[Warrioress]

I've been feeling like a complete and utter mess lately. There are many things that bother me, many of which I can hardly understand. I am going to explain each one separately for my own sake as much as yours.

• I practice karate and I love it, but I'm not as successful in it as I would wish. Still, I work very hard and try not to lose hope, but there is something very discouraging going on. Almost every sensei (karate teacher) has a (for want of a better word) favourite pupil. They spend more time and energy on that pupil. They are sterner and stricter when it comes to that pupil and they have very high expectations from them. I strove to be that special student, but I guess I'm just not talented enough. What makes it even more painful is that I love my sensei to bits. I have talked to her about my mental disorder in the past and she has helped me immensely. But our relationship has always been kind of one wayed; me asking for advice and she giving it. It's been a long time now since I talked to her about my problems though. I've pretty much learnt to cope on my own.

• The second problem is my best friend. By a strange chance, if it can be called that, she is our sensei's favourite. She talks to me often about how hard she's training to prepare for the upcoming tournament. She also tells me how sensei trusts her and talks to her about her problems and internal conflicts (in a way that she never trusted me). They are very close and intimate and no matter how hard I try I cannot be indifferent. Here's a strange thing though: I used to burn with envy when I saw them together, but now it's more like ice than fire. I've become cold and numb and bitter. I care and I don't care at the same time.

• Different but related is the fact that our friendship is suffering greatly. I understand her alright, but she has stopped understanding me. She doesn't even try. I had counted on her so much. It was a joy for me just to see or hear her, but now it pains me to be with her because I can see that we're not what we once were. She's a bit too selfish for my liking and the distance between us is getting greater and greater. I feel betrayed and terribly lonely.

• My father is another problem. He's a really good dad compared to most. He loves me and he would do anything in his power to keep me happy, but I get angry and annoyed at him so easily! I just don't understand it. Itdoesn't make any sense. When, for instance, he picks on me for spending too much time watching movies or because my room is untidy I become so angry that I feel like I hate him and the feeling doesn't go away for some hours at least. I hate it when he touches or kisses me (not in an abusive way; just as a fatherly affection). Sometimes I can't even stand being in the same room with him. There's only one reason I can think of. I'm wild and unquiet by nature and I can't stand someone having power over me and my father is a bit dominating. That might be the reason but still, the feelings are too exaggerated!

• There's one more thing. I've read Lord of the Rings quite recently and I'vebecome desperately obsessed with it. I read the books and watch the films over and over again. I think I'm using it as a means to escape the real world and that worries me. I know I can't run away froever and I have a feeling that no good can come out of it.

Sorry for the long post. I've been away for a while. I guess I was trying to make up for that. Ah well. All advice and sympathy is greatly appreciated.

[RomanSunburn]

From your post, I'm guessing you're fairly young, teenager? If you are a teenager and still living at home, then I wouldn't be too worried about the issues with your father. Honestly, they're probably just teenage rebellion, trying to figure out who you are as a separate identity from your parents and preparing to leave the nest.

Also, if you and your best friend are younger, then I find it very odd that your instructor would be so open and honest with your friend. I don't find that the least bit professional, and I wouldn't be jealous of it (though I can understand why you are).

Also, people do change a lot as they begin to figure out who they are. Perhaps it is time to simply let your friendship dwindle and find new people that fit more along the lines with the values, etc., that you hold important. I know making new friends can be extremely daunting, but the rewards can be worth the work 10 times over. Perhaps in your karate classes, at school, or even another interest of yours (perhaps someone who is also into Lord of the Rings or reading in general).

Oh, and while we're on the topic of Lord of the Rings... I wouldn't be too worried unless it starts affecting your ability to live your life. Have you seen the Harry Potter craze or the vampire fad? I've known more people who cried over the end of Harry Potter than I care to admit. Besides, there is nothing wrong with escaping the real world for short periods of time. Why else would their be novels and movies and endless amounts of television? If it gets to the point where you are neglecting responsibilities, then it is a problem.

Lastly, I can kind of understand you issues with working really hard in karate and never feeling like you're quite there. I took pre-professional ballet for many years. I was one of the only ones that actually wanted to be a dancer, but I was also wasn't very good at it, and I knew it. I had decent technique, but no confidence in my abilities, not to mention I've never be flexible. But looking back on it, I think the big problem was my confidence. I had to be willing to take risks, make mistakes, and do it all for me. Not for anyone else. I understand wanting to be the darling of the teacher, but the best thing to do is work on your abilities for yourself, not to please anyone else. Otherwise, you will end up burning yourself out (like I did), and maybe desert something you truly love.

I hope this is helpful. I apologize if I insulted you by asking if you were on the younger side. Good luck!

[Warrioress]

Thank you RomanSunburn. Yes, I'm 18 years old (and no, you did not insult me ), but I've always been a logical person and really mature for my age and I can't help feeling really childish now that I'm acting like a true teenager!

My friend is 23 and our instructor is 32 (lol. same numbers! I only just noticed). I agree that it's very unprofessional for a teacher to get too close to a student. What really drives me around the bend is that this isn't the first time. There was another girl before my friend came along who was exactly in the same position and it didn't end well. Not well at all. Sensei realized that this girl was too selfish and too full of herself and didn't deserve her trust after all. In fact I think she had spoiled her herself. She tried to treat her like the rest of us afterwards, but it was impossible and it all ended with the girl's expulsion from our dojo. She went out the door barefoot (holding her shoes in her hands), still wearing her karate uniform and tears pouring down her face. I cannot tell you how shocked everybody was. Me and my friend were the only ones who knew what had actually happened. Now I can see my sensei and my best friend both changing and I can't be sure if that is good or bad. I can't help but to notice that my friend is becoming more and more like the girl that was thrown out and I fear the end of their relationship.

As for finding new friends, I have to admit that I'm not very good at it. I get along with people alright, but it takes me a looooooooooooong time to trust anyone enough to call them a friend.

Your point about fiction relieved me immnensely

I suppose you're right about the training too. I've tried to please her long enough (4 years). Maybe it's time I trained for my own pleasure.

[Perna]

It's not possible to control other people, "make" them like/love us and some people we like "looking at" and some people like us but we don't them. If you are not close to your sensei, then you don't really know her so your desire to be close to her is coming wholly from you, that's why I put "looking at" in quotes; it's like when we read a book and use our imagination to make it come alive for us.

However, you have gotten to know your friend a little bit and now you are finding there are some things you don't care for about her character. That's okay, no one is perfect! But make sure that some of finding fault with another is not just jealousy? It is hard when someone else has what we think we want.

I would look at why you are enamored with a woman almost twice your age? When I was a teen and "loved" my teachers, it was because I had trouble relating to my own mother. Trying to get from another what we don't get from our mother's can set up problems for us in real life. I would examine your life, what you want for yourself (not in relation to others) and how you want yourself to be and start working on that. Eventually, what our parents did/did not do in raising us is not very important as we are "grown" and adults and have to take over, wherever we are, doing the best we can with ourselves, molding ourselves and our characters into what we think would make a good person of our type.

Work as hard on your real life as you do on your fantasies and you will be very successful. It sounds like you have a good imagination, use it for you instead of for escaping into LOTRs? Clean up your room, not because your father says so but because you want to be a disciplined, neat, clean person? The more you work hard toward understanding and becoming yourself, the less your father will be able to criticize and the less you will "hear" his criticism as that if you are being true to yourself.

[Warrioress]

Thank you for replying Perna, but I think you've got it all wrong. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I didn't make things perfectly clear. I'm not sure I understood the first paragraph of your post, so I will not answer it in case Imake a fool of myself

I never had any problem or shortcoming regarthing my mother though. My relationship with my sensei is a very complicated and special one. I've had a dark past. I've seen many things and I've known some truly horrible people and I mean that in a way few people can understand. Before I started karate I was a troubled teenager, friendless, pessimistic, unable to trust anyone and hating the world and all that's in it. When I got to know her I couldn't help but to notice the contrast between her world and my own. I was living in a big, dark, cruel, bitter and ugly world whereas she lived in her own small healthy world, busy with her work and her students. I trusted her as I had never trusted anyone before her. I told her about my mental illness and she was great about it. She gave me excellent advice and support whenever I talked to her about my worries. She was always full to the brim with faith and hope and that seemed to be contagious. I was calmer and happier in her presence. I learnt a lot from her. I've changed a lot and I feel like I'll be in her debt forever. That's why I love her so much.

As for my friend, I don't expect her to be perfect. I'm not trying to find fault with her either. In fact I admire her very much in various fields. I'm just a bit upset at her for her occasional sarcasm and the fact that she hardly ever understands how I feel about things. It's true that she has something I wouldn't mind having, but I'm not exactly jealous of her. I would have liked to have been training prefessionally and preparing for the karate league myself, but I'm not. She is, and I always try my best to help and encourage her.

Oh and I'm afraid I have hardly any imagination at all. My friend does. She writes stories. She's even had a novel published. No, I'm not jealous. I'm actually really proud of her. I can never complete the stories that I begin. I always hit writer's block.

Understanding and becoming myself, I like that! And being true to myself. I should practice those.

Well, thanks anyway