[Starvin4Perfection]

Hey Everyone,

Ok so here's my question. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me a lot... I need some perspective from a guy's point of view. The bf is a newly hired commercial pilot so we're adjusting to his new schedule which right now is 3 evenings a week that we get to spend together; then reserves 2.5 hours away the rest of the time. His schedule has always been really busy, but he's always made as much time for me as he could. Also some background info on him, he's never been in a relationship longer than 6 months before me... they ranged 3-6 months and I'm gf number 6... he's always been really independent and just never found anyone that was what he wanted. We've been together for about 15 months; he's 28 and I'm almost 27.

Ok so here it is... we've been arguing a decent amount lately and it's just really draining. The night before last he came over and made dinner, I was getting full and was going to stop eating and he's sitting next to me and pokes my stomach... I was full anyway so I put my plate down. He just stopped himself and got so upset and didn't understand why he did it and that it was so messed up. Um, I wasn't offended, I was full and am fairly thin. That whole thing turned into a mess of him saying that he doesn't even feel like a man because he doesn't make that much money, he's not where he wants to be in life, that he isn't giving anything in his life 100%. He goes into saying that I deserve so much better than that and he feels bad because he can't give me the time "I deserve" and he knows I could find someone better. I'm totally at a loss! After going on and on about this, I thought he was looking for an out. He kept saying stuff like I'm an "angel" and asking why God brought him to me... but he's not religious so I was really... I don't even know a phrase for it (but I don't take compliments well). So the next thing I get is that I am the "perfect girlfriend" (I promise, I'm not vain at all... this is just what he said; I'm by no means close to perfect, I just try hard to make him happy) and that I'm everything he's always wanted in a significant other, but he just wishes he could fold me up into his pocket and take me out when he's ready for that big commitment... um... wtf?? So then I get the statement that our relationship is toxic lately because we keep arguing and logically we should probably break up, but with feelings... he just can't. He doesn't want me to leave, he wants to be with me. But I don't know... I just took it as asking for an out, so I said he should go, he starts crying, refuses, and now I'm just flippin confused!!!

I'm mean we got over it and both are really happy and he tells me today that he has "confidence and commitment issues... and has to deal with his issues like an adult"... wtf does that mean? He doesn't seem to want to leave me, but why is he such a commitment-phobe and does dealing with it "like an adult" mean he's going to get over it and try to commit, or leave??

PLEASE HELP... I'M SO CONFUSED!!!

[desolate]

he may be stressed out due to work and wanting to spend more time with you then he is able to and worried sounds to me like he is insecure and it sounds to me like those insecurities may be coming to the surface or maybe he just needed to vent to someone he felt close to and trusted i believe u may be reading into it to much. i have been in my fair share of relationships that didnt end on the best of terms and they have left me feeling broken alone and unworthy of love try to just be their for him and let him vent show your supportive it may just be that he is not very happy with most of the things in his life and he is scared that he will lose the only good thing keeping him going (YOU). men make it seem like nothing is bothering us most of the time we keep our problems to ourselves most of the time so if he opened up to u like that it means he really trusts and cares about u alot.

[ACanthony]

Hey there! The situation with your BF reminds me of myself like 4 years ago. I had several girlfriends but didn't date for more any of them for more than like 3 months. I finally got into a long term relationship. There were several times I just had confidence problems. I guess I knew I was a great guy but didn't think that girls necessarily would appreciate me, like that they wanted something different. My ex had to reassure me several times. But then I finally realized that everyone has problems and not just myself. I'm not the perfect boyfriend but I am caring and I am thoughtful and that is what girls want.

So with you, I don't know, it helped when my girlfriend reassured me (of course I'm no longer with her...we dated for more than a year though). Perhaps just have a sit down talk with him. It sounds like he just THINKS way too darn much. He needs to go with the flow. He probably just has it drained in his head that he's not good enough and of course guys who think that way ARENT good enough because they keep telling himself that!!! I mean if you are a little tired but tell everyone alllll day you are tired, sooner or later you are going to end up tired, right? You are what you think. Have a talk with him, tell him why you are dating him (like his good qualities and the positive things you see in him). Tell him to just take a chill pill...it does sound like he's a nice man. I am sure he would be willing to commit long term if he just had more confidence...he may not want to commit probably right now because he thinks he's not good enough. Like it may be too much pressure on him to walk around with that burden. I would say he's not "comfortable in his own skin."

Good luck my friend!!! I don't know if I read into that situation well enough or not I am kinda rushed at work right now.

[Starvin4Perfection]

Thank you for the advice Desolate and ACanthony! I should read that book... something about thinking like a guy but acting like a lady! Men always say they're easy and apparently... I just don't get it. Thank you both so much for giving me a little perspective. I've noticed over the last few months that his insecurities are starting to pop up a lot. You're right, I need to just be understanding and supportive and be there for him because he seems to need it right now. He's just such a great guy so maybe I should just take a step back and focus on him. Thanks again... I appreciate it so much!!!

[protector1973]

only perspective i can add is my fathers second wife is loyal and mindfull of my fathers soul, and therefore , she wouldnt nag him or wind him up or do something just to get her own way and put him in a mad mood, and im sure he treats her just the same thats true love. being there for one another and soothing each others souls.