitude, except his own desires.

I would get over him; file for divorce and make sure he doesn't have extra time or money; he'll be so busy working to support his children and you with your pregnancy that he won't be able to afford a cell phone, much less a texting package so he can cheat.

I'm sorry you have such a difficult problem now when you have other things going on as well. Convert that sadness to anger that he would treat you and your children this way and act on that anger to make sure the children are cared for by him and you have enough support (from all good sources you can find) to get you through your pregnancy and into training or work to help.

[JLarissaDragon]

He sounds very irresponsible and immature. Any husband who would horse around with another woman anytime, let alone when his wife is pregnant, does not sound like he is very trustworthy. I am glad that you are working on your marriage, but it cannot be a one-sided arrangement. Unless he takes responsibility for his end of the problem he will continue to behave irresponsibly and perhaps cheat on you again. I hate to say this, but it does not sound like he is a great prize. I do not mean to be harsh, but I think you really need to take care of yourself and your children. If things work out with him then great, if not well you did your best. I am rooting for you

[Irreplaceable]

Hello,
First I would like to say I'm very sorry to hear about what all is going on....And I also would like to congratulate you on that little bundle of joy! I know it's hard but please try to take it easy for the baby...He/she can feel whatever you are feeling...If you are stressed, he or she will be stressed...Now, whenever I give advice, I always like to speak from my mind the same way that I would respond if you were my relative or friend...I try to keep it real, and not sugar coat anything...Sometimes someone perspective on the outside looking in my help a bit...Moving along...

I feel like you already know what you need to do...As a woman, I feel that it is foul and disrespectful for a man to cheat on his spouse (or SO) when she is carrying his seed...It doesn't matter if he has gotten physical...He is emotionally cheating and this may eventually lead to something more...Why do I know that? He has this other lady sending him photos of her in lingerie...And hundreds of texts messages...It will only lead to something else if it hasn't been lead there yet...
I hate telling married folks that they need to bail on the relationship, but dude is not giving me good vibes...He is not remorseful...He JUST showed you the he will continue doing what he is doing...After you confronted him he texts her again? And not only that, talking like a typical cheater by saying you two are getting a divorce...If he wants to get his rocks off, HE CAN USE HIS HANDS....Hardly any remorse...And he still works with this lady?...Since we are on Psych Central and not another one of my message boards I frequent where I can say whatever whenever, I will tell you this...Dude better be glad he didn't do it to me or a woman with a certain mind set...You are already hormonal and I can only imagine the pain you felt when you found out about this...If he cheated, made a "mistake" and that was it, depending on other circumstances and how he responded when confronted, it would be an easier pill to swallow...The two things that I can't get with in this situation, is that fact that it was an on going thing...And yes it's even going on now....It wasn't like he just slept with some random person and that's it.....AND the woman knew about you? See, that right there, that's why I don't trust women around my man...Women nowadays do not care...Have no self respect, let alone respect for the other woman...The wife...Chick is bold...AND I know where you work? LOL...
Look, I would leave him...And the ONLY reason I say that, again, is because he is still talking to her...Despite you finding out and despite how you might feel...If it's not her, it might be someone else...

Believe me, I understand you and I do feel for you...Me and my SO have been together for about as long as you and your husband and this would devastate me...With an ex, like you, I found out he was talking to another girl...Having converstations with her...Behind my back...And don't you know that when I found out, it was literally like someone kicked me in my stomach and took the wind right out of me...I literally got sick...It doesn't feel good being lied to...It's much easier said than done, to just say to leave...I get it...And it makes it harder to leave when you have babies with someone....Because of the attachment you feel with them through having a child and because you don't want to upset your child/kids by leaving dad to go live somewhere else...And I would love to give him the benifit of the doubt, but he has clearly demonstrated that he will keep doing it behind you back...Lying to other women about the state of your marriage...

I would make plans to leave him...If you plan to stay, that means you have to accept that this may or may not happen again...In the back of your mind, you will never be able to trust him...Or, I should say, it will take a long time...Men are capable of being monogamus...And like I said before, if he wanted to get his rocks off that bad, dude shoulda just used his hands...He's a liar..

[xxallzxx]

Thank you guys so much for your feedback. According to the phone records...he's not still talking to her (on his cell phone anyway). However, they work at the same place, so it would be foolish of me to believe anything he says 100%. With a 3 year old son and another boy on the way it IS difficult to leave. However, I know I cannot control him and I made it known that if ANYTHING happens again I'm gone 100%. I deserve better. My kids deserve better. It's just been a rollercoaster I'm not going to lie and say our marriage was perfect, because it wasn't. We would bicker sometimes, but nothing to the point of which I'd ever think he'd actually cheat.
The one good side to this story is I was able to get a little revenge on the woman who KNEW ABOUT ME... I saved the nasty disgusting pictures she sent to my husband and sent them to her boyfriend (yes, she had a boyfriend at the time as well). What a SKANK lol Karma is a ******
I really appreciate all your feedback, it really has helped me a lot. After 10 years, a son and a bun in the oven, I can't even begin to tell you guys how hard it is to walk away. But I'm not financially dependent on him and I'm working on emotion ally disconnecting from him as well. Not completely, but he's shown me that I can't trust him...at least not for a while. Dr. Phil said it's a "defense mechanism" to emotionally disconnect. I'm finding that it's helping, and knowing that I can't control him, only myself is helping a lot too. I'm realizing I don't need him as much as I thought I did. It's still very hard, only time will tell what happens.

[lexie86]

Just remember he did this to you not her, i get misdirecting your anger as I am the gueen of misdirecting, but he is the problem not her. And you did not do anything to cause him to cheat on you, it is not your fault, alot of people have problems in there relationships and they do not cheat.

Good luck, and take care of yourself and your children and remember your children learn from you what is exceptable behaviour in a relationship and when they grow up there choice of relationship types will model yours.

[Open Eyes]

I wonder, do you have copies of these pictures? I wonder if you could sue her for soliciting a married man?

If your not dependant on him there is such a thing as Alli money (alimony) and child support and you have every right to stay in the home your in and kick him out until your children turn 18. And don't have sex with him, I wouldnt because if he was unfaithful and didn't wear protection he actually can put you at risk for STD's.

Right now, as I have said the important thing is you, your health and caring for your children. There is not much else you can do, if he is determined to cheat and be a crappy husband and father than that is his carma to deal with.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes