[Blades]

Mandy and I had sex last night and while I don’t want to share too many intimate details I do have concerns and would appreciate some advice. As some of you already know apart from a one night stand (I don’t even remember because I was drunk) this was the first real time I have done ‘it’ with a woman and she is also the first woman I have had a real relationship with since my girlfriend/best friend passed away so I was very nervous. We were originally going to wait longer but we were in bed talking and I said some things to her and she just started kissing me and she took her top off.

I moved back and said “I thought you wanted us to wait longer” and she said she did but she had changed her mind and she wanted to make love to me. Mandy was very gentle with me and she knew I was nervous. To be honest, it was a little awkward at first but it got better as we kept going and I think I lasted for around twenty minutes. She tried to go down on me when I took off my pants but I told her I was uncomfortable with the idea of her doing it and she said that was okay because she wasn’t really into doing that either but she thought I would like it. I went down on her instead.

She spent most of the time on top of me but we tried out some other positions too and when we were finished she said I was incredible at going down on her but the actual sex was only good. She said I was too big and I hurt her when we were in some positions. I didn’t mean to hurt her and I don’t want to do it again. Is there anything I can do to fix this problem for her? It’s strange because I didn’t know I was that big. I’m usually a smaller when I’m soft but when I’m erect I’m around eight and a half inches and I thought that was a regular size for most blokes.

Mandy said it would get better the more times we did ‘it’ though and I was the first bloke she did ‘it’ with that she loved before she cuddled me. She was very curious why I was so good at going down on her and I just told her I went down on Jessica a few times before she passed away. I didn’t tell her that Rachel taught me some things and I remembered them and I’m not sure if I should. Mandy is so beautiful and seeing her naked just blew me away. She has a body like a supermodel and I feel like it was a beauty and the beast moment in a way because I'm a bit skinny and pale.

I used to go to the gym with Rachel every day before she passed away and did a lot of cardio but I stopped because I was really depressed and didn’t think there was a point. I stopped eating for a few months too and became very close to becoming anorexic. I only weighed sixty kilos back in February but I now weight eighty. I am running every morning with Mandy now and I'm eating more. I am worried in a way that I am not attractive enough for her but she has never said I am not and she says that I am cute so I probably shouldn’t let it bother me. The way she looks at me with her blue eyes says it all.

One thing she doesn’t know is I started crying when she left the room and I tried to cover it up when she came back. I thought about Jessica and I felt guilty for doing ‘it’ with Mandy. I know I shouldn’t but I did and now I am worried Jessica might hate me. When she passed away a lot of people didn’t understand why I couldn’t move on and part of the reason was the guilt factor. I couldn’t bring myself to ask another woman out because I was worried I would hurt her. I love Mandy and she is an amazing woman but part of me is always going to love Jessica. It’s difficult because I gave my heart to her when I was five and for eleven years she was my world.

[KathyM]

((Blades))

The love you share with Mandy is an honor and tribute to Jessica. I don't believe she would want to see you spend the rest of your life in mourning. It sounds like Mandy cares deeply about you and treats you well. I'm sure Jessica would approve.

[Leed]

As far as the "pain" that Mandy experienced, tell her to use some lubrication beforehand -- this will help alot.

Also, please don't feel that you are being unfaithful or hurting Jessica. She would WANT you to be happy and to move on with your life. She wouldn't expect you to remain single forever. She cared for you, and she would want the very best for you. Of course she will live on in your heart -- but the heart has LOTS of room for love -- so don't hold it back.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Sunna]

Thank you for sharing such tenderness and sensitivity. You have no idea what a healing experience you have given me.

I agree with others. Jessica would not be mad at you.

Imagine, it was you that died, not Jessica. Imagine yourself looking at her tear-streaked face and imagine what you are wishing most for. Would you want Jessica to spend her days in guilt, pain and misery for the rest of her life? Never! You would have to hate her to wish such upon her. You would want your beloved to be able to find peace and joy again, to live again, to stop suffering. Trust then. Trust Jessica's love for you, trust that she wants you to be happy. Trust that, that was her heart's dying wish. Trust that is she could have, she would have guided Mandy to you, when you were ready, so that you may live again. Wouldn't you have done that for her?

You loved Jessica well, now learn to love Mandy well. It is not a betrayal. Your heart is large enough to love BOTH.

And it's ok to cry, for your lost beloved, when the tears well up, let them flow and let them pass and then bring yourself back into the present, back into being with Mandy.

And as to the physical pain Mandy experienced; it's quite common when woman did not have sex in a long time. Lubricant is a friend, and eventually her muscles will learn to relax and accomodate you. Meanwhile make sure you continue to communicate openly, make sure she knows you want to know if what you are doing gives her pleasure or discomfort, that your feelings will not be hurt, that she can trust you, and you can trust her.

Hugs and best wishes to you.

[Blades]

Thanks guys. That’s probably some of the best advice I have been given in a long time. I know Mandy cares about me and I care about her too. I’ve never been this is ‘in love’ with somebody since Jessica passed away and I want to love her with all my heart and soul. She has changed my life around and she has given me a reason to smile. She believes in me, she gives me strength, confidence and I have the ability to write again. I know the love she has given me is rare and I am never going to take her heart for granted. I am going to cherish every moment I spend with her from now on and I want to make her feel the same way she makes me feel when we are together.

I gave Mandy a poem yesterday when we were at the park and she told me I was really sweet and I was the kind of guy she always dreamed of finding. I just blushed and she kissed me and I should have said I felt the same way or something similar to that. I feel like every day I spend with her is a dream and I can't believe I finally have somebody who makes me feel the same way Jessica did. I think Jessica would approve too. Mandy is kind, intelligent, beautiful, altruistic, funny and she has a heart the size of an ocean. Those were the qualities that attracted me to Jessica too and I know she would want me to be happy. I’m always going to love her because she was the first girl I gave my heart to but I have enough room inside for Mandy too.

I need to start looking to the future more instead of living in the past. Mandy said Jessica and Rachel must have been amazing girls to make me the way I am now and she is right. I learned a lot of things from both of them and they made me the man I am today. I am ashamed of the things I did when Jessica passed away but I was listening to Amy Grant album today and it had a song with the lyric “I can be pure again in spite of my innocence lost.” Amy Grant was one of Jessica’s favourite singers and she used to always sing ‘Baby, Baby’ to me when we were young. I can understand that lyric.

Mandy and I did ‘it’ again last night and she said I was even better than I was the first time but it still hurt a bit so I am going to discuss lubrication with her. I was still nervous going in the second time but Mandy said it was alright and my nerves would fade the more times we did it. She was more vocal about her discomfort this time and we stopped and talked about it for a while before we continued. Mandy’s comfort and pleasure is most important to me so I am taking this very seriously.

[rubyindie]

great blades! you have some great communication going there. there is nothing more rejuvenating to a relationship than a comfortable two way communication. god bless and enjoy the moments....both of you deserve it.:-)