[ridder]

this 'coming-of-age' has been strange, to say the least. i thought i had it all figured out, up until now. everything made sense, my life was normal. i had good grades, i was a good person, ignorant cherub of a girl. impenetrably young.

to think back, it sounds so stupid, but a lot of people hurt me. i lost myself somewhere in the middle, and my friend died in a ad accident. i went to his wake on my birthday, and it felt like the undertow was pulling me out to sea.

i didn't feel sad, i just felt empty and hopeless. things seemed meaningless and inconsequential, and my focus died. i had no heart left to spare for art and study. i had no heart left to spare for friends and family. i wanted to be left alone.

that's not to say my feelings have far changed since then, but i like to think i've run a distance to separate myself. it took me a long while to realize that my childhood had never been healthy or normal, and the way that people treated me was undeserved on my part. i believed them when they said i was a bad person. it never penetrated my head, but it sunk into my heart. i suppose the years of it wore me down.

it's hard to look for help when you don't want it. i don't want people to know that i'm struggling, because it's pathetic and sad. i have no one to go to, and even i fail myself when i need me most.

i don't trust others. i just...don't. relationships are hard for me. friendships are strangled by my inability to just stay. how can i ever form something lasting when i can barely form the basics? i've tried, romantically to say, but when they touch me, and when they speak to me, suddenly so different from friendship, i cannot.

i cannot give them what they want, and i cannot say no, so i just end it. i'm afraid because if i can never give them what they want, they won't stay. i'm sad because i'm lonely, and i'm lonely because i'm ineffectual and insufficient. i used to have such close friends, but it turned to nothing in my hands.

no one likes me anymore. i was replaced by my dearest sister.

i don't want to speak bad of her anymore, because it does no one any good. it neither helps me nor her, and is therefore useless. i just want you to know that she has hurt me, now and in the past. she has never liked me, every step i make has been seen as spiteful towards her no matter how best i try to avoid it. she has always liked confrontation.

i don't want to speak bad of my mother, because it does no one any good, but she has hurt me. whether with her hand or with her tongue, she has hurt me. i am not a loving child, so i keep quiet and i keep my distance. my sister has always been preferred, always bought the best clothing, the class ring, the car, the driving lessons, computer, many other things. i found out just recently that i wasn't a wanted child from my father. my parents are separated.

my mother originally planned on giving me away to her sister, so i guess it all makes more sense now, how i will always be second best, but it all just means i have to fight for what i want. i don't need her, and i don't need my sister. i don't need the people who have abandoned me.

but this is all background, and i've started the road to move past this. i'm scared because i want to be independent from my mother, i hate asking for things, but i feel like i'm just playing the part. i forced myself recently to get a job, but i don't feel like i'm working. i feel like i'm pretending. i feel like a child when i look at the people around me.

i'm an adult, a young one, but i am. i'm so tired of where i'm stuck. i've written these things prettier than they could ever feel, and i've written them like this because it's easier. i don't know why.

i don't want to be a child anymore, and i don't want to be alone anymore. i don't want to feel like no one will ever love me, or i will never be able to progress in a relationship. why am i like this, and can i fix it?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ridder

i don't want to be a child anymore, and i don't want to be alone anymore. i don't want to feel like no one will ever love me, or i will never be able to progress in a relationship. why am i like this, and can i fix it?

If you sincerely want to 'fix it' and change, it can be done. The words adult and child were mentioned several times, in your post. Have you, ever looked into Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families? I, myself, have and found it eye-opening, and a good place to start on the path to change.

Not certain, it applies, but it's something that worked for me.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ridder

i forced myself recently to get a job, but i don't feel like i'm working. i feel like i'm pretending.

That is not necessarily a bad thing.

[winter4me]

Working will help towards independence, have you thought of school? Or just taking some art classes/something that will interest you where you can meet people to just socialize with? Do not rush to try to form relationships etc, plenty of time. It sounds like you need time to find yourself right now. It is very common to not recognize how wrong things were...it is like asking a fish to describe water. I can remember when it began to dawn on my that my family was not healthy, and that I had been picked as the "problem" all along...it's painful and hard to adjust to the outside, young adult world. You are the one you need to give to for now...earning money, can also earn you distance. Take care. And keep posting.

[ridder]

the job i've taken up doesn't earn me much, and i'm currently fighting for access to my own funds. my mother claims that i will spend all my money, and so often just takes my paychecks. she claims she is putting it in savings, but i don't trust her with my money.

i'm still in high school, but just barely. my ability to focus has really left me, and i find it really hard to do much of anything for certain periods. occasionally i will be able to focus for lengths of time, but more often than not i can't.

i have no real friends currently, and i live in a small town where making more isn't really a possibility any longer. i've long looked forward to college, and have been looking through different ones, but my mother refuses to talk to me about it. she won't help me and won't even attempt to guide me. the one time i looked at schools with her, she told me i should just go with the cheapest one i could find.

i was a little upset, but it was more with the way than the what. i understand we don't have much money. for some reason these things don't apply to my sister, who has tried two colleges already.

i'm sick of 'finding myself'. there's nothing left to find. nobody wants to hear my sob story, typing it up is embarrassing enough. i just want to get past this, but i'm not sure what the next step i should take would be.

i've set literal goals for myself, but they don't get me anywhere either. my next goal would be to drive, but i'd have to pay for the lessons, and my father already told me that car insurance would be unaffordable, so there's almost no point...which means that i also thought of saving for a motorcycle or scooter, but my mother won't let me.

she says that i am already spending money i don't have. it's just hard when they won't buy me anything and won't allow me to buy anything for myself either. the money i make is barely pocket change, but i'm not allowed to touch it and i'm not allowed to ask for money either.

nobody in my family really cares to understand that these steps are so huge for me, and i really struggle to decide to do them in the first place...and i just don't know what to do. my life just feels pointless right now. without someone to share anything with, without a goal, and without a clue of an idea of what i'm going to do in the future...it just makes me feel real **** about it all.

i come across as a massively whiny brat, and i apologize for that. i don't typically do self-pity because it's really pathetic and sad, i just...i need some sort of guidance from somewhere. anywhere at all. it seems the more i'm actually doing things, the better i am at maintaining relationships. [ such as when i work, i actually contact my dad back to go for breakfast when normally i don't. ]

i've thought about art lessons, but my art infuriates me. my father was an artist and my art teacher is always telling me my art would be good enough to compete in the industry, but i just feel like my art hasn't developed any further in the last two years and it's not where i want to be, so i haven't been doing any art like that lately. and i'm shooting down ideas left and right and have turned this into a pity rant, sorry.

[hamster-bamster]

How come you are old enough to be employed (your employer pays taxes as you work, and those taxes might eventually go towards supporting your parents in their old age), and yet not old enough to manage your money? Have you tried opening a bank account on your own? Do you have your social security card on you? I assume you do, since you must have submitted it to the employer's HR department to get the job. It seems, from reading your posts, that your main issue is that you do not have any practical means that would work towards your independence, and yet, everybody is telling you to find yourself. Of course it would be infuriating to be in your situation.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ridder

the job i've taken up doesn't earn me much, and i'm currently fighting for access to my own funds. my mother claims that i will spend all my money, and so often just takes my paychecks. she claims she is putting it in savings, but i don't trust her with my money.

. i've long looked forward to college, and have been looking through different ones, but my mother refuses to talk to me about it. she won't help me and won't even attempt to guide me. the one time i looked at schools with her, she told me i should just go with the cheapest one i could find.

i've set literal goals for myself, but they don't get me anywhere either. my next goal would be to drive, but i'd have to pay for the lessons, and my father already told me that car insurance would be unaffordable, so there's almost no point...which means that i also thought of saving for a motorcycle or scooter, but my mother won't let me.

she says that i am already spending money i don't have. .

I learned to drive under two rounds of learners permits, because of the 'car insurance' rhetoric. However, I made sure to have my license at 18, because I wanted my license before going off to college. Oddly, I could drive every one else's cars, but my parents, after my license. I still haven't comprehended that one, after many years of paying for my own auto insurance policies.

About the find something cheaper. Here's the thing, about 4 year degrees. The first two years, are basic classes. Can be achieved at a community college, and if the GPA's are high enough, all those credits can be transferred over to another college/university. Witnessed that happen first hand, by two of my sorority sisters. Honestly, what a practical decision.

I am baffled, by the logic here...Saying you are already spending more money than you have, yet she's taking your paychecks from you and putting it in to savings(which you sound skeptical about). Are you able to, at least have access to those statements or passbook? If not, to withdraw funds, to observe, that it's really going where she says it's going and not to pay the 'family bills'?

The positive thing, about finding your self, is that you know what you like and don't like. Yet, it's difficult to truly spread your wings when there lacks a certain amount of independence, which, by virtue of still being in high school, I'd presume you are still a minor child and not emancipated by your parents, yet?

[winter4me]

Take your paycheck from your employer and bring it to a bank and open your own account.
If available (some employers have this option) have the paycheck directly deposited into your account. Your mother cannot take your paycheck unless you give it to her. I think this is a place and time to take a stand for yourself.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Take your paycheck from your employer and bring it to a bank and open your own account.
If available (some employers have this option) have the paycheck directly deposited into your account. Your mother cannot take your paycheck unless you give it to her. I think this is a place and time to take a stand for yourself.

ridder - if there is Wells Fargo in your state, they have college accounts with some kind of discounts.

You can apply online if you have your SSN and a valid ID (I guess - a state ID or a passport, since you do not have a DL).

https://apply.wellsfargo.com/main?pa...al_information