[silver_moon]

Hi, not wrote on here in a long time. I'm at a bit of a loss and it is safe to say I'm beyond confused (and hurt).

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years now and I really do love him. We have so much in common, have the same values etc. My problem is (or rather HIS problem) is that he can't say I love you to me.

This has been more and more of an issue to me as the relationship has developed. I know that there are reasons why he can't say it (things in his past, him not wanting to get hurt etc). I even know of a past relationship of his that wasn't great to say the least that may be a reason why he can't open up (he doesn't know I know of this relationship).

We've (or I have brought it up) talked about this many times... I always end up hurt and in tears. Every time I look at him and get that warm feeling and think "I love this guy" it soon turns to hurt, because I'm not 'allowed' to tell him and that I know I'll never hear it back. I shouldn't be in that situation. Noone in a relationship should ever feel hurt BECAUSE they love the other.

It has even got to a point where I've been so upset that we came up with a 'code word' for it... cheesecake. At times he will say cheesecake, mainly if I say it to him. But it's not the same... it doesn't mean anything to me. I love him, not cheesecake! And with him saying cheesecake to me, it doesn't feel like he means I love you.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit emotional at the moment. I'm sat in bed typing this with him layed asleep next to me. Before I started writing this post I asked him about 'this situation' again. He didn't say anything. I didn't get a response. I'm hurting. I love him so much and I really don't wanna loose him, but sometimes I think. "Why am I putting myself through this pain?"

Please, any advice or opinions are more than welcome. I'm just 'stuck' at what to do anymore.

edit: I forgot to add... I suffer with depression and anxiety and I believe that this is an issue with him. He says it's hard to have a 'normal' relationship when I'm like 'this'. But just thinking of that makes me feel like I'm being strung along a little bit

[IceCreamKid]

Why are you putting yourself through such pain? You wrote you were afraid of losing him. I see that over and over; women (and some men, too) who are entangled in unhappy, unfulfilling relationships who worry about losing their uninvolved partner. You deserve better.

[silver_moon]

I think I'm kinda hoping that one day it will be different.

[IceCreamKid]

You can make the difference. Take control of your life, your needs and desires. Of course all of what I say is easier said than done and you should use your best judgment. But I have to say that I have seen men (although some women do this too) use that "I'm wounded from the past" thing to control their present relationship so that they get their needs and wants fulfilled while their girlfriends dance to their tune; and there seems to be a connection between the girlfriends' fear of "losing" their men and the men getting what they want while the girlfriends suffer.

[eskielover]

One day it will not be different if he continues on without getting some kind of help (like therapy) to get in touch with his emotions & lean to understand his past & put it where it belongs in order to have a real relationship with you.....or anyone as far as that goes. It's obvious that he doesn't KNOW HOW TO HAVE a "normal" relationship but he thinks he can.....he may not know how from his past. Without new input & understanding what he needs to change to have a real "normal" relationship.....he will never get there & you won't get there with him.

Do his actions say "I love you" but he just can't get out the words? or do his actions fit his words where he really doesn't love you in either actions or words?

Sometimes we need to analyze the relationship we are in. You need to know just how much you really need to hear the words if his actions really say is all......then hopefully some therapy or counselling can help him with what is "blocking" him from being able to say it.

If he really cares for you, I would think that he would want to get the help so that he could really have a wonderful relationship with you. But then from what I have observed, many times (not all) there is a lack of true commitment existing when ONLY living together in the first place.

If in fact, your relationship is only a one sided one where you are putting everything into the relationship, then you need to get out & maybe in Therapy, work on what you need to do to get involved in a relationship that can provide you the "love" that you really need....not just the WORD, but the real emotion of LOVE.