[Miracle1986]

oh my... where to begin????

My Husband and I have been married 4 years and he is currently deployed to Afghanistan with the U.S. Army. About 2 years into our marriage, in 2008, my husband was fired from his civilian job, we were forced to move out of our apartment and into his parent's house. He worked construction with his father for a few months until they stopped getting jobs so they didn't need him anymore. At this point, we were living off his parents (for food and shelter) and my Social security check that came once a month. At this point, we had been living with his parents for about 6 months and our welcome was running out and our marriage was starting to suffer, because we were living 6 people in a 3 bedroom house so privacy was almost non-existent (we had already kicked my broth-in-law out of his room so we could have an actual bedroom to sleep in. We had been sleeping on their sofa up until then... well actually, I was sleeping on the sofa and my husband was sleeping on the floor because the sofa didn't pull out to make a bed).

I have no clue how we did it, but we managed to survive another 6 months there (so we had been there a year) until my parents bought a house and said we could rent it from them, so that is where we are living presently. While we were living with the in-laws, and after he was let go at construction, my husband basically became very lazy and quit looking for jobs. He would tell me all the time "I'm doing the best I can" but there would be 5-6 applications not filled out, just sitting on the counter. Every time I confronted him about it, my husband would just get very defensive and angry and it'd turn into a yelling match. Around this time, I started falling out of love with him.

Oh... I forgot to mention that pretty much right after we were married, he was deployed for the first time (we were married in May and he left in September of 2007). While he was gone, I was raped. So, when he came home, sex was extremely difficult for me because it caused me to have panic attacks and flashbacks... and it hurt (still hurts and I have no idea why). Our sex life pretty much ended at that point, but there have been a few instances when my husband has raped me. Because of that, I have lost all trust in him. Then he became, in my opinion, mentally abusive by placing guilt trips on me for not being able to give him sex. (it has taken me a while to realize that that is a form of abuse... I still deny it at times)

Well... about 2 months ago, I met a man online and we hit it off right away. Long story short, he is hopefully coming to visit me at the end of this month and we will then become an official couple. We haven't made it official yet, because he says, "I don't ask women out online or over the phone. The gentleman-like way to ask them out is face-to-face (sweet huh? )

My husband was recently home on R&R and about half our time was fun. We had a blast just hanging out and stuff, but the other half we spent fighting about everything. (He knows about the other guy, etc). One minute my husband is begging me to try and work things out and the next he is listing off things that he is going to take with him when we get divorced.

I am so confused by all this. The stress is making me physically ill. I can't eat, I can't sleep, etc.

But apparently, my husband has gotten it in his head that it is over, because I found out the day he left that he left me with a negative bank balance, opened up a separate account, and will be giving me an "allowance" of $600 a month. He has agreed to pay the electricity, phone, and water bills, so $600 may seem reasonable to some people, but the state recently stopped paying my Medicare premium of $461 a month so now I have to pay that or lose my insurance. I don't know what I am going to do, because the last bill I got said if the payment is not received within so many days of the bill date, they cancel the insurance, and I sure as hell can't be without insurance due to all my health issues.

I have no income except the "allowance" that he is going to give me because I don't get Social Security anymore due to the fact that I am married to a deployed soldier who is making a lot of money and the state considers his income my income. Sorry, I realize talk about financial issues should go in a different forum so I will stop now. I just wanted post about ALL my issues with my husband.

Sorry this ended up so long. Thank you if you actually took the time to read it all.

[50guy]

You guys should have bought a camper and stayed at a campground and worked on your marriage. To be brutally honest....you don't know this guy from online, it was your husband that stuck with you. Does he know you were raped while he was gone? have you went to a crisis center for help? You don't know this other online guy that is coming to see you face to face.....I've seen those meetings and they don't always go well. I think you and your husband should go to counseling, if he's stil in the military they have some very good programs for partners of deployed loved ones.
You are lucky heis giving you a dime. I'd let Mr. face to face romantic take care of you and go about my business.

[Miracle1986]

yes, my husband knows I was raped. He told me to get over it...

You are right, I don't know this other guy, but I am taking it very slow and asking the important questions to get to know him... yes I know, he could very well just be saying want he thinks I want to hear. I know that. I am not stupid. When I meet him, we will meet in a public place and I will take someone with me.

[lynn P.]

I'm wondering why you would jump into a new relationship when you're not done with your husband? How can you have sex with the new guy if you had trouble with sex with your husband. I also remember you had an online relationship with a woman while married. Where's the integrity here?

Hello, Miracle1986. May you find a way to sort this out in a manner that benefits the best interests of all.

[Miracle1986]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I'm wondering why you would jump into a new relationship when you're not done with your husband? How can you have sex with the new guy if you had trouble with sex with your husband. I also remember you had an online relationship with a woman while married. Where's the integrity here?

I am not planning on having sex with this new man unless and until I get a divorce.

And as far as my past relationship with that woman, my husband knew and was fully supportive of my bisexuality.

[50guy]

Originally Posted by Miracle1986

yes, my husband knows I was raped. He told me to get over it...

You are right, I don't know this other guy, but I am taking it very slow and asking the important questions to get to know him... yes I know, he could very well just be saying want he thinks I want to hear. I know that. I am not stupid. When I meet him, we will meet in a public place and I will take someone with me.

He told you to get over it...... what kind of man is he? Does he not know how rape destroys a womans esteem and sense of security? He must be an idiot. Personally, I would have tracked that guy down and we would have had an "encounter" that I assure you would not have been pleasent for him. All I can tell you is to be so very careful.......have a couple people with you. I would have some there that just watch from a distance to see what happens. any bad vibes from this man and you should split in a nano-second. Please be careful........now you have me worried.

[Miracle1986]

Originally Posted by 50guy

All I can tell you is to be so very careful.......have a couple people with you. I would have some there that just watch from a distance to see what happens. any bad vibes from this man and you should split in a nano-second. Please be careful........now you have me worried.

I plan to. Thank you for your concern.

[greywolfe81]

File for legal separation, it would provide proof of your living situation and lack of income.

[madisgram]

right now the gov. should be sending you a living allotment while he's deployed.
seems this marriage is over. too much water under the bridge.
you need a plan to get on with your life.
i don't understand where in the past your medicare bill was 461. the usual cost is about 95.
starting another relationship before the last is over seems backward to me.