[Lola00]

I have no idea how to handle this--hopefully someone can lend some insight. I have a friend whose husband--in their 10 year marriage-has been occassionally been violent with her--It's happened a handful of times and always years in between-he's never "beaten" her, mostly pushing her, throwing her around-recently he slapped her in the face while she was holding their baby. They overall have a good relationship, and here's the kicker, she is in this very field.

The dilemma is that I have some information that might make her take it more seriously and I'm not sure it's my place to tell her--I know her husband's ex wife's family and he abused her apparently often and more severe and I've recently found out that he also abused his ex girlfriend. Do I tell my friend so she can maybe make better decisions about herself and her child, or do I keep my mouth shut because it's none of my business. By the way, she has zero intention of divorcing him and is all too aware of how ironic this all is. It's hard to think straight when you're emotionally involved, so any advice would be helpful

[Lola00]

Thanks--and to answer your questionss...no risk of losing the friendship, she is a social worker and she is adamantly against divorce. They are upper middle class and regretfully I believe that's a huge part of why she would never get divorced. She likes her lifestyle too much and is terrified of being on her own financially. Next to her child, status is the most important thing to her and that's why I think I'm having this dilemma. While I feel she should be informed for the safety of her child as to the extent of her husband's tendencies, I also don't think it would matter to her. So then I guess it boils down to my own personal ethics. On top of that our lives are all very intertwined. My husband is very close with him and will no longer take his phone calls and has written him off. Ugh.

[danii24]

If she has no intention of leaving him you need to be careful how you say it to her. Some times people in these relationships will fall out with the person who is trying to help. I knew a girl once who was in an abusive relationship her mother and sister tried to talk to her about it but she fell out with them not him.

Its hard place for you to be in right now i understand that and i dont envy you at all. If you are going to tell her this info you found out about past exs my only advice is say it once and once only. she get annoyed with you if she feels like your saying it to often and it could be something that she herself doesnt want to confront. Say it once and when or if she does decide to leave him or when she needs a shoulder to cry on be there for her.

Advice often makes people angry even if its something you need to here. She could end up avoiding you and you could lose a friendship which would suit an abusive partner he'd be delighted no doubt. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do

[IceCreamKid]

What I get from what you have written is this man is not adverse to harming his child while he is striking his wife. How is it you know these things? She tells you, or you witness them? If you're witnessing them, call the police. If she is telling you anything like this tell her you'll turn them both in for exposing that child to an unsafe environment. She has no business working with people in need if she is willing to expose her own child to physical harm and the trauma of seeing physical abuse rained down on mother.

[Hazel Glitter]

What a sticky situation. I had a best friend that was in an abusive relationship. I had to sit and watch until she got her fill of it and called me crying. I finally said "I am on my way" and went and picked up her and her infant son and took them to her mother's house. He had thrown something and hit a ceramic wall decoration that shattered and just about landed on their son. It was a sad situation. The bad thing was I think she knew about her husband abusing his ex before she married him and I guess thought he just wouldn't do that to her.

I would bring up what you know to her but in a casual conversation. Don't be confrontational about it because she will more than likely get defensive. Mention it and then let it go. It will hurt to see her going through it but she has to be the one to make the decision to change her life. It has to be on her own time and terms.

[maryann beck]

I think you should leave this situation alone. This woman does not seem to really be looking for any help.

The relationship sounds very co dependent in my view and not really abusive. While his behavior is not good it does seem that she is content with her relationship.

If middle class...upper class..or lower class..matters so much to her “image of herself” then I think she may have a self esteem problem.

Worrying or concerns about social standing is also a mental condition.

[Lola00]

You are all right. She has self esteem issues, she's totally co dependent and yes, she had told me first hand these things. I know if it didn't involve a child I probably wouldn't even consider doing anything. I think if she brings it up again, I will mention it once and let it go, and then she can do with thew information what she wants. I think she thinks because it's only once in a while, it's not worth dealing with and I think that's totally sick. But what do I know?

[Hazel Glitter]

Originally Posted by Lola00

You are all right. She has self esteem issues, she's totally co dependent and yes, she had told me first hand these things. I know if it didn't involve a child I probably wouldn't even consider doing anything. I think if she brings it up again, I will mention it once and let it go, and then she can do with thew information what she wants. I think she thinks because it's only once in a while, it's not worth dealing with and I think that's totally sick. But what do I know?

The problem is that even though it is "once in a while" that child is going to remember those "once in a while"s. Those situations will bring out strong emotions in the child and the child will hold on to those memories more vivid than others.

Good luck!

[Rose76]

Your husband is a very smart man. Aren't you lucky!

[rubyindie]

all advise given before are just and logical. however as an abuse survivor and having gone thru the dilemma myself i would ike to add a point. i feel that in the reciever in such abusive situations are so sapped of self esteem and confidence to go on ,on their own that they assume it is more comfortable and resign themselves to these episodes of outburst. they feel that might not probably get 'better deal' than their partners. they always tend to keep milestones that they feel will bring them more stability to thier lives. like having a baby, then maybe if he gets that promotion he will be better behaved, maybe when his loans get paid he wil be less irritated, maybe if we behave extremely well he will see that and be more considerate, maybe he will love his child more than me and that is more important.all these are just thoughts that they run thru the mind to avoid the pain in front of them. but the situation hardly gets better instead usually gets only worse.
i would only ask you to advice her to read more about emotionally abusive people and what the warning signs are so she is aware. sometimes the awareness matters a lot when we feel trapped. all the best and god bless your helping heart!

[Rose76]

I've had some training on the issue of domestic abuse. Rubyindie knows what she is talking about. (well, obviously. But this is, also, what abuse specialists know.) I had to spend some time researching resources in my city for victims of domestic violence, and I was very thorough. I attended lots of meetings, talked to lots of professionals who provide help, and visited a domestic violence shelter a number of times.

Experts on domestic violence have told me that this is an area in which there is a vast amount of misunderstanding, even on the part of mental health experts and social workers who have not had specialized training in domestic violence.

Every good size city has quite a bit of help for victims. (The venues that victims can go to for shelter, or even just advice, are not advertised, due to fear of retaliation by abusers.) Even small towns usually have some resources. Often domestic violence shelters have support groups open to victims not living in the shelter. You might do a little research and find out about some resources. My gut feeling is that you should tell her what you know, but be ready to hand her the information about help that you can gather. You might try a make a date to go with her to a meeting, or to a counselor. All of these resources that I found are free. Like I said, you wouldn't even know they existed if you were not specifically researching domestic violence advocates. You might even go to a meeting, or counselor, by yourself, and ask the exact question that you have asked in this thread. I guarantee you would be well received and thanked.

People working in this area are true specialists. They are extremely discreet because they know that abusers can be very threatening. They don't force anyone to do anything. They provide a great deal of validation for the victim. They totally understand that victims tend to stay in the abusive situation and they don't try to drag victims out.

Once the victim knows that this much support is available, there is a better chance that, one day, when the abuse has the victim desperate, she might go for help. They know how to get her initial free legal advice and, just, all kinds of back up. Good sized cities tend to have the best networks of support.

Doing this might help you to feel better, even if your friend is not ready right now to leave him.