Is a marriage doomed to fail if...

Hi everyone

just wondering if you guys think a marriage is doomed to fail if the female spouse is in love with another man? as long as that is the case the marriage will not grow anywhere and will just slowly fall apart, correct?

And if the female spouse is pregnant to the husband but is still in love with another man but decides to stay with the husband for the babys sake, that is not a good idea as that will not help the marriage get any better, correct?

Just need other opinions/advice on this and to see whether i am correct on the statements above

Yes and yes

It wouldn't be a good idea for the baby, if no one else in that kind of situation. A child should be raised in a positive and supportive environment. Why would someone want to bring a child into a situation where the adults were unhappy and confused?

Everyone needs to be honest with themselves and each other, and move forward. They need to be strong and make decisions and settle it before the baby gets in the middle of everything.

As far as the adults are concerned:

Why would a man want his wife to stay in a relationship with him, that is supposed to be built on love and trust but is now for the sake of a future child, when he deserves to be with someone who is with him because she wants to be?

What does the mother gain by staying with the father that would be better than being stable on her own and letting this man move on, and have a relationship with his child that doesn't have to be under so much stress?

And if the woman wants to be with this other man, I'm assuming he wants to be with her as well, and why would they want to be separated and keep everyone in a situation where no one is happy?

It sounds like it would be a good time to involve a family counselor and have everyone state their intentions in an adult manner and make a plan.

I hope that all of these theoretical people will find peace.

wouldnt it be a bit too late for a family/couples couselor now? seeing as the woman is in love with another man?

but i do agree that priority straightening and decision making needs to be sorted while the pregnancy is still in early days.

and yes you are right, this other man would like to be with this woman too and is in fact, an ex boyfriend. what i find funny is that this particular man she is in love with lives over 600 miles away from her so unless one of them moves, i find it stupid that she actually wants this man and dont see how they would have a proper relationship together

I would be afraid to say, "I know the answers to those questions." I would be afraid to say that I can accurately predict what would be the result of a woman making the decision to stay or to go. Marriages of convenience have occurred - probably for thousands of years. I'ld bet a hundred dollars against a donut that, in some cases, the marriages did succeed, despite bad odds.

If the woman in the example you have given were to make the decision to stay with her husband, I think there could be a possibility that the marriage could succeed, depending on how much commitment the woman made to her decision. If she could respect her husband and feel genuine affection for him (even if she was not "in love" with him), it certainly is possible that the marriage could endure and, maybe, even grow into a satisfying partnership for both parties to the marriage.

I think it depends on the idea of marriage. Like Rose said, we haven't always married out of love; in the past we have done it for social status or family goals. The modern day view of marriage however, is someone you love whom you can commit to living happily with and creating a family. That doesn't HAVE to be the case, if both parties are ok with a different arrangement, I don't see why it wouldn't work. BUT that is if both parties agree. If the husband believes he has signed up for "modern marriage" but the wife is offering "family goals" then I don't know how it could work out.

How long has the woman had feelings for the other man? Why did the relationship end the first time? How does the woman feel towards the husband? I ask the second question because often times if we see an old flame, or especially if we reconnect at a distance, we remember our old feelings. You remember the young love that used to exist, all of the great things about this person. You think of all the things that annoy you about your spouse (like the fact that he leaves the TV on when he goes out, he never refills the milk) and POOF, you find yourself falling for this perfected image of this person you used to love. But the problem is, because they aren't there with you every day, you are neglecting that person's annoying habits, you forget that he leaves the dishes on the table and he never calls when he's going to be late. Because these things aren't in your face like they are with the spouse. As you remember the feelings, they start to extend and you find yourself in love with this fantasy based on your ex.

I don't agree with staying for the children. If you have ever listened to a child who hears their parents fight every night, you know the devastation it causes. I know we are raised to this belief that in order to be happy, we need to have both biological parents in our lives. I know many single parent families where everyone is happy, I know many families where the step-parent is more of a parent than the bio-parent ever would be. To me, I see staying for the children as a fear based decision. No doubt, raising a child alone is difficult, the unknown world without your spouse is scary, but would you really be happy 20 years from now in this situation?

She reckons shes been in love with him for 4 years, i think the relationship ended because of the distance issue because as i stated in my last post he lives over 600 miles away, and she reckons she loves her husband but only as a mate now.

Yes you do have a point that she is probably making a fantasy love because this other guy was never around cos he lives so far away so she has never really seen any cons about this guy but with her husband, hes there everyday so she sees the annoying parts about him, but in saying that he bends over backwards for her and he mostly does what SHE wants to do wether it be buying what she wants or going to see her parents and other siblings (which is AT LEAST twice a week), letting her see her mates etc, and never gets to do what HE wants, he hardly sees his mates, always running around after her, hardly even sees his own family (that includes his mother), heck she even complains when he decides to play games on his playstation complaining that hes giving the game attention and not giving her any! and she still has the cheek to say hes not putting any effort into the marriage!? i mean like what the heck, i dont know how she can even SAY that when hes hardly even seeing his own family.

Are you the husband, the pregnant female spouse or the other man?

Does it really matter?

I believe my advice is that she needs to be honest. With her husband, with the other man (does he know she is married?) and with herself. Sometimes the comfort of marriage often feels like a loss of love. It doesn't have that same butterfly feeling excitement as the beginning of a relationship does. You don't wonder what they're thinking all the time, you begin taking for granted the things that have become second nature. That comfort is love though, it's mature love.

The woman needs to decide how she intends to spend her life
-Does she still love her husband, if so, marriage/family counselling can still help. If she's going to stay with her husband, she needs to tell him what's going on and distance herself from the other man. Often times the existence of the fantasy person fogs our perception of the good parts of reality
-Does she see a future with the other man? If so, she needs to tell her husband and discuss separation. Even if she doesn't see herself with this man forever, if she doesn't love her husband/doesn't think she can love her husband she can't continue lying to him.

To go a little off topic, does what the husband do for the wife (visiting family, shopping etc) make the wife feel loved? If it were any other person, would the wife feel loved by these actions? Here's why I ask, I read a book called the 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman) and I know I've mentioned this book in a few posts on here but I truly found it so accurate I can't help but share it. The basic premise is that there are 5 styles to love. Each of us have a "primary" language (some people have multiple or split languages) -this is the language that we feel most loved by and the language we normally express love in. From what you have posted, it seems like the husband is "Acts of Service". He loves the wife so he does things around the house etc that he know will make her happy because that's how he shows love. On the other hand, if the wife did acts of service (washing the car, picking up dinner on the way home etc), he would probably feel very loved. But then things get tricky. Most couples don't speak the same language. So if, the wife is "Words of Affirmation", no matter how many "Acts of Service" the husband or any other man does, she's not going to feel fully loved.

In the beginning love stage of my relationship, words of affirmation just happened. I did all of those cutesy things and my bf felt fully loved because I was speaking his love language (even though I had no idea). But my language is "Quality Time", so as we started to move towards the mature love, I lost touch with my ability to speak words of affirmation. Thus he began to feel less loved; we started becoming distant. When I took the quiz, I knew it was right with my quality time language -it clicked. So I started to guess at what my bf's language would be. NEVER would have guessed it was words of affirmation and I realized how little I speak that. So I've been focusing on trying to step that up and it's been bringing us closer together.

If you found any of that interesting, here's the link to take the quiz. He mentions in the book, that people act differently when their "love tank" is empty. Could the wife's seeking a relationship with the other man be because she doesn't feel loved by her husband?
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Yes, it matters, because each of the trio would be posting the question for different reasons.

From personal experience - and I realize everyone's experience is different, and everyone's expectations from life and relationships are different - once trust has been broken, it stays broken. And sometimes it's better for all parties if it stays that way, and everyone moves on.

I wasn't recommending a marriage counselor to try to save the marriage, but so that both parties can be honest with each other with a mediator who can make sure it is a proactive discussion and both parties can feel supported. Seeking the advice or help of a professional at such a difficult time is warranted whether or not the intention of either party is to try to continue the relationship in a healthy way, but could be helpful in formulating a plan if they decide to end it as well. Approaching things from the angle of an amicable outcome.

Of course, no matter what, there will be broken hearts. I do not envy these people, and absolutely wish them the best and hope they find peace with their decisions.

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Also, I think the poster is asking from a logical standpoint rather than an emotional one, unless I'm wrong (quite possible). And if that's the case, it doesn't matter which party is asking, or whether they are even involved in the relationship. None of us has the answer that will solve this situation, though everyone would like to help. In the end, all we have is opinions, because we have varied experiences, and none of us are in their shoes. I'm interested in other people's experiences, though, because I'm not awesome at relationships, and I know there are some people who can make anything work with enough determination. I guess I'm one of the people who asks "Why?" We only have one life, and it isn't easy, so I have respect for people who stick things out, but also for people who recognize futility and are grown up and decisive about it. Again, from personal experience, I have stayed in things for far longer than I should have, and it ate parts of my life and my heart that I will never get back. But I guess that's why I'm on the therapist's couch and not in her chair :P