[TonySG]

Hi, I have a few issues im trying to deal with. One of them is that I am too honest with people I know and with strangers. I seem to have trouble holding infomation back from people. For example, I was having trouble with my ex-partner about seeing my son, so I went and told all my workmates about my situation and now they gossip about it. What happens in my private life with my ex and my son is my business, so why do I feel I need to broadcast whats going on? Or, if I am angry at someone I'll tell everyone around me and then the other person finds out through them and it makes me look stupid.

I know that it is good to share things with some people but not everyone. At the same time if I am angry or annoyed I will also let my feelings be known. I realise that being honest is good to a certain degree but in order to protect myself I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

I have noted that my mum does the same thing.

Im assuming its something to do with weak internal boundries but that is as far as I have gotten with regards on getting a handle on the problem. Why am I so keen to share myself with others?? Am I looking for acceptance on some level?

Any advice would be very helpful.

[Caretaker Leo]

I can relate to your issues. It has taken a long time, but now I rarely share details of my personal life with people other than extremely close friends and family.

Maybe it isn't acceptance you are looking for from someone/anyone during times you are in pain, angry, stressed, etc. Perhaps you are trying to find someone who will listen, empathize and offer advice within your community circle.

PC is a good place for finding those things! And you don't have to worry about a backlash of gossip.

Just one idea now - try making changes at your workplace. Bite your tongue and silently tell yourself that you won't share intimate details of your personal life. Also, disengage from those who gossip about others. It is so easy to just get sucked right in. But that can easily lead you to start saying stuff you don't want shared.

Expressing your anger needs to be managed in a similar fashion. Remind yourself that it is damaging to your image at work and within the family. If you fell really angry towards a situation or co-worker - try sleeping on the situation before you respond. Our perspectives can really change after some hours of cooling down and resting.

[IceCreamKid]

Part of your answer is in your post. Your mother taught you this was the way to handle frustrations in life. But you have realized that it is not only not effective, it makes others talk about you. Instead of this passive aggressive dance you have been engaged in, try finding appropriate places to unload your emotional baggage. If you are angry with your girlfriend, tell her and why. If she can't or won't listen, tell a counselor, your doctor, your pastor, rabbi, or other religious leader, or one close friend who can be relied to listen and not reveal what you have said. If you are angry with someone at work, think about why and think about it and think about it and think again before you go to the person and privately express your distress -- and prepare yourself for the person to still react poorly. Starting a journal you can keep private in a drawer at home is also a good idea.

[Perna]

I think you mostly learned it from your Mom and are just copying that. Too, I was thinking that it might have to do with not being comfortable being angry/upset? You might want "confirmation" from others that it is all right to feel what you feel, that it makes "sense". Sometimes with big emotions it can be hard to hold them in ourselves, they can feel kind of scary and make us anxious?

I would figure out something meaningful to you to remind you and help you learn other ways of dealing with what is going on in your life? Maybe find a little "box", you can keep on your desk at work (pencil box?) and/or home to remind you to "put" personal experiences/situations you are working with in it instead of broadcasting them? Maybe when you could carry a little notebook and when you get the urge to talk, write it down in the notebook instead?

[TonySG]

Thanks for the responses. Very helpful. I'll try some of these methods out!