I am such a hypocrit

I hate myself right now. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. He has turned a new leaf over the last 2 months and is actually trying. So what do I do? We get into a tiny fight and I explode and, in the mean time, slam the door so hard I actually make a hole in the wall from the door knob.

I have no words. I feel so ashamed. How can I ever say anything about him blowing up over nothing? I actually left physical marks on the house. I have never done this before and have no idea what snapped in me the other day. I don't really know how to handle this. I really just hate myself right now and don't even want to look him in the eye. And he hasn't even said a word about it. He even tried to make me feel better by saying he has done it before - which is not true.

I have never been this disappointed and disgusted with myself.

And hating yourself makes things better, how?

Apologize to him? Tell HIM you don't know what happened, you have no idea what snapped in you. . . see if he'll help you try and figure it out? Maybe he said or did something to remind you of your lovely lab partner; the whole fight-with-boss-go-home-kick-dog thing is not a "joke", that actually happens. See if you can see what happened in your case. Yes your reaction was out of your ordinary (and both of you do/should know that!) but look on the bright side; you damaged property, not another person.

And why would you be looking at the "next" time and "How can I ever say anything about him blowing up over nothing?" as if that's your "normal" job? Realize that you now have grounds for compassion

I think you deserve a little leniency here. Give yourself at least one more chance
Seriously I think you're being too hard on yourself.

Has it become harder on you since he turned a new leaf?

It is quite common to hate one's self and to feel like a hypocrite. It only seems otherwise because you see inside yourself but you can only see the outside shell of everyone else. It takes constant effort to maintain the appearances you see on the outside of other people - who they are and what they are like. None of us was even responsible for creating the person we think we are. Keep in mind that we are all just doing the best we can with the material we have to work with, and this means you, too.

We did talk and I do just feel like I have been the brunt of a lot of stuff lately from several people. I guess we need to go get some putty :-/

I just hope he knows that I would never go after HIM.

I talked to the kid in my lab and he says there is a 75% chance of him staying. So I don't really know what I'm going to do. And then he lashed out at me telling me that my experiments are worthless. I told him I had to not be around him for a while and a few days later he apologized and admitted he was projecting on to me for being annoyed and stressed. Even though he apologized I still feel hurt from his words and it still annoyed me.

I know that I just need to focus on myself and stop letting others control my emotions and bring me down but that's a lot easier said than done.