[MLGordon]

So ive been going through this for about 6 months now, here is a little background. I got married to my wife who I love so much, we got married after my deployment to Afghanistan. I was so happy we survived the deployment. As soon as we started living together fights were happening all the time, and I kinda distanced my self, I found myself saying what she wanted just to make her happy. This ended up hurting us cuz then i n ever did what i said I would. She really wants a baby, I think we should wait, so she things im being to controlling. (I want to wait tell I make a little more money cuz we can barely afford what we have now). I learned to stand my grand and not give in, and only say what I am going to do, sense then thigns have been great except she randomly gets supper pissed at little things. Like today She got off work early and I was at the gym about to head to school. SHe wanted to see me, but I said I had to finish working out and i have school but ill be home in a few hours. So she hung up on me and wont anser my calls, comes in the house slams the door and goes to bed. (she SLEEPS ALL THE TIME NOW, dosent do any of her responsabilities) i try to talk to her shes just quite and if i try to move her she starts kicking and breathing real hard and swining it looks like a tantrum.. and she will do th is for hours. she makes me feel like when ever i do my responsabilities like work and workout and go to class (im a marine i have to keep my physical fitness up) she even hates when i go to the gym for 30mins when shes home. Im so drained im tired of the fights and I dont understand how a 22yr old woman can act like that. I love her to death, but its holding us back its like she stays so madd all the time she dosent take care of her self and hold me back, ive missed school gained weight, cuz i try to talk to her and figured out whats going on, but she just says im a jerk or dosent talk to me. she gets so madd she crys and shakes. but i really dont understand why she is so mad. it scares me. and now i feeel like if it dosent stop were never gonna move on in our lives, never finish school or do the goals we set out, cuz shes always pouting in bed and im always trying to comfort her or figure out why with out any luck. also when shes not pissed at me she is so inlove with me and tells me how perfect i am and how happy she is, its like shes bipolar intell a little thing sets her off, sometimes i dont even know why a certain things set her off. like if i go do homework on my computer when shes home, she gets frustrated. I feel like somthngs wrong, and i feel so helpess i cant do anything about it.

Here some background about her, she was sexualy abused when she was young by her uncle and then her cousin, she also had to take care of her sisters alot cuz her mom worked 2 jobs. the last 5 years she didnt have to and has been care free with no responsabilties cuz she wants to be free or somthing. but then we got married and she said she wanted to be a good wife, but instead is still trying to be care free or somthing, but then again sometimes shes the opposite she trys to do all her goals. sometimes she just crys randomly, and wants me to hug her so I do. but i just dont understand, when she gets angry at me and disrespects me i get really frustrated, but its like she gets to be like this and dosent have to take responsabiltiy for her actions, but if i ever yell, im the bad guy... im so confused and i know this might not make alot of sense cuz im just tryping it as i go here. but if anyone has any suggestions im all ears.

[OurLadysTears]

It sounds like she has a lot of personal issues going on and she is taking them out on you. It is also possible that there is something more going on in the relationship that she is dissatisfied with. I would try to sit down and talk to her and let her say how she feels. Let her do the talking and ask her questions. That is the only way you are truly going to understand where the source of the problems are coming from. Maybe she needs to seek professional help or maybe there are some psychological issues that need to be treated. I think better communication is the key issue here and that is something that doesn't seem to be happening.

[Omers]

First I want to congratulate you on holding your ground about not having a baby right now. So often when couples get into hard times they think having a child will help it but it doesn't.
There is so much in what you have shared that could be bringing up hurts from her past, hurts that she is not facing directly... Hurts that she may not even connect to her current pain and anger. Would she even consider talking to a therapist herself or as a couple?
IMO this is not something you can fix... 1. It is hers to heal when she is ready. 2. In my experience you can't be lover/husband, bread winner, house keeper, target, therapist..... and succeed. Too many jobs for one person. You can love her, support her, help her find the professionals she needs.... But ultimately you need to be her husband NOT her therapist. You can still be a listening ear, a warm hug, the person she runs to for comfort and her knight in shining armor... just not her therapist. IMO

Welcome to the Community, MLGordon. You are dealing with a lot. I hope you and she are able to find a ways to sort your concerns in a manner that is best for both of you.

Good luck.

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ it sure sounds like you're trying very hard -- but you're not going anywhere!! I'm so sorry.

Has your wife ever had any therapy to deal with the sexual abuse? This COULD have something to do with it -- she really needs to see a therapist to make sure this isn't tormenting her. Also, besides the sexual abuse, she obviously has other problems too. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that she had to be responsible when she was younger, i.e. taking care of her siblings. Now she may want to just "do what she wants -- with NO responsibilities." We all know that isn't possible -- but she might want it that way anyway.

Try to get her to seek counseling -- and if she is reluctant, why not suggest couples counseling? That way you can go too for a visit or two, and then maybe the counselor will focus just on her. It's worth a try.

God bless & best of luck to you. Hang in there. Hugs, Lee

[IceCreamKid]

Thank you for your service. I would like to suggest to you that you take your wife to see the doctor and describe what she has been doing: excessive sleeping, physical tantrums, shaking and screaming, etc. Make sure the doctor knows about her history of abuse. I'm no doctor but it sounds to me like your wife has an emotional problem in addition to her not having fully matured as an adult. The behavior you are describing is more like a child than an adult. If her mother were working all the time, your wife maybe never got any role models for how to behave (although her mother is to be commended for working to support her family). If your wife is only 22 then I think it is understandable that she wants few responsibilities, and the way to fulfill that is not to give her a child. She isn't capable of taking care of a child with the behavior you describe. I think you are doing the best you can and should continue to model responsible behavior: continue going to school and working out. Hold firm with your wife; if you are to remain married, she must see the doctor and she must put forth effort to create a happy, stable marriage between the two of you. What you don't want is two or three unhappy children, an ex-wife who goes from bad to worse and diminished control of what happens to those children's welfare.

[mokie]

Please have her seek a therapist who can help her. She sounds like she really needs to get help but may not know how to really ask for it. You are a wonderful husband for sticking by her side and for searching for help. If she is in danger of herself or others you can get her help that she may not want for herself on her own. Couples therapy does sound like a good idea if it will make her feel more at ease that it is not her fault what she is going through but that it is a team fight on getting the help she and you need.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hi there MLGordon!

What The Byz said!

Blessings,
Rhian