[Ktz42]

Hi all,
My partner with un-diagnosed AS has a sister living just around the corner, sometimes I think great, other times Im not so sure what to think. I believe she is also in the spectrum, however not diagnosed either.
Approx a mth or so ago my partner & I had a disagreement (as cpls do) and took off on me, as he often does. For part of the time he stayed with his sister(which I was happy he was seeking an alternate perspective as in the past he would not) and I suppose he said part of the time just wandering around as he often does, he was gone most of the weekend, basically staying with her. In the past he would be gone at times for days b4 returning, usually ended upo at his senior parents an hour away, but as his sister recently moved in our neighborhood, looks like he has a new place to run to. He has managed to get some control over those urges to run off and has only done so once whereas he didnt return home..recently he stayed at his sisters past midnight, came home & again left the next morning, so improving I would say compared to the past where hed be gone no communication for days at a time.
When I asked for advice from his sister, she seemed to feel he needed to make some friends( as he has none) and maybe he just needed to get away every now & again , do guy things and maybe lower his levels of frustrations I see her point to a small extent..however was still surprised when she called over & advised my partner that a cpl guys moved in next door to her and maybe he should meet them as they may have some common interests, this could help get him out of the house more...etc etc...no I didnt feel right about this then or now..
The two guys that moved in next to her are in their late 20's early 30's, both like making videos apparently, work out and like to Rap...who knows what else really. The sister went on & on about how cool they are & how she wished my partner would just pop over one day to meet them...so tonight again she called and invited him..alone of coarse...to go meet these guys next door. Id like to make a note that this is the third time this summer the sister has excluded me from an invite, which I think is just plain rude. Its a bit tiring for me and irritating as his partner to be regularly left out. I was frustrated tonight again when she insisted he go there..and more frustrated I suppose when he simply just went without question seemingly thinking this was ok..in the past he wouldn't go anywhere social, however he has been trying to be more social and finding it easier, so off he went..without one weird thought..although I felt left with many. He said he only stayed there for a few minutes , said hi and went back to his sisters..they all live in a five minute walk from our own house..
He told me they were young, interesting guys and may he will pop by again one day and say Hi.. oh and I of coarse could come too..needless to say I didn't find this appealing, nor normal in any way.
I honestly find this all child like and plain weird of his sister to do.. nothing else. He thinks Im unreasonable and that there's nothing wrong with this..so I expressed how I felt & naturally he just went to bed early, covered up his head as he usually does when he doesn't like something I say..and didnt want to talk anymore as I was feeling weird about it all.
I dont feel this was normal or natural of his sister to do, feel its forced and I almost feel embarrassed for him & for her..I just cant seem to feel one positive thing about this whole situation.. he assures me he doesn't feel she is doing anything wrong, and that next time he will bring me...I just feel weirded out!
I feel his sister is interfering, even if in her head she is doing good..I still dont think this is right.
His sister has now been the root cause of a cpl disagreements we've had recently, and I feel there will be more as shes only lived close for less then a year. I know SHE may feel she is doing good somehow..but come on..hes a 42yr old man..not a guy that needs a cpl 30yr olds to hang with..at best he needs a 45yr old to play golf with..not these dudes who are still living life high and wild ..single and unattached..what is she thinking??.
I dont see how she feels this is a good thing to do, nor do I feel its the time in my partners life for his 55yr old sister to be searching for play dates for her little brother so he can bond with some males in the neighborhood. IMO he is a full grown man and we just happened to have our five children here tonight and we are all on holidays, not a time for him to be rapping with some 20yr olds..I dont get it?? I feel very irritated. Whats wrong with her finding a nice cpl we can both do couple things with..Im guessing its because she has two failed relationships and hasnt been a part of a cpl for years. What does anyone else think of this?? What should I do without causing a huge family scandle..I do like her...but man she has some serious issues....and now they are crossing into my world with her brother..

[MikoNoShikon]

I am not sure why you haven't brought this to her attention. If you feel very strongly about the sister finding 'play dates' for your husband then go talk to her. The comment made me concerned. You said your husband/partner has AS but it is undiagnosed. You should take him to get him checked out, it would make both your lives a lot easier. On top of that, you need to learn that sometimes people want a break from 'couple' things. You originally said 30yr olds and then 20 year olds at the end, I am not sure the age of these new neighbors, but guys tend to bond over odd things no matter the age. You need to take some time for yourself. If you husband is happy going out once or twice to hang out with his sister then you should chill out. He isn't cheating on you, and your yelling is not helping. She was his sister before you were his wife and there are some things you will never fully understand. You are being a bit unreasonable. You want to do couple things, find a nice couple yourself.

[Ktz42]

Originally Posted by MikoNoShikon

I am not sure why you haven't brought this to her attention. If you feel very strongly about the sister finding 'play dates' for your husband then go talk to her. The comment made me concerned. You said your husband/partner has AS but it is undiagnosed. You should take him to get him checked out, it would make both your lives a lot easier. On top of that, you need to learn that sometimes people want a break from 'couple' things. You originally said 30yr olds and then 20 year olds at the end, I am not sure the age of these new neighbors, but guys tend to bond over odd things no matter the age. You need to take some time for yourself. If you husband is happy going out once or twice to hang out with his sister then you should chill out. He isn't cheating on you, and your yelling is not helping. She was his sister before you were his wife and there are some things you will never fully understand. You are being a bit unreasonable. You want to do couple things, find a nice couple yourself.

Thanks...I find the situation as no less then her meddling and him being too passive to say anything about the situation. She is very controlling, and when she says jump he does. He gets upset when she insists he does things and then will not confront her as he is scared of what she will say & what she will do, this is the pattern of their relationship..so now we have this incident whereas he feels its fine about her suggesting this. They are not that close and he can only spend so much time with her before he loses his tolerance..as most of her family also complains about her as well.. I dont feel it natural and that is what bugs me..if those guys just happened to be outside or at her house I could see it as normal..however she got their phone number,,called her brother over, and then called them to ask if he could drop by...Im sorry but that whole thing to me is weird..which is why Ive referred to it as a playdate..
We do have couple friends and its irritating that she feels the need to do anything that would have him pulling away from me instead if bonding more with our family. I dont care if he has friends..he chooses not too.. I find it plainly weird that she is insisting on this, he is a grown man and if this is what he wanted..then he would have it..how many 50 odd yr old sisters find friends so their 42 yr old brother can hang with...she should be encouraging his life with his family, and if he needs a male friend, then he has plenty of opportunity to find one himself as he works in a very social setting that allows him to meet ppl of many shapes and sizes every day..Ive encouraged him to get in touch with his other male friends, he goes out after work at times and has drinks without me, and its not like I do not want him to have any..
The two guys are renting a townhouse in our complex, and are in their 20's- or 30's he said. Now I know Ill get screamed at for this but we all know what 30 something unattached males look for..and no this isnt all, howsoever in general they party, get laid and then spent the rest of their time wishing they were getting laid..IMO..I know this is generalizing, however Ive been there did that and now this is grown up time, not time to revert back to the good old single days..
I do not wish to approach her, as she is also a black and white thinker, and then this private issue would then include his whole family as it gets tossed about possibly changing as it goes and leaving me as the bad spouse etc etc etc...
I wanted to rant as this is not normal to me..and bugs the hell out of me.

[Omers]

Families with AS in them are different in many ways. Unfortunately IMO these quirks come part and parcel with the person you are with. He does need a life of his own and if he is AS he will need help with that. With his AS it is easier for others to triangulate which is what the sister seems to be doing. IMO the intensity of your reaction is going to make things more difficult. You can't change them you can only change you and your reaction/response.

[Ktz42]

Originally Posted by Omers

Families with AS in them are different in many ways. Unfortunately IMO these quirks come part and parcel with the person you are with. He does need a life of his own and if he is AS he will need help with that. With his AS it is easier for others to triangulate which is what the sister seems to be doing. IMO the intensity of your reaction is going to make things more difficult. You can't change them you can only change you and your reaction/response.

yes I do realize that, but I dont have to like it.. obviously I feel threatened..she has many times been inviting him to other functions recently w/o me as well..and I feel I am also part & parcel as Im in a relationship with him and we are raising 5 children together, three which are his and all with behavior issues. Its not her place either to interfere in our relationship when its more functional then any other relationship she has ever had... She is oblivious to her own symptoms and refuses to also acknowledge her * her kids obvious AS traits..so I feel no matter what its unapproachable. My spouse is very influenced by others, and I just simply dont see the need to fix him up with neighbors to hang with...I know his social issues, but she is also in denial of his issues, and thinks he will run there instead of shutting down.. however I know this wont work as when he shuts down he wants to be alone..she doesn't recognize his symptoms even though they are clear as rain, and its frustrating for me to be dealing with her.
I know its his decision, but I feel like she is creating a wedge between us, and I cant bring it up as no matter I will be the one coming of as controlling and no understanding will be offered for my feelings..as they seldom are.

[Omers]

For better or worse that is part of being in relationship with someone with AS. We don't have theory of mind and cannot understand, especially not on feeling level, another persons emotions. Some cane learn what a common emotional reaction might be but it is often memorization of a lot of situations as we don't tend to generalize either.

[Ktz42]

Originally Posted by Omers

For better or worse that is part of being in relationship with someone with AS. We don't have theory of mind and cannot understand, especially not on feeling level, another persons emotions. Some cane learn what a common emotional reaction might be but it is often memorization of a lot of situations as we don't tend to generalize either.

Thanks so much, there's so much I still am learning about AS, its been less then a year new to me and I am struggling to find the tolerance I need at times..although I may have some of the knowledge that Ive read form the net, the sinking in takes experience and patience, of which I am not always equipped with , especially when my emotions and feelings over rule my logic an understanding.
Hearing you describe what Ive read about Theory of Mind seems to make more sense, as you simplified it without all the mumbo jumbo in the net making it more difficult to imagine and understand in real life terms..
I am not without issues, I have anxiety issues, fears of abandonment
which of coarse has been perpetuated by his many times of leaving me and running away for days or weeks when he has a meltdown..
As well as a past of horror from my childhood that still lingers its effects on me at times warping my true sense of what i can do, and what I can survive.. I attempt to understand as best I can, I am the one who has suggested its AS as it was a gift of an answer to me one day when I was at my wits end with his shutdowns and having no explanation for how a man can possibly behave this way, and I was ready to give up....then on another site someone mentioned AS and its been a rush of finding info since to find out as much as I can...however reading about symptoms and experiencing them are different. I hope one day he gets tested, no one in his family or his kids have been, but the traits of AS are evident and obvious to me now and its crazy to me to wonder ow no one diagnosed him or them b4..he was diagnosed with anxirty, depression, bipolar, torrets..and who knows what else..just not AS..but now that I have the info.. there's no going back.its the only thing that makes sense..it was a big wow when I began toi read about AS, ans he is AS..100%...is however still does not make it always easy for me to understand, or get past...Im doing all I can to try and suggest others such as his kids get tested, however the tests are about 2000.00, not affordable and the mother of his children are 100% in denial..yet the signs are clear..thanks again