[Saxon]

Greetings all,

This is something I'm simultaneously vexed and embarrassed by. Nine months after a one month relationship, I am still heartbroken, or at least, I still ruminate about it daily.

Let me be clear off the bat: relationships are nothing new to me, but it's possible that "love" - highly subjective though it may be - is. Indeed, in late 2009, I had a girlfriend for six months who adored me, but I felt nothing nearly as intense as she did. I ended the relationship because I didn't want to string her along anymore than I already had.

Fast-forward to September 2010 and the beginning of my third year of university. I was determined to be introduced to a girl I had briefly met in the last weeks of second year, and in my first week back, I was. Within a few days, I had her number; the next week, we had a date. Another date later, we kissed. Within three weeks, we had had sex. One week later, it was over. In this one-month period, I had been on a rollercoaster of emotions, and when she ended the "relationship", I was genuinely devastated.

I'll spare you the syrupy stuff every shot-down male will spout, but I was absolutely enamoured by her; she is a truly beautiful girl, fantastically intelligent and we shared a lot of stuff. She wanted to get to know me, to know my thoughts and how I felt, and with subtle, innocent lines like "I'll get you that for Christmas", you can imagine how stunned I was when it all ended with a snapping of fingers.

This was October 2010. It is now July 2011. I am incredibly frustrated with myself that nine months later, this girl is still on my mind. Granted, I am in no way the wreck I was in the immediately proceeding months, but to this day, she still haunts my dreams on a regular basis. In fact, it was a dream I awoke from not hours ago - a dream in which I was running across a city, doing everything in my power to meet her - that inspired me to join this forum, and not my stupid hypochondria or other anxiety issues.

As if she were a virus, I want to be rid of her, but at the same time, it feels as if every book I read, every weight I lift, every thing I do for self-betterment is directed at her, as if by some divine grace when I return to university in September, classically-trained and with rippling muscles, I'll be able to win her back and we'll live happily ever after.

I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that I'm sure this will never happen, or that I'm hopeful it will.

What to do?

[Perna]

I think the only "cure" is to get out and start dating other women. It does not sound a whole lot different from the relationship you ended in 2009 because the woman was more into you than you into her, only this time it's the other way around. You have to find someone who is "equally" into you as you are into her for a relationship to work. That could, as women say, take "kissing a lot of toads"

[kundi]

The best thing to do it to accept situation or you will miss much of the life happening around you, while reprocessing the old great bits about her. By resisting to her you are reducing your inner feeling, capacity of love for others and possibility to meet a new girl, which might be even better than this. It is just a mind game, which we all get trapped in life: things we cannot have make us addictive and can become self-destructive to us if we aren't aware what is causing this to us.

In either case, you won't get her back with this kind of mindset, so its not rational to keep this mind loop, although I know its not easy to break the pattern.

I would recommend reading some books like "Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Put your mind to rest and open the eye for the other joyments of life.

[Saxon]

@Perna:
Haha, well, I don't intend to do any toad-kissing. But you're right, I absolutely need to get out there again, but it's just incredibly difficult, as I don't feel motivated to. Plus, I don't have any opportunity to until I return to university. At the same time, though, I just wish I could improve somehow and win her back.

@kundi:
Yes, you're right. I thought I was making small amends; I deleted her off Facebook because I couldn't bare to see her online and not have any reason to talk to her; I realise now that I was simply masking the problem, not dealing with it, and it probably looked incredibly petty to her.

You're also right about the mindset. As you say, getting out of it is the problem, but I don't know how to. I'd love to be able to forget about it - like I forgot about my previous relationships - but for some reason, she is the exception, and it's infuriating.

[brokenwalls]

seem like she hurt you bad. and i agree with what Perna said what happen to you is like what you did in 2009 i guess it was karma. and you do need to find someone else to to get your mind off her. learn from that moment so you can better yourself in the future.

[StrongerMan]

Hi Saxon,

I went through hell getting over a woman who treated me like crap half the time. We split in November but started complete no contact in January. I can pretty much say I am over her today, but I am not completely over the relationship and how it went. So I feel ya. One month is not long but often enough time to really start to have feelings for someone; especially if she was as special as you say. These things run their course differently in different people. You just have to get and stay strong for the next one that comes along. At the same time, you will be healthy and ready if she would be open to rekindling things at a later time. I know from experience it can happen. As for "kissing toads". Sometimes you aren't aware they are a toad until several months into things.... My ex had me fooled for a while.

[Saxon]

Thanks for the replies, guys, it helps!

StrongerMan, I think you're right: it's all about staying strong in the meantime, until I can "get back out there". As you say, one month is not long, and that's what confuses/irritates me the most. I've had lengthier, fulfilling relationships in the past, but none have left me feeling like this. I'm quite a logical/sceptical/empirical guy, and I'm usually quite stoic when it comes to these things. Also, I'm struggling to determine whether I miss her or the relationship, whether it's the past event that is still hurtful, or the person herself.

I never actually explained the conditions of this break-up, so I may have skewed the evidence in my favour somewhat.

About two days after we slept together, I could detect an air of coldness or distance about her. I commented on this and she claimed that she was tired from juggling work and university studies, and I no doubt factored into this. Fully aware of her independent nature, I was more than happy to give her space to sort things out. Unfortunately, this came in the form of her going abroad for a week to "sort out her mind". When she returned, she did not reply to my "welcome back" text. Very anxious, I waited three days before finally consulting with a mutual friend. Resolved, I wrote her a fairly heartfelt email explaining how I felt, how I was fully prepared to give her space and turn things down a notch. I said that I was not, however, prepared to stay in limbo for another week and that this would be the last time I would contact her.

About two hours after I sent the message, I was asked to join her on Facebook chat. Basically, she claimed that over the summer months, she developed a romantic relationship with a long-term friend. Unfortunately for her, this long-term friend moved away for work, so the relationship ended not out of conflict, but out of necessity. Her feelings, therefore, were still with this guy. Of course, being English and apologetic, I didn't see at the time how incredibly insulting this was to me, for she kept asking me to consider her feelings, as I struggled to process that I was, in fact, the "rebound guy".

Fighting emotion with logic is incredibly hard - if not impossible - so my suggestion that maybe she be forward-thinking was lost upon her. (I'm aware that my situation is therefore quite ironic!) The only light at the end of this pitch dark tunnel of a story is that she confessed that when she met me, she never realised that she would enjoy her time with me so much and that she would "probably regret" ending the relationship. Quotation marks and paraphrasing ruin what was, I think, a genuinely candid conversation. Needless to say, she said she would not force getting over her past relationship and thus, it ended.

There were a few online chats after that, but they weren't of any substance. The first time I was face-to-face with her - about a month later - was immensely awkward (I suppose I wanted to make her feel guilty), then in February, we met at a night-club, where she hugged me (and ruined my evening; I blame mood-amplifying alcohol) and in about March of this year, we bumped into each other in the library and talked for about 15 minutes, but it was small-talk. I really wanted to bump into her again, to ask her out for coffee, but I never got the opportunity. Indeed, I had asked her for a cup of tea in January, but she claimed she was too busy (which is true: her class had two or three essays to hand in that week), and I never bothered again after that.

In a sense, then, it wasn't as-open and-shut as I liked. There was too much contact after October. Too many inopportune moments of convergence. I can't recall now, but it's possible that I was feeling down on the days we met, so it made matters worse.

Anyway, sorry for putting you through that long exposition, but I've gotta spill it out somewhere. :P

[ACanthony]

Hello there friend!

Well, you shouldn't be upset even if it's a 1 month relationship because it sounds like you had feelings for her before the relationship and things were unsettled so on paper it's a month but you've had ties to her for awhile. It reminds me of my situation. I dated a girl for a year. And then she broke up with me. Then I guess she missed me but toyed with my emotions (unintentionally) by calling/texting like once a month. So I had strong strong ties to her even a year after we broke up.

I'm not going to give you advice because I trust you are smart enough to deal with the situation. But I think dating other people will IMMEDIATELY make you forget about her. I have a girlfriend now and I've only dated her for a few weeks now and already I am over my ex. I cherish our memories together whereas before when I missed her I had a lot of sadness/anger towards the situation. Now I'm free from that.

It's hard to 'move on' but I think ruminating about the situation is no good. It's just a form of control. The situation does stink. She may have did you dirty a little bit (probably unintentionally) but you can't change her. You CAN change yourself. Instead of trying to find that one person to be with, BE that person for someone else. Get it? Don't ask others to change. Instead just be a happy person and a person that some lucky girl will say wowww I'm happy I found YOU!

[StrongerMan]

We'd all like to react to getting dumped with class and style in case the woman changed her mind in the future. Emotions do get the best of us though. But all is not lost. The fact that she contacted you on facebook so quickly to tell you the truth is a great thing. It shows she is mature and no shrinking violet when confronting tough issues. She couldn't bare to hurt you at first. But once she got your firm message, she contacted you right away. So there is a good chance she will be the type of woman capable and open to another go around. Or at least being friends to start. My ex flat out told me she could never be friends with someone she dated. She was 7 years old going on 45.

IMO, it doesn't sound like a relationship, since it was only a month....it sounds more like you developed a deep deep infatuation with her...much more than she did with you...which was probably very flattering for her. Perhaps once you had sex she realized that you were much more invested emotionally in this than she was, and decided to end things before you got in too deep, not knowing that you were already in.
Once it ended, you soundl like you've become obsessed...and as someone who has major obsessive thoughts...I feel your pain. I've done the same thing. But I agree with the others that you have to move on. Find someone that wants to be with you, don't pine away after someone who doesn't want you. you deserve better than that.